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Just Poets : Message Board

28.02-2009 18:41:44

Re: Crossing
Yes I really like this, and how it implies that the pressure to keep moving doesn't give us time to calm down and not react with anger. I like the two strong words in the opening line, and the image of the last 3 lines is good and strong too.
In between I think it might be a question of being sure you have the line breaks where they're most effective. I'm not sure the line breaks are right on the sentence *Is there ten seconds....count to ten?* And that might be best as *Are there ten seconds*. You might be able to shorten those lines and make them more snappy - eg *Are there ten seconds/between rising and sleeping/to count to ten*. The line break can work with the meaning, and you can end lines with stronger words.
From the line *Take ten seconds at work* I find it very strong*. In fact I think the whole poem works so what I'm suggesting are only suggestions. Perhaps in the lines *Ten seconds to breathe....ten seconds to love* it would sound different with things that are actually done in a set time. Like *Ten seconds to eat*. This would be very different to things like breathe, live and love which are always going on in the background.
Just ideas though and it works very well as it is.
Like it!

- adele

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