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BARBWIRE CATS. By DAVID PERRY, MOJAVE DESERT. U.S.A.
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How To Tell If Your Cat Has A Problem.
 | 1.Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
2.Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-off-hair (and favorite) bedspread?
3.Is your cat selfish? conceited? arrogant? aloof? insensitive?
4.Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
5.Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?
6.Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions relax, your cat is normal.
Annon.
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Keeping Fit.
I read in this morning's paper that fat and flabby cats tend to be unhealthy cats. Thought it would be a good time to get healthy.
First eat from the three food groups: Mice, grass, and kitty treats. If you can't find enough of the first two, bulk up on the third group. A well balanced diet will leave you feeling full...And more able to take your morning, mid-day, and afternoon cat-naps.
Next, work out. Exercise is key to kitty fitness. I follow the regimen of Arnold Schwarzentabby:
It is important to start every cat exercise with a stretch. Preferably placing claws on the fabric of the couch or into the expensive leather chair. Never forget to stretch. A new couch or chair an owner can buy, a new cat like you is impossible.
I start each and every morning working on the "stair climber." If you don't have a "stair climber" machine, a human will do. While in bed, climb up and down your human, pausing to look into his or her face before climbing down again. Repeat the process until the human wakes up. Adding a touch a drool on one of the visits to the face is good. A human face makes a good spittoon during kitty exercise.
Next, running. Always good exercise. Do not run outside. It is unfamiliar territory and you could get hurt by a car. Run in the house. As fast as you can. Digging claws into the carpet around sharp corners is good for kitty leg muscles. A good run is when a human cannot actually see you, but only hear the sound of the carpet being torn as you race by.
Finally...Don't forget the cool-down period. This consists of a long period of inactivity. Resist the temptation to get up and do something. You do not want to injure yourself and make yourself useless to your owner. In fact, this is such an important part of the regimen, that you can skip the first three suggestions and go right to this one. I do it every day and I am a healthy cat. It was a good day.
Annon.
A Cat`s Guide to Human Beings.
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats?
Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being.
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, standby the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following:
Cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead
Warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living.
When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
Annon.
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Kitty Ten Commandments.
I am the lord of the house.
Thou shalt have no other pets than me.
Thou shalt never ignore me.
I shall ignore thee whenever I feel like it.
Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thee the time of day.
Remember my cat dish to keep it full.
Thou shalt spend most of your money on toys and gifts for me.
Thou shalt always have your lap ready for me to curl up on.
Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand.
Thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.
Unknown. |
What Is A Cat?
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
Unknown.
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Cat Lovers Who Cook.
Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
Get cup of coffee.
Get cat off of cookbook.
Find that special recipe.
Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
Go to fridge and get eggs.
Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
Break eggs in small bowl.
Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
Answer the phone.
Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
Throw flour out and get more.
Preheat oven for cookies.
Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now.
Watch cat run for cover into bathroom.
Flour the counter to roll! out cookie dough.
Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound.
Cat has toilet paper all over floor
and your personal bathroom things
knocked over on top of the counter.
Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
Get bandages to cover more scratches
on arms and legs.
Clean up bathroom.
Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now.
Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
Try to pick cat hairs out of flour.
Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.
Squeeze cat through partially open window into
a stranger's car at the store parking lot.
Eat most cookies on the way home.
Give the last cookie to the cat waiting
at the front door
as the cat has beat you home.
Unknown
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How To Get Your Cat Into A Cat Carrier
1. Two days prior to scheduled vet appointment retrieve pet carrier from motorhome.
2. Place carrier with door open in easy accessible location to give cat ample time to reacquaint himself with seldom used apparatus.
3. 30 Minutes prior to appointment time and 15 minutes prior to departure time position the pet carrier with door open in middle of kitchen floor.
4. Locate cat.
5. If cat is found in same room with carrier, approach cat slowly and talk to cat calmly. Cat will be eyeing you suspiciously. Cats aren’t stupid!
6. Quickly but gently reach for cat who most likely will be looking for an escape route.
7. Firmly hold cat with both hands. (Note: Cat may sprout extra legs.)
8. Gently persuade cat into carrier headfirst. (Note: This is not an easy feat with many extra legs pushing carrier across kitchen floor.)
9. Position carrier against cupboard to limit movement.
10. Re-locate cat.
11. Again, gently encourage cat into carrier.
12. Take a break! You deserve it! You’ve worked hard!
13. New Plan is now in order: Ask for help.
14. Remove top of carrier and set aside.
15. Re-locate cat.
16. Gently set cat inside carrier.
17. Ask ‘helper’ to secure carrier top into place.
18. Cat is quick and strong. Repeat step 15.
19. If you wear eyeglasses, remove them before continuing. This will save you a trip to town later to get them adjusted when collision with ‘helper’ occurs.
20. Repeat steps 16 and 17. Work quickly!
21. Lock carrier door.
22. Take deep breath! Success at last!
23. Gently carry cat carrier to the car.
24. Quickly drive to designated appointment. This simple procedure took longer than expected.
25. Following appointment have vet show you simple three-step method to put cat into carrier!
26. Take cat home.
27. On the way home, open car window. Litter box unavailable in car.
28. Open carrier door. Cat will disappear!
29. Clean carrier.
30. Drive back to town to get glasses adjusted.
Unknown
Sent to us by Steven Harris
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Cats That Have Owned Me.
I was wondering what I could write about the cats I have owned, and their intelligent, almost human qualities.
Readers will be saying that`s nothing new, we could tell you how intelligent cats are.
I once had a cat named "Tam" - boy. He was an independent cat, and try as I may, he wouldn`t stay in at night.
Around 2am I was woken up every night by the cat flap banging, it would then go very quiet, while he ate his supper. Once eaten, he would gallop up the stairs, jump on my bed, then settle himself down for a cosy nap.
One night I heard loud crying. thinking something must be dreadfully wrong, I hurried as fast as I could, to see what was wrong. This loud noise was coming from the kitchen, when I entered, this noise stopped, Tam looked at me scornfully - I had forgotten to put his supper out. His reasoning was, that because he had nothing to eat, then he was going to make sure that I didn`t get any sleep.
Once I had given him his food, I was able to go back to bed, once the food was all gone, Tam galloped up the stairs, settle down on my bed and went to sleep.
Another evening I was watching a documentary on the T.V. a man was talking in Japanese, Tam ignored the set, and walked out of the room.
No sooner had he gone, then he was back again, he sat down and just stared at the T.V. Tam looked at me as if to say, "that man is not speaking the usual english language" he continued to stare at the T.V. until the man finished talking, after which he promptly got up and went into the garden.
Tam had a cat flap. this enabled him to come and go as he pleased, however, when one of the windows was open, he would take great delight, in coming and going through the open window.
One day, he was waiting for me to open the window, so that he could go out, I was just about to open the window, when the phone rang, I answered the phone, and became very engrossed in the phone call.Tam had sat down by my feet, waiting for me to finish the phone call, and then open the window.
After a few minutes, Tam decided that he had waited long enough, as you know cats don`t like to be ignored, he got up on my knee, and nipped my wrist, as though to say "Pay attention to me. I want to go out, can you hurry up and open the window for me, I am much more important, you can let me out, then you can go back to talking on that thing".
My next door neighbour had a dog, Tam loved to pinch bones that the dog had been given. he would bring them through the cat flap, he knew that I disaproved very much to this bone pinching, and to his love of depositing these bones on the carpet, before holding them between his two paws, and munching on them.
On one of these bone pinching days, I couldn`t get the back door open, Tam had pinched an extra large bone, and had got it wedged in the cat flap!
After Tam, the next cat I had was a Tortie girl called "Tina" whenever Tina came in, after being outside, she would always greet me with a cheerful miaow. I replied "Hello". Tina and I had many wonderful conversations of miaows and my replies.
Before breakfast Tina would always go to the front door, sit waiting patiently to be let out, no sooner had I let her out, than she would stand on her hind legs, looking through the glass panel, to be let back in again.
I had some alterations done to the house, this required some of the pictures I had on the wall, to be taken down. My cousin called, and drew my attention to Tina, who was sat starring at the blank wall, so though saying, "I`m sure there was something hanging up there earlier".
Tina loved to stretch out on my lap, her claws always jabbing in my tights, and watch T.V. When she had seen enough T.V. Tina would turn round look at me, and talk in a high pitched "miaow", as if saying "I`ve seen enough T.V. for the moment, its now time to rub my ears" Tina loved her ears rubbed.
All cats like routine, Tina would curl on my lap while I watched the late news, after this it was bedtime. I would say "Bedtime for Tinas" Tina would bury down on my lap, as if telling me, it was too early to be going to bed, and that she still wanted to stay on my lap.
I`m sure that if I was prepared to sit up all night, Tina would have been more than happy to sleep all night on my lap.
So much for my cats, I`m sure readers have a few tales to tell about their cats, that they could share with the rest of us?
To finish, I remember reading in a cat magazine of a cat that had been fed with a bottle when a kitten.
Even when the kitten was eating cat food, he would stand at the fridge, until his owner got out the milk, heated it, and put it into a bottle.
The kitten would get into bed, lie on his back, and holding the baby`s bottle between his paws , he would guzzle away in sheer contentment!
Written and Sent to us By Moira Griffin.
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How To Wrap A Christmas Present With A Cat
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained and shut door.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Try to smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors and tore the paper.
16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the presents came in.
17. Place present on paper.
18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19. Place object on paper to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to re-lay out paper and materials.
31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and re-lock.
32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door).
33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best).
34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on completing a difficult job.
38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make a drink and feed cat.
39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
Sent to us by Sue
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Hoe To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap
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10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Sent to us by Jill |
Things You Can Learn From Your Cat
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard until you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care."
When you have something important to say, try to say it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention you deserve.
Sent to us by Jill
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