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"It's strange that there are so many shipwrecks that are close to the rocks"
"I'm not going to bother taking my lead weights to Egypt. Last time the excess baggage was too expensive"
"We stayed on one of those boats that you live aboard all week without getting off. What are they called again?"
"we are going to Stoney, just for a bimble. If you get a Nitrox fill, and we go to the hydrobox, you can get Dry Suit, Nitrox, and Deep Diver Specialities. If we get some chips on the way home, I can also do you a Fish identification speciality."
"If you want to do a reciprocal bearing, do you add 180° or take away 180°?"
"I'm not sure if it is right, but I've been told that 505 on my computer means that I can't do another dive today"
"She's fallen in with a crowd from the wrong side of the tracks"
"Would you mind taking the boat out to pick up the people doing a shore dive to Cathedral Rock. They seem to be heading out to sea"
"There's plenty of parking, local accommodation and there is a band"
"Dad! She's been into the shed but luckily she didn't see your twinset hidden"
"I knew it was a night dive, but I didn't know it would be dark"
"If you get a damp patch in your undersuit, Try licking your diaphram to get a better seal"
"I cannot believe I have sunk so low as to hide other peoples illicit dive kit in my cellar"
"I told the wife that I'd joined the dive club and that they gave me this nice diving watch to welcome me as a new member"
"I'm all Sharmed out"
"Go Right up the ramp"
"Stop the Clock"
"....Sweet & Sour Chicken, Kung Po Chicken, Chicken with black bean sauce, Chicken with Chilli sauce, Chicken Satay, Chicken chow mein......"
“I watched a guy holding onto the wreck and kicking like hell for about 5 minutes and I wondered if he was in trouble”
"Are you sure there are not three helicopters in Capernwray?.... I must have been to one twice then"
"If anybody asks me, I'll tell them straight. You're not coming on this trip because we don't like you"
"I thought I was getting sex tomorrow, but Stuart has blown it for me now"
"Are you going to take me Marcus? (up the back way?)"
"This lipstick is great. It will stay on for the whole dive"
"I was going to keep quiet about it to avoid embarrasment, but she sang like a Canary"
"The skipper said don't worry about it, we had a bloke here a few weeks ago who couldn't even find Bass Rock"
"They have painted a white horse with black stripes and are telling the kids it's a Zebra"
"What was the name of the evil doctor in Austin Powers?"
(A: Doctor Evil)
"My bouyancy with this stage bottle is just right for diving, but it's not so good when I want to stop for a chat underwater"
"How come there are three decks on this boat, but only two staircases?"
"I'm really sorry to hear about your blocked sinuses. So, what size is your dry suit?"
"I've just got a new dive computer, the dog ate my last one"
"We then spent about five minutes swimming against the slack!" (Sic)
"That's not a chuffin Puffin"
"No, That definitely isn't The Old Man of Hoy"....
"Bing~Bong. Ladies & Gentlemen, just off the port side of the ship, you will see The Old Man of Hoy"
"What's that big knob that you have between your legs for?"
"I knew I shouldn't have said anything about the knob as soon as it came out of my mouth"
"If the answer to question 12 is Buddy Holly and but we've put down The Hollies, is it right?"
"He enjoyed his first sea dive even though he was seasick on the beach"
"Before storing your BCD for the winter, swill the inside with just a little bit of milk"
"My Mum has just had a heart attack and she's in intensive care. What time are we diving tomorrow?"
"It was lucky that the boat caught fire, I'd left my BC in the back of the car anyway"
"He said it was maxillofacial cyanosis and suspected epidural hematoma which was possibly aggravated by his normoxic mix at 60m... Turns out, he just had verbal diarrhoea"
"It was at six metres when I realised that I'd left my dry suit hose on the kitchen table."
"The incident was on the Narcosis Moments page before I'd even got home"
"He's as slippery as a well buttered ice rink"
"On sunday, he was going to bare his ar*e on the jetty, but we were blown off instead.
"Shall we watch Deja Vue again?"
"The captain said "way anchor" and we all thought of you"
"doing 'a runner' after leaving full payment in cash and a generous tip, isn't really that successful"
"The first dive was the Scylla, and then we did Elphinstone"
"He doesn't need a spare anchor, we've brought our own"
"I don't fancy Cuba, what about going somewhere in the Caribbean?"
"As it's you, it's really not worth bothering about charging you for a split ring. But, if I don't my stock figures will be out so, 75p please"
"It wasn't the eight pints of Stella, I think I ate a dodgy meatball?"
"We saw an Elvis impersonator but I don't know what his name was"
"Is 'Porsche Painter Paul' the guy who paints the Porsche's?"
"After waiting 20 minutes, we had to flag down a jet skier and ask him to go and tell our safety boat where we were"
"I can't afford to go Diving, I've just bought a new dry-suit"
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