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The Lord Will Provide
 Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats." |
never help a stranger
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
BUILDING SITES ARE UNSAFE
An englishman and a irish lad were working on a high building when the iricsh guy suddenly plummets down to earth with a smack. The foreman says " why did you push the irish lad off the building?" to which the englishman replied "I didn't, I was just telling him how I used to fly in Wellingtons during the war"
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LOVE ALL
 Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you were like that."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
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Is there no end to it?
 There were two old guys, Phil and Ross, sitting on a bench in the village centre feeding pigeons and talking about tennis, just like they did every day. Phil turns to Ross and says, "Do you think there's tennis in heaven?" Philip thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Ross. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is tennis in heaven." They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Ross passes on. One day soon afterward, Phil is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Phil... Phil...." Phil responds, "Ross! Is that you?" "Yes it is Phil," whispers the spirit of Ross. Phil, still amazed, asks, "So, is there tennis in heaven?" "Well," says Ross says, "I got good news and I got bad news." "Give me the good news first," says Phil. Ross says, "Well... there is tennis in heaven." Phil says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Ross sighs and whispers, "It’s your serve on Friday." |
It could happen to anyone
 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign, you sign!".
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!".
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!." and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The nextday he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling
"You.sign! You sign!".
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in
the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these too?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"Ahso, You not Nissan Maindealer?"
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How many to change a light bulb?
 Q: How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
Q: How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There never was a light bulb...
Q: How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.
Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!! |
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
 Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
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Accident at work?
 | "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
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It's ALL about cats and dogs.
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They must be tiny women in fur coats.
What is a dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They must be little men in fur coats.
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PILOTS
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the
cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots says to the other, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they'll scream too late and we'll all die."
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PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any
worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friend’s abode. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
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ENGLISH, MYSTERIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL
Why is English so hard to learn?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8) I did not object to the object.
9) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
10) They were too close to the door to close it.
11) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
12) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
13) I shed my clothes in the shed.
Let's face it - English is a ridiculous language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in a hamburger; neither apple nor pine in a pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England, nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that bakers bake, but grocers don't groce?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of Booth - beeth? One goose, 2 geese... So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which Your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And finally, how about when you want to shut down your computer you have to hit "START".
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