Can You Do Better?.

Have you any funny cat jokes?. Send them to us, and we will add them to this page.
e-mail aristocatrescue@gmx.co.uk





Good Cat

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be; able to type; good with a computer; and be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer".

A short time after, a cat walked up to the window, looked at the sign for a few moments and then went inside. He looked at the receptionist, wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, tapped it with his paw and mewed. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager and the cat repeated his actions. The office manager looked at the cat and was surprised, to say the least but he led the cat into the office.

Inside, the cat jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said; "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type".

The cat jumped down, went over to a typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page, walked over to the manager, gave it to him and then jumped back onto the chair.


The manager was stunned, but then said to the cat; "The sign says you have to be good with a computer.".

The cat jumped down again and went over to the computer, turned it on and then created a spreadsheet! The manager was dumbfounded. He looked at the cat and said; "You are a highly intelligent cat and have some very unusual abilities. However, I still can't give you the job".

The cat went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about the business being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual".

The cat looked at the manager calmly, opened his mouth and said;

"Woof!"
Sent to us by Clive Arnold.

What is a cats favourite colour ?
Purrrple of course !!

Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

what do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

What is a cat's favourite song?
Three Blind Mice.

What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice?
Don't you have a cat?

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.

How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.

Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.

Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists?
Because they finally opened their eyes.

Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat?
A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.

What does a cat do when it gets mad?
It has a hissy fit.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
The purrpatrator.

What happened when the cat went to the flea circus?
He stole the whole show!

Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The retail store.

What does a cat like to eat on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.

What do cats use to make coffee?
A purrcolator.

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.

If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
Their paws.

Why is the cat so grouchy?
Because he's in a bad mewd.

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?
None! They were copy cats.

Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you?
That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.

How does the cat get its own way?
With friendly purrsuasion.

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?
An eskimew.

What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.

What is a cat's favourite subject in school?
HISStory.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.

How do cats end a fight?
They hiss and make up.

What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.

Why are cats such good singers?
Because they're very mewsical.

What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner?
Chain litter.

What is the cat's favourite magazine?
Good Mousekeeping.

How many cats can you put into an empty box?
Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look?
Because you stop looking after you find it.

If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window?
Because the window is closed.

What is a cat's favourite movie?.
"The sound of mewsic".

What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas?
Sandy Claws.

Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't?
Your lap.

Why did the cat put oil on the mouse?
Because it squeaked.

What side of the cat has the most fur?
The OUT-side.

What is a cat's favourite car?
The Catillac.

What kind of cat will keep your grass short?
A Lawn Meower.

Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?
Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.

What do you use to comb a cat?
A catacomb.

Why did the cat run from the tree?
Because it was afraid of the bark!

Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Because he's always spotted.

Why is a frog luckier than a cat?
Because a frog croaks all the time
- a cat only croaks nine times.

What`s a rat`s least favourite record?
What`s up, Pussycat?.

What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a lift.

Why are black cats such good singers?
They`re very mewsical.

When it is unlucky to see a black cat?
When you`re a mouse.

What do you call it when a witch`s
cat falls off her broomstick?
A catastrophe.

What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
Santa Claws.

How do you get milk from a cat?
Steal her saucer.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A peeping tom.

Why did the lady feed her cat pennies?
She wanted to put them in the kitty.

Why do cats never shave?
Because eight out of ten of them prefer Whiskers.

Why is a kitten like an unhealed wound?
Both are a little pussy.

What do you call a cat who never comes when she is called?
Im-puss-able.

What do you call a cat that drinks vinegar?
A sour puss.

Now you see it....now you don`t-
What are you looking at?
A black cat walking over a zebra crossing.

What is a cat`s favourite TV programme?
Miami Mice.

What`s furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws?
A posse cat.

What do cats strive for?
Purr-fection.

What do you call a cat who can spring from the ground to the top of your head in one leap?
A good jum-purr.

What do you call a cat that can spell as well as a human?
An ex-purr-t.

What kind of cats love water?
Octopusses.

What is an American cat`s favourite car?
A Catillac.

Teacher: And did you see Catskill Mountains on your visit to America?
Child: No, but I saw them kill mice.

What did one cat say to another?
Nothing. Cats can`t speak.