The Life Of Ann Dubber. From Birth To aged 18.

The Life Of Ann Dubber. From Birth To aged 18. I thought it would be nice to write about my young life as Ann Dubber, which is from birth to aged 18,when I married .You never know, one day the story may mean something to another Dubber Family member or ancestor. I was born on October 2nd 1958,At St Marys Hospital Portsmouth ward D2,we lived in Ramsdale Avenue Leigh Park.to Henry James Dubber and Joy Dorothy Dubber. I was 7.5 pounds at birth and at 6months I was only 8lb,which I found out from my birth records in my files from Social Services. At 3weeks old I was put into foster care, along with my older sister Jeannette or Jenny as she is known. My mother had been sick apparently, and needed to be hospitalised for a while. When she came out of hospital, she took us home, although she had to be forced to take me, as I was rejected at birth. All of these details I found out by getting my files from Social Services, who have been great in helping me relive my young life by giving me these files. Although they are harrowing, they explain so much about how and why I am the way I am as an adult. My life was from birth to 16 very, very traumatic. I was an unwanted child, and was shoved into care homes. The first time I was “put away” as they called it then was 2days before Christmas in 1963.I was 5 years old. Another time was on my 6th birthday, a rather strange birthday present I suppose, to be greeted on your 6th birthday not by presents, but by the social worker taking me away to a home. But in a way I was glad, I knew I would be cared for, cuddled and loved, sadly something I never knew as a child living at home. I adored my time in care, it surely was the only happy time of my childhood. I was sent to a home called THE MEAD in Hook Odiham, Hampshire. The home is still in existence at this time. I was in this home on and off from December 1963 till April 1965,when the home was relocated to Five Trees Inwood Road Liss Hampshire, where I stayed till I was 10 and a half.(This home closed in 1987,and is now a housing association property). I have my records from the doctors who treated me on entering homes, and sadly I was unfed and very thin, and withdrawn, among many things. The Social Worker tackled my Mother many times over not feeding me, and my Mothers reaction was “she’s not worth feeding”(taken directly from my Social Service files),and on one occasion the social worker witnessed the tea time ritual of Mother feeding my siblings and me getting left-overs . I remember a few times as a child coming down the stairs and searching for food, and finding some on unwashed plates that my parents had probably had the day before, and eating the things left on them. I still can see these events as though they were yesterday. My sister to this day wont talk to me, as she doesn’t believe it, I couldn’t argue with her over it, she didn’t want to hear it, her version of childhood was much better than mine as she was a wanted child, and of course she wouldn’t remember this, I knew it, but it wasn’t till I read my files that it came totally back to me. My sister challenged me in 2001 about this and called me a liar again, we were having a chat on her sofa, and I mentioned the food thing, and she said nothing at the time, but at a later date she phoned me and said I was lying, and that she didn’t want a relationship with me anymore, which broke my heart at the time, but these days im over it, sad as it is. I can’t make her be in my life, she has her childhood to deal with in her own way I guess. But my memories of this time in my young life are so harrowing; I still at aged 46 have nightmares about this and food. And to be honest though not having Jon and Jenny in my life was hard,it is actually easier now,and i now know its for the best. At least my Brothers who i sadly didnt grow up with are in my life and a tremendous support to me.I adore them both. Bless you brothers Harry and John the elder. Mother couldn’t stand having me around for too long. So I was tossed between home and care, I never knew where I was most of the time, but I knew one thing in my life with total certainty, I wasn’t loved, and as an unwanted child I couldn’t do anything about that, and though I tried as much as a child could to make my parents love me, I never achieved that, and now its too late, they are both dead. This carried on until I was 10 and a half, then I was sent home until I was 16.I left home as soon as I could once I reached 16. I remember these years as so traumatising, that much of it has been sent to a place in my brain that’s not often visited. It wasn’t all-bad, I can remember a few great times at home. Sadly I have few pictures of this time, and the only baby picture I have is of my right arm this was because my sister was next to me in picture, and my image was removed save the arm, and its heart breaking as I have no idea what I looked like as a baby. All the pictures in the family album with me in them were mutilated to cut me out, a gesture that wasn’t lost on me. It certainly told me I was not a wanted family member. It wasn’t until I got my files I learnt that my parents had problems, mentally and that was a huge shock, as I thought everyone’s parents were like that. The one thing that kept me sane was my love of music, im very lucky and seem to be very musical. I played Euphonium at school,(I still play Euphonium and Baritone in a very well known Brass band, its one stable in my life ,music, and now ive been playing 36 years, I adore music). From aged 11 to 16 when I left Broomfield Secondary Modern School in Leigh Park, Havant Hants, which I attended from September 1970 until Easter 1975. Before that I went to Park house Farm Infants and Juniors, and when in care I went to schools in the area of children’s homes. Then 2 weeks later I left home to work at Le-Court Cheshire Home in Liss Hampshire, as a care assistant. I lived in and this was a very happy time. I met my first serious boyfriend there, a chef called Phillip Alletson, he was great and 4years older than me, I thought he was so worldly wise then. lol. Many years later I realised he wasn’t really, its just that at 16 and on my own in the world for the first time I was very scared, and he was so mature, that I just hung around him, and the inevitable happened we became a couple. I often wonder what happened to him, I guess he would be in his 50`s now! that’s scary!. I worked at the local Spar shop after school and Saturdays and that was fantastic, it got me out of the house and it was great to forget home life while I was at work. I shall be putting some pictures to these stories as I write them, and hopefully they will help to make the stories more interesting. I will be adding bits to each story as I remember them. The thing with trauma is things come back in fits and starts. I have never regretted getting my files from S.s, as they helped me move forward, as I always had something I couldn’t put my finger on in my life, and when I read my files and as I re-read them from time to time, I heal more and I totally forgive my parents for my childhood, I just wish they knew that. Added 28th April 2005.Updated march 24th 08 THIS PAGE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION,SO KEEP POPPING BACK.