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Local Woolies Beefcake talks to the North West
On Thursday the 16th of August, an employee of Woolworths in Blackburn became a celebrity throughout the North West. He participated in lewd and indecent acts with token Yank Sally Stone. This involved 'Michael Duffy' going into detail about his time at the Reading Festival. What Mick failed to mention was that.....he never actually went! Since Michael has discovered this new found fame, he cannot walk the streets without all the ladies flocking around him, and each wanting to get up close and personal with, who has now been named 'The Woolworths Beefcake' |
Local Racer in horror smash
 A local Viper striped fiesta driver was involved in a horrific multiple car pile up on Fecitt Brow, Blackburn. Three times Rothsey Rd go-kart champion John Hill was the driver in the special edition Fiesta, and was unfortunately left uninjured in the accident. When interviewed, John said,"I was dwiving about 50mph up Fecitt Bwow when this pwick came out of nowhere infwont of me. Luckily with my expewience dwiving Alfa Womeos, and Fewwawis i could weact quick enough to avoid the cwash being a fatal one. I'm just gwateful that my Tweety pie mud flaps didn't sustain any injuwies."
John Hill has now put life in the 'Fiesta' lane behind him. He is now looking to invest in a Renault Clio. My he return to the roads soon, our country needs more men like him! |
TOP STORY - Lytham Road bad boy buys first pack of fags
The man who can put fear into the fearless, Chris Snape, is set to buy his first packet of fags. Multiple felon, Snape, 19 of Lytham Rd Blackburn has been a regular smoker since he was 16 years old. During that time, Snappy as known to his freinds, has adopted a unique style of aquiring fags. Whenever out with freinds and somebody lights one up he simply uses the suttle phrase,"SAVE US ON THAT?" This phrase has now become common knowledge, and really pi**ies off the smokers. But, on the date of 25/8/2001 Snappy will make history by buying 20 Lambert & Butler for a knockdown price of only £2.50. I will report on events as they happen. This is one excited reporter just counting down the days to this historic event! |
Embassy Pool Champion in Shock Double Defeat
The world of sport was in shock yesterday after hearing that Embassy Pool Champ, Grant 'Pot as many balls as you can' Prescott sustained two defeats, on the same night! Previously unbeaten for a record 3 years Prescott just couldn't get to grips while playing at the world renowned Waterside Club. He lost his game to a very impressive Penfold look-a-like surrendering a clean sweep of victories already established by his Katy Daly team mates. That made the match 6-1 to Katy Dalys. Another game followed making the score 7-1. Grant had chance to redeam himself with the final game of the night. He partnered veteran David Chambers in hope of sealing a record victory for the Irish outfit. With constant encouragement from Guiness swilling alcholic Michael Duffy, Grants game improved, but they were eventually punished with some sharp potting from the opponents making the final score 7-2 to Katy Dalys. After the match Grant said, "I learnt alot tonight. But I'm not really assed! I mean cummon, i won £100,000 the last time I played!" |
Football Star meets ........Football Star!
On the third weekend of August, Mark Heys was on a day trip out to Southport with his family. This was just supposed to be a normal family excursion with nothing out of the ordinary. But you cannot expect the unexpected, and niether did Heysie. The former Ivy Hotel FC, and current All Blacks Star had the shock of his life when he bumped into one of his legion of fans. The man a six footplus scoucer removed his consealling cap to reveal his identity. It was Steven Gerrard. Heysie had a hectic day after that signing autographs and posing for photos. The two hottest football properties in the game then retired to the members bar for a few well earned pints of Strongbow, what a hard life to lead! |
Youth on run after singing incedent
A youth from the furthergate area of Blackburn is on the run after singing exploits after a boozing night out. The youth, described as 6ft tall, wearing an unironed shirt began singing his own remdition of Ian Van Dahls popular hit single,'Castles in the sky'. The youth, said to look like Jimbob Walton from TVs Waltons, lyrics were a little different though. Anybody with any information please contact the police. Our streets will be a far safer place when this evil satanist is finally caught! |
Has Gazza moved to Darwen?
Reports in recent weeks has suggested a number of unconfirmed sightings of football icon Paul Gascoigne. The sightings have been near Redearth Road in Darwen. If this is true is Gazza about to make a sensational switch from Everton to footballs sleeping giants Darwen FC. Only time will tell, but if anybody knows more information please leave a message on the message board, and i will report on events as they happen. |
Has Micks Bubble finally burst?
Furthergate rogue Mick Willets, was rushed to hospital today after he felt horrific pains in his chest. It turns out that the playboy had a bubble on his lung which had actually burst. Mick was hospitalised overnight and has been told to give his lungs a break. What that actually means I don't know, but surely Mick must have a good idea! From now on the joker from St. Margarets Way will simply be known as BUBBLE! |
Judge mental
JUDGE JULES - who has got rich on the hard earnt cash of clubbing youngsters - reckons that British lads on holiday in Ibiza (where he's lived in a luxury villa for five years incedentally) are letting the side down.
"There are two types of clubbers who come to Ibiza," he says. "The sort who bring with them between £800 and £2,000 and see amazing sunsets, and those with just £150 in their pockets looking for the cheapest things."
This story was taken from the Star on 23/08/2001. Has Judge Jules got a point? Only Evertonian heart-throb, Andy Lancaster can confirm this story. Personally, I don't think the DJ is telling any porkies. "I would do, but I can't afford!" |
Insomnia to hit Darwen
High flying diesel company 'Darwen Diesels', is relocating to larger premises in Blackburn. This has prompted local nightclub tycoon, Kris Golden, to bid for the soon to be vacant site. When interviewed about the speculation Kris had this to say, "Yes, I am planning to create my latest nightclub at the current Darwen Deisels site. Signs are being made as we speak. It will be called 'Insomnia' and will target the ever growing gothic phonomena. It will be unique to the UK, boasting Blood sprinklers and a fighting only dance floor, though I also have other ideas uo my sleeve!".
Kris was inspired by famous gothic trend-setters such as Slipknot, Korn and Hear'say. This will be another top quality nightclub to hit Darwen which has already been labelled,'The Nightlife capital of the World!' |
Pool champ back to winning ways
After the shock double defeat sustained by pool champ Grant Prescott 2 weeks ago, he finally redeamed himself cruising to a double victory! Some exquisite positioning play set his pool partner Sammy Cook up to grab the first victory. His singles victory was absolute world class. Up against Oozeheads finest player Grant kept his cool and lit up the pub with some outstanding pool. Atfer a nailbiting match the black was finally sunk with a phenomenally struck swerve shot that sent the fans into a frenzy. After the closely fought match Grant had this to say, "Its good to get back to winning ways. Its always difficult against players of such class, but I didn't believe I could lose. I'm now looking forward to getting to the Embassy Championships in Blackpool later this year, at the moment I am unbeatable!" |
Quantum leap?
A 21 year old local man who's identity can not be revealled is cruising around the region in a Quantum Leap style!
The fully qualified chef/big name DJ/rally driver trained/astronaught/PC software designer/whatever story you tell me I've done something better, has been reportedly spotted on the streets in a Peugeot 106. (He couldn't be arsed with HP, paid for by his lucrative computer firm).
With a Hollywood career beckoning, I advise anyone who meets this enigma to remember they are in the presence of greatness! You have been warned!!!
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Chicken Phal in anthrax scare!
 A local indian takeaway (cannot be named for legal reasons), were linked to an anthrax alert in the Laxey rd district of Blackburn. The unamed victim wolfed down the house special 'Chicken Phal' and within minutes of consumption a sea of blisters formed on the tongue. The relavent forces were informed and the dish was taken away for analysis. A spokesman revealing the results stated, "It was just a bloody hot curry! I recommend that people listen in the future when told that it is the hottest dish available!"
The alleged victim declined to comment, but a source close to the man said, "If they had given him a bigger portion of mango chutney then none of this would have happened!"
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Man caught urinating in public place
What was meant to be a normal night at the cinema turned into a naked scramble involving Danish Bacon's answer to Steve Threlfall. Adam 'Spud' Slinger felt the effects of a supersize-unlimited refill offer on Pepsi, and a 15 minute queue for the toilet. Having decided to chance to wait until we arrived home, Spuds bladder had other ideas! Time was up, Spud needed to go! He waited to the coast was clear, positioned himself strategically at the side of the car and let go! Unfortunately the driver of the vehicle (identity cannot be revealed), had a slight slip of the clutch and ACCIDENTLY jolted forward - exposing Spud in all his glory! Spud frantically shook off and scambled back in back the car.
A red faced Spud had this to say about the incident, "What? David Walsh what?". Don't ask!
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A Gush of Blood to the head!
 A local ginger rocket shocked his friends and family by declaring his undying love for a University page 3 stunner!
University 2nd year failure Grant 'Ginger Rocket' Prescott, was the envy of all his mates as walked hand in hand, clearly in love with the stunning, Esther Gush! Congratulations go out to the couple who are hoping for the arrival of a mini ginger gush in the coming year!
Photo of the babe: |
Moist boys caught in the act!
 Four of Blackburns most wanted men were finally caught on camera on a drunken night out on the town. Amongst the men were, Chris Bisson and the walking bacon butt monster. Here is the evidence proving the guys are still out there! |
BT Engineer in identity crisis
A work shy / glass back BT engineer was the talk of the TEC, when he was mistakened for a Sea dwelling mamal. Dan Logan had just finished his 3 hour dinner at pleasy exchange to attend what was meant to be a standard 2 extention provide order. Little did he know that the customer he was visiting was the looniest loono in the Blackburn area. After failing to knock on the living room door ( there was no door ), he was accused of "Barging In", with the customer likening him to 'A Whale!'
Dan was pushing his luck when he tried takin his brew (which was probably spat in), into the computer room, AGAINST orders! When the job was complete, Dan swiftly put his tools together to vacate asap. Unfortunately, his voltage detector was accidently switched on, resulting in a loud bleeping noise ringing through the house. Once switched off, footsteps started coming up the stairs and became louder and closer. Then the loonatic woman accused him of breaking the fax machine, and threatened to "Bleep you in a minute!"
After the job Dan was questioned over his ordeal to which he replied, " Its all in a days work! Got to go now, its half 2, got to be at pub in 10minutes, bye!"
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