The Snip IS Imminent For Tormey

Thwaites midfield bit part, Shaun Tormey has relived the day when he thought he was facing the snip, not from the team, but his foreskin! In an exclusive interview he described how work colleagues of his girlfriend made him believe that (i) she was a jew (ii) he had to be circumsized to do her! and (iii) he had to become a jew himself in order to marry her. It is thought the main pratagamist behind this was an irishman called dermot. However Tormey has expressed his relief at finding out his girlfriend is a christian and he explained "I was prepared for the snip, but I am relieved that I don't. I just want to play football now". Meanwhile Tormey has denied reports that he is still yearning for ex-girlfriend cat (who now has a new boyfriend).
Meanwhile in the lovelives of other THwaites stars:
Dom Hopwood was stood up at the weekend by an old aquatance (not known to be male or female), Hopwood said "He has been deeply embarrased by the whole situation".
Brother, Jamie Hopwood is said to be having turbulant times with catherine and is believed to be stalking a young girl who goes by the name of Kelly.
Recent signing Paul Sankey has been sacked by the club already. The mariner was in his home town on saturday and pulled some bird (so he says!), but he has been caught up in a knicker sniffing scandal, with some ugly french bird. This however is not why he has been sacked. He is just too short for the BRIC's over head height rule! Manager Southworth has denied reports of a knicker sniffing 'orgy' with Sankey.
 
Meanwhile Southworth is under investigation for illegal poaching. Not players, but under age schoolgirls. He openly admits to wining and dining the work placement student , in alocal chippy in chorley, but denies bedding the youngster. He has however attained a pair of her panties to sniff! peodofile! Dom Hopwood has leaped to his defence. Hopwood who has 'first hand' experince of under age girls and a keen cricketer, quoted, "If there's grass on the wicket, lets play cricket"!!!!!
 
Sources have claimed both Hopwood and Southworth have been voluntarily but on the sex offenders list. They have not been sacked from the club because founder member Gary Targett put it was alright to do this 'sort of stuff in the clubs mission statement.
 
Finallly Mark Slater is under investigation after 13 dead sheep were found in his caravan