This is The North East | CommuniGate | St Albans RC Church Redcar Cleveland Feedback St Albans RC Church Redcar Union of Catholic Mothers Wilf Mannion St Abans In The Past We Were There In 1982 Lets Have A Debate Norman Evans MBE Lady Mayor Crusade The Cupid Cleric First Communion 2004-2005 Obituary Your Joking New Beginnings The Queen Arrives A Meaning to Life 1933 The Cross-1900 For the Older Perso. What's Your Hobby AJourney of a Lifetime Rowing the Atlantic St Albans School Sacred Heart and St Benedict- New Schools Confirmation 2005 A Tale or Two to Tell Redcar Cemetery New Housing Estate Sacred Heart School Local Heroes Out and About Where does your Street Name come from? Bishop Terry My Old Banger Post Cards New Hospital Do You Remember When?---- Human Fertililisation and Embryoligy Bill A Dream Come True Message Board Guestbook Event Calendar Mail Form The Pope's Decree The Pope informed all Clergy that gambling was forbidden.Fr Pat liked a flutter so he asked Paddy to meet him in the confessional at six pm and asked him to put a pound on Lester Piggot to win the 2.30 at Epsom the next day and to come back that night at the same time with his winnings. Next night Paddy went in and said,"IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER SON AND HOLY GHOST LESTER PIGGOT WAS PIPPED AT THE POST". Confusion St Peter was having a very busy time in Heaven, there were that many, coming through the gates he was getting confused.God came down, to try and sort things out. He suggested to Peter, to ask the people how they died and send them to sections allocated for them.The usual reasons were given, but one man said he had died of Aids.St Peter said he hadn't heard of that, so in the mean time, he asked him to stand in the middle and put a white coat on, so he could be seen.When God came down again he said to Peter,"You seem to be coping now but who is he in the middle?"St Peter replied"HE'S OUR FIRST AID MAN" The Padre An Australian Battalion were visited by their Regimental Padre and he asked one soldier, "Now my son have you come prepared for battle and perhaps to die and have you made your peace with God?and the soldier replied, "NO I CAME YESTERDIE" Doctor Jokes for the Kids Patient-Doctor I feel like a bridge. Doctor-What's come over you? Patient- Two lorries and a car. Patient- Doctor I can't stop singing Tom Jones's Green Green Grass of Home.Is this common? Doctor- It's Not Unusual. American Patient-Doc you gotta help me out here. Doctor- Which way did you come in? Patient-Doctor I feel like a Moth. Doctor-I think you need to see a specialist in this field.What made you come here? Patient-I saw the door open and the light on. A man went up to a Doctors Receptionist and asked to see the Doctor. The Receptionist asked the man what was wrong. The man said he keeps thinking he is invisible. The Receptionist goes and sees the Doctor and the Doctor said "Tell him I can't see him" The Bishops Visit Bishop John was visiting an old peoples home and stopped to talk to the residents.He asked one old lady "Do you know who I am?" and the old lady replied " Ask the Matron love, she'll tell you" Poor Fred Fred had just had a nasty accident.His leg was in plaster, his arm was in a sling, he had a bandage on his head and a neck brace. He was waiting at the bus stop and when it came the conductor said "Now Fred How Ya Gettin On Mate?". A Blessing The owner of a car repairers, wanted his new garage blessed.He called in his local Priest and the Priest said "LET US SPRAY" It Was Like This Me Lord A man was up before the Judge on an assault charge and the Judge asked the man to explain what happened.The man replied,"Me and the wife, called into a DIY store for some paint and a chap came up to us and said DO YOU WANT DECKING?,so I hit him first me Lord". Crossword Two nuns were helping each other to do a crossword puzzle.One said to the other"What's another name for a postmans bag?"and the other nun answered "How many letters are there?" and the first nun said "HUNDREDS". It's all in the Spelling The same two nuns came across a clue and one said to the other,"What would you find at the bottom of a budgie cage, four letters ending in IT?"and the other nun said, "GRIT" so the first nun said"Oh! I'm going to need to alter it in that case". Logic Two Irish men employed by the Council started to dig holes in the grass verges outside people's homes.While one dug the other watched and when the first man finished and moved on to the next hole to be dug,the mate filled the hole in again.A resident was watching this and was very curious, so he asked the two lads, why they dug a hole, then filled it in again and one lad said"Well you see mister, we are only doing what we were told to do, I dig and he fills in.The bloke who plants the trees, is on the sick" A Way Out A chap who loved Greyhound racing, saw an advert in the paper 'Pedigree' Greyhounds for sale £40, a cert to get your money back after a couple of races.This chap sent for one and bragged to his mates in the Club, he was going to make a fortune.When the Greyhound was delivered he found it was dead.He rang the owner, who suggested he sent it back but he would have to pay for the packing and postage. He thought about it and decided he would raffle, the dead Greyhound, at his Club, at two pound a ticket, saying he could not afford to feed it.He sold twentyone.The chap who won, was'nt in the Club, so he decided to take it to his house and left it with his wife. A very irate man, came round to his house and said the Greyhound, he had won in the raffle, was dead, so he apologized and gave him back his two pound. It's Like This Two Policemen were walking down the street and they saw a man coming towards them completely naked, with a girl on his back, also naked.The policemen said to the man"Hi Hi whats going on here then?" and the man said "I'M GOING TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY AS A TORTOISE AND THIS IS MICHELLE". Names In years gone by people with certain Christian names lent themselves to add ons which people found amusing. In war time with rationing at it's height if a general dealer was called Ernie he was called 'ERNIE BREADLEFT'. Anyone called Arthur was 'ARFER TEACAKE'. Apologies to anyone with the following names- Isobell (neccesary on a bike) Fred (the needle) Barbara (it's cold outside) Bet (you a pound) Wendy (Moon shines over the cccowshed, I'll be wwaiting at the kkkitchen door) old music hall song. Children always thought the rag and bone man was called Ernie because he would shout 'ERNIE RAGBONE' Penny(for your thoughts). Eileen- (Lady with one leg) Irene- (Chinese lady with one leg.) Justin-(time.) The Chicken A chap in a restaurant called the waiter over and complained his chicken was cold and the waiter said "I'm not surprised it's been dead for a fortnight". Chicken 2 A chap was having a meal in a Chinese Restaurant and called the waiter over and said "This chicken is rubbery" and the waiter said "Thank you sir we always aim to please". Quiz The pub quiz master asked, who were the SIX characters in Coronation St, with names beginning with R.After a lot of head scratching the audience could only think of four,Rita,Roy,Reg and Richard.The quiz master said the other two were 'R VERA' and 'R JACK' More for the Kids Mother balloon,father balloon and little balloon, would all sleep together in one large bed.Father balloon thought that the time had come, for little balloon to have his own room, so he decorated it and put in a nice new bed and said to little balloon, that this is where he would sleep from now on.On the first night little balloon couldn't sleep so he crept into his parents room, climbed on the bed and tried to snuggle between them but found it impossible.He decided to let some air out of father balloon and tried again but he still could not snuggle between them, so he did the same to mother balloon, still no joy so he took some air out of himself. Success at last and snuggled down and went to sleep. Next morning father balloon said to little balloon "I'M VERY DISAPOINTED IN YOU, YOU'VE NOT ONLY LET ME DOWN, YOU HAVE LET YOUR MOTHER DOWN AND YOURSELF" The Boyfriend A women decided to finish with her very jealous boyfriend and started going out with another lad she met at work.One evening she invited her new boyfriend in for coffee, in her upstairs flat.Just at that, her old boyfriend came to the door, so she asked her new boyfriend to hide. The jealous boyfriend suspected she was seeing someone else and flew into a rage, ran to the window and saw a man running past below, so he picked up the nearest thing and hurled it through the window.This was very heavy and he collapsed and died. Later in Heaven St Peter met these three men and asked for an explanation.The jealous boyfriend told his story, so St Peter asked the next man to explain and he said "Well I was running for a bus and was hit on the head with something and ended up here."St Peter turned to the third man and he said "WELL I WAS IN THIS FRIDGE---- A Load of Wood In the nineteen forties a man had been out of work and was desperate for a job.The Labour Exchange sent him to a woodyard and the forman asked him if he could drive a lorry.The man said he could, so the forman told him to take a lorry load of wood to London. Every Town and Village he came to he would ask a passerby if this was London. They would say no and for him to carry on. He arrived in London and stopped on Tower Bridge in the rush hour stopping all the traffic.A Policeman came up to him and told him to move and the man said "IS THIS LONDON?" and the Policeman said it was and the man said "WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS WOOD?" Retreat A Catholic Priest,a Methodist Minister and a Jewish Rabbi went on retreat together to get to know each others religion.They got together after the official business and sat talking.The Rabbi asked the Methodist Minister if he had any secrets he could unburdon on the other two. The Minister said, although he was against drink because that's what his religion taught him, he admitted that during his vacation he likes nothing better than to buy a couple of bottles of Whisky and enjoy them. When he returns to his 'flock' his batteries are recharged. The Rabbi then asked the Priest to share his secrets and the Priest said he was, in principle against gambling because that's what his Church taught him he admitted that on vacation he likes nothing better than the roulette table in a Casino,or the Racetrack, sometimes he wins sometime he loses but when he returns to his 'flock' his batteries are recharged. The Priest then asked the Rabbi to share his secrets and the Rabbi said "I've been told many a time by my friends that I AM A TERRIBLE GOSSIP". TTTTrouble A man with a very bad stammer asked a porter when the next train was due and the porter ignored him so he complained to the Station Master.The Station Master apologized to the man. Later he asked the porter for an explanation and the porter said "I DDIDN'T WWWANT HIM TTO HHIT MME TTHINKING I WWAS TTTTAKING TTHE MMICKY" Cross Eyed A chap had a cross eyed Rottwieler as a pet and took it to the Vet to see if he could do anything.The Vet said "Let's have a look at him, he's a beautiful dog". The Vet then examined the dogs teeth and said "I'm going to have to put him down"and the chap said "What just because he is cross eyed" and the Vet replied"No because he is too heavy" Graveyard A two seater aircraft crashed in a Cemetery in Ireland.The Police have so far recovered 1850 bodies and expect to find more. Quosimodo Quosimodo wanted to go on holiday but he needed someone to ring the bells everyday, so he held auditions.One chap came with both arms bandaged so Quosimodo asked him how he was going to ring the bells.The chap said he was going to run up to the bells and ring them with his head.He did this once and Quosimodo was very impressed and went to his boss for him to see. The chap did it again but this time missed and fell to the floor. The Police were called and asked Quosimodo if he knew the chap and Quosimodo said "HIS FACE RINGS A BELL" His brother came next and said he was going to skateboard up to the bell, wait for it to ring and skateboard back, onto the platform.He did this once and Quosimodo was very impressed and went for his boss to see.He skateboarded back onto the bell but missed and fell below. The Police were again called and asked again, if Quosimodo knew this chap and he replied "HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER" Rabbit Rabbit A bald headed man and his wife were driving through the Countryside, when they run over a large rabbit.The wife was most upset and cuddled the badly injured rabbit.Her husband went to the glove compartment and brought out a large can and sprayed the rabbit with it. At that, the rabbit shook itself and went hopping and bounding into the nearest field.The wife asked her husband what he had used and he pointed to the can which said "HAIR RESTORER" It's not what you think Two Nuns who were also nurses were called out to a patient and on the way back they run out of petrol.A kind motorist offered to syphon some of his, if they had a can or bucket.They replied they only had a bed pan.The motorist filled the bed pan with petrol and the Nuns started to pour the petrol into the car.Just then a Policeman came up to them and said "I don't think that will work Sisters but I admire your faith. Don't Say That A chap went on holiday to Africa and he got separated from his tour guide and ended up in a remote place exhausted.He looked up and saw this Church.He knocked on the door and a Priest opened it, welcomed him in and nursed him back to health.The Priest pointed him in the direction of the nearest village.Outside the chap spotted a horse, so he asked the Priest if he could borrow it and leave it at the nearest village, for him to collect.The Priest agreed but said the horse was only funny.He would only move off, if you say 'THANK GOD' and would only stop, if you say 'AMEN'.The chap mounted the horse, thanked the Priest and said 'THANK GOD',at which the horse moved off. Feeling more confidant he shouted 'THANK GOD, THANK GOD'and the horse galloped faster.The chap realised that they were heading for a sheer drop ahead of them and shouted 'AMEN AMEN' at which the horse pulled up.The chap mopped his brow and said 'THANK GOD FOR THAT' A Song Writers Passing It is with regret, the announcement has been made of the passing of the composer of the Okie Kokie,aged 93 in America.The family had great difficulty getting him in the coffin.THEY PUT HIS LEFT LEG IN,then the trouble started. Women Drivers This morning driving up the M1,I glanced across into the next lane and there was this women in a brand new 4x4, travelling at 75mph, with her face right up against the rear view mirror,putting her eyeliner on. I looked away for a few seconds and when I looked back, she was coming over to my lane, still doing her makeup.Now as a man, I don't scare easy but she scared me so much,I dropped my electric shaver ,which knocked my donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to keep the car straight with my knees, it knocked my mobile away from my ear,which dropped in my coffee which was between my knees.The hot coffee soaked my trousers and burnt my you know what.So there I was, soaked to the skin, with a ruined mobile and me in the middle of an important phone call, which was disconnected.WOMEN DRIVERS Pardon A chap ordered an hearing aid from a catalogue over a month ago and he hasn't heard anything since. I only asked A chap walked into a Chinese Takeaway and said to the man "Do you deliver" and the Chinese man said"Please look at the board,we do chicken,beef,pork but we do not do liver" Little Children Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned- (1)No matter how hard you try you can't baptise cats. (2)When your mam is mad with your dad,don't let her brush your hair. (3)If your sister hits you,don't hit her back, your mam always catches the second person. (4)Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato. (5)You can't trust dogs to watch your food. (6)Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. (7)You can't hoover and hold a cat at the same time. (8)You can't hide your broccoli in a glass of milk. (9)You can't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. The Four Stages Of Life. (1)You believe in Father Christmas. (2)You don't believe in Father Christmas. (3)You are Father Christmas. (4)You look like Father Christmas. Great Truths Adults Have Learned (1)Raising children is like nailing jelly to a tree. (2)Wrinkles don't hurt. Are You Shakespeare William Shakespeare walked into a pub and ordered a pint and the landlord said to him,"Is your name Shakespeare"at which William said it was and the landlord said"Your Bard". It's Not What It Seems A man walked into a pub with a massive dog on a lead.The landlord was non too happy but at the same time was curious,as he had never seen a dog so big.The landlord asked the man about the breed and the man said it was an african hunting dog.The landlord said "It's a beautiful dog"and the man said"IT WAS EVEN BETTER BEFORE I SHAVED IT'S MANE OFF". The Dregs All our family were sitting at the table eating fish and chips,and our mam was trying to get the last dregs out of a bottle of tomato ketchup and was bashing the bottom, when the phone rang.Little Katie ran to the phone and shouted back it was the Priest.So she said,"OUR MAM CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE,'CAUSE SHE'S HITTING THE BOTTLE". A Baptism of Fire Joe had had a great time at the pub with his mates and got very drunk.As it was a sunny day he decided to go for a walk in a wood nearby.He went merrily along singing to himself and came across a river.In the river a local Vicar was baptising his flock,so he decided to find out what was going on and waded in the river.The Vicar grabbed hold of him and dunked him in the river saying "Have you found Jesus yet?"at which Joe replied no.The Vicar dunked him in again and repeated "Have you found Jesus yet?" at which Joe said "Are you sure he fell in here" A Drink Too Many Paddy was having a drink in the bar with his mates and the conversation got around to what to do with Sadam Hussein when he invaded Kuwait.Paddy thought him and his mates should declare war on him,so he rings him up and Sadam says "Is that you Paddy,what can I do for you mate"so Paddy says he is going to war against him if he doesn't pull out.Sadam says,"Don't you realise Paddy, I have a thousand aircraft and ten thousand men"so Paddy went to his mates to talk it over then went back and said"It's me again, we've decided not to go to war afterall because we wouldn't have anywhere to put the prisoners" Seeing Double There were two men enjoying a drink in a bar in Dublin,one was at one end of the room and the other was at the other end.One said to the other,"Would you be from these parts" and the other said "Yes I live just round the corner in Ryan St".The first man said "Now wouldn't that be funny, so do I and what number would that be?"so the other replied "Number 15"and the other replied" Well now that is funny,so do I,would you like to join me at the bar for a drink?"and the other said "Aye I'll have a wee drop of the hard stuff".Over the back of the bar was a mirror and as they walked to the bar, one said to the other"Do you see these two men walking towards the bar,I wonder if they fancy making a domino school".Just at that the telephone rings and the barmaid answers it and it's the landlord upstairs asking how trade was and the barmaid said "Ah it's only quiet, the Murphy twins are drunk again". The Big Bad Wolf Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest on her way to her grandma's,when she heard a rustle in the bushes, so she said "Is that you Mr Big Bad Wolf? and she got no answer so she said "It is you Mr Big Bad Wolf 'cos I can see your nose and your big bushy tail"and the wolf pokes his head out and says"Is that you Little Red Riding Hood and are you on your way to grandma's?" "Well will be on your way and I will see you later at grandma's?" "I don't know, why can't a wolf have a wee in peace these days". A Daft One For The Kids Two pools of sick on a street corner and one said to the other "I'm thinking of moving away from here,how about you?"and the other said"Oh I don't know,it's very difficult,after all this is where I was brought up." It Happens All the Time. John goes to a Country Pub for a drink on a sunny afternoon,orders a pint and sits outside.As he is enjoying his pint a Nun comes up to him and says"Don't you know that drink is evil"so John says "How do you know,I didn't think Nuns touched alcohol"and the Nun replies "I don't,my Mother Superior told me""Well" says John, "Why don't I buy you a drink and you can find out,if you don't like it there is no harm done"Oh "said the Nun "I can't be seen outside drinking""Well I will ask for it to be put in a teacup"says John,so he goes inside and orders a pint and a double Vodka and says to the barmaid for the Vodka to be in a teacup and the barmaid said "It's not for that Nun again is it". Repeat Two drunks in a bar were watching the news on the television and the news showed a man threatening to jump off a bridge.One said to the other "I bet you five pound this man jumps"."Your on" says the other man.Just at that the man jumps so the other man hands over the five pound note "No" he said "I can't take your money because I saw what happened on the news earlier"and the other man said "So did I but I didn't think he would be daft enough to do it again". Wait for Me A football match was arranged between flying insects and non flying insects.The referee blew for the match to start and the non flying players said "Hang on Ref we are a player short,so the ref enquired who was missing and the players said "Oh it's the centipede, he's just putting his boots on". It's all in the Shout An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were learning to parachute and it came to their first jump.The instructor said in order to get the adrenaline flowing when you leave the aircraft you shout 'Geronimo'.The Englishman and Scotsman jumped,then it was the turn of the Irishman, so he jumped without a murmur and the instructor closed the door.Just at that there was a knock at the door and it was the Irishman,who said to the instructor "What was the name of that Indian again?". It'th the way I talk Two old men were sitting on a park bench and one was reading a womens magazine.He thumbed through it and came to the underwear page and he turned to his mate and said "Whats a thong?"and his mate says "Are you taking the mickey ath to how I talk,it'th thomething you thing of courthe,ithn't it?". The Minute Hand A chap dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates and he sees all these clocks on the wall.He asks St Peter about them and St Peter explains that if a person has told a lie the minute hand moves.One was at twelve-o-clock and hadn't moved.St Peter said that belonged to Mother Theresa.There was a space on the wall where a clock should have been so the chap asked where the missing clock was and St Peter said "Oh that belonged to the Prime Minister and it is now in God's office as a ceiling fan". The Tide Turns An aithiest was strolling through a forest in Canada, admiring the view and marvelling at the wonders of nature and evalution,when he heard a rustling behind him.He turned round just in time to see a great grizzly bear coming towards him.He started to run away but tripped over a log and the grizzly raised his massive paw, ready to strike, so the athiest shouted "Oh my God" at which there was a bang and a flash of lightning and God's voice rang out"After all this time you now call for me, what have you got to say?"and the athiest said "It's too late for me, I'm an old man but you could make the bear a Catholic and tell him about that commandment, what was it? Thou Shalt Not Kill" "OK" said God, and the bear said "Bless me Father and these thy gifts,for what I'm about to receive,may I be truly thankful, through Jesus Christ Our Lord,Amen. Try This A young Priest was very nervous when it came to hearing his first Confession,so he asked an older Priest to sit in with him and offer advice.The young Priest heard a few Confessions and the older Priest took him to one side and said "I think my son,it would be better if you folded your arms and stroked your chin from time to time and said something like, yes,yes I understand,please carry on but take your time and make an offer of a handkerchief, if the parishioner gets upset" "Ok Father" says the young Priest. "Well" said the older Priest,"Anything must be better than slapping your thigh and saying,never!,ger away!, I don't believe it!, go on!, what happened next?". Thow Shalt Not Steal A burglar was rummaging round a house looking for small items to steal.It was very quiet as he went from room to room.Suddenly he heard a voice which frightened the life out of him.The voice said "Jesus is watching you" "Jesus is watching you".He shone his torch around and spotted a parrot in a cage.He let out a sigh of relief and asked the parrot it's name "Moses"said the parrot."What a stupid name to give a parrot who's idea was that?"and the parrot says"The same people who called the Rottweiler Jesus". Liverpool Wit Two scouse lads working away from home and one said to the other "Er wack er how de ya spell darrel?"and his mate asked why."Cos I'm writing to me mam,please send me a pair of boots darrel fit"and his mate said"Ya daft divi it's not darrel fit,it's wottel fit" Noah's Ark If Noah built his Ark of wood why did he let a pair of woodpeckers on board? It Was Like This Below is a collection of excuses given to Insurance Companies after motoring accidents. Coming home I drove into the wrong drive and collided with a tree I didn't have. I thought the window was down but found out it wasn't when my head went through it. I collided with a stationary car coming the other way. The guy was all over the road before I hit him. I pulled away from the kerb, glanced at my mother-in-law and went over the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole. I had been driving for forty year when I fell asleep and collided with another car. I told the Police I was not injured but found I had a fractured skull when I took my cap off. The indirect cause of the accident was a small guy in a small car, with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road.I was later found in a ditch by a herd of cows. You Can Only Do So Much A terrible storm raged over an area in America and the whole area was flooded.A man took refuge in the upstairs of his house and the flood water kept rising.A boat arrived and the man refused to get in saying "God will save me"and the water continued to rise.Another boat arrived and still the man refused this time from his roof saying "God will save me".Then a helicopter arrived and the man again refused saying "God will save me"so the helicopter went.The flood waters washed over the man and he drowned.Later in Heaven a very annoyed man went up to God and said "Why didn't you save me?,I asked you many times"and God said"Listen I sent two boats and a helicopter for you, what more did you want me to do?". A Second Chance A lady took seriously ill and was rushed to Hospital for an operation and during the operation she had a near death experience.She met God at the pearly gates and said "Is that it then"to which God said "No you have another forty years left in you yet"In the Hospital was a cosmetic surgery department so she decided to have the full treatment.After they had finished she looked a new women but leaving the Hospital she was knocked down by an ambulance.When she arrived in Heaven,she said to God "I thought you said I had another forty years to live"and God said"Sorry I didn't recognize you". It's Too Loud A young lad went for a job as a lumber jack in Canada and the forman gave him a chain saw and said he expected most men to fell six trees in a day.Soon the young lad was hard at work and sweating like mad.At the end of the day the young lad complained that the chain saw wasn't working properly as he had only got half way through one tree.The forman started the chain saw up and the young lad said "Whats that noise". Vanity A chap was in a very bad accident where his face was badly cut.In hospital the Doctor said for him not to worry his face would heal but unfortunately they couldn't save one eye but again the Doctor told him not to worry as most false eyes are like the real thing.The Doctor said he could choose between,glass,plastic or wood.If he chose wood he could choose between oak,ash or beech.The chap thought awhile and said he would like oak.When he got home he was very self concious and never went out.When he did go out he decided to go to a disco where the lights were low.He didn't dance all night till the last dance when he spotted a very plain girl on the other side of the room.He plucked up courage and went over and said to the girl "Would you like to dance"and she said "Oh wouldn't I " so he replied "Well your no oil painting love". A Family Tale The following humorous story was maybe reflected in many Catholic households in the 1920's and has been a source of amusement in my family since I can remember My Mother was perhaps eight or nine in the 1920's and attended St Alphonsus School in North Ormesby.The children would march from their School to St Alphonsus Church nearby for a Solumn High Mass presided over by the current Bishop.During the Mass the Litany of the Saints would be part of the ceremony.Do you remember how it went?-Here is a reminder- Priest's Chant------ Congregation Sante Maria--------- ORA PRO NOBIS (I looked up the spelling) Sante Lucia--------- ORA PRO NOBIS Sante Paule-------- ORA PRO NOBIS Sante Benedicta----- ORA PRO NOBIS and so on. The children would be fitcheting as it goes on a quite some time.One little lad piped up with- Sante Antoni--------OH WIPE YOUR NOSE MISS. What More Can I Do A chap was walking down the street and he came across a penquin,he picked it up and showed the nearest Policeman and the Policeman said he should take it to the Zoo.Next day the Policeman saw the chap again and he still had the penquin.The Policeman said "I thought I told you to take it to the Zoo"and the chap replied "Listen,I took it to the Zoo yesterday, now we are going to the pictures" The Texan Cowboy's Way Of Doing Things The Cowboy's Ten Commandments (1) Jist one God. (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa. (3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'. (4) Git yerself to Sunday meetin'. (5) Put nothin' before God. (6) No foolin' around with another feller's gal. (7) No killin'. (8) Watch yer mouth. (9) Don't take what ain't yers. (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff. It's Not Mine Bob and Ted were working on a building site as joiners, when a joist fell from above and sliced Bob's ear off.He shouted for Ted who stemmed the flow of blood with his hankie and then went in search of Bob's ear.After a frantic search he shouted to Bob that he had found it.Bob looked at the ear and said "That's not mine, mine had a pencil behind it". Taking a Present Three men arrive at the gates of Heaven on Christmas Eve and St Peter asks them if they can produce something that celebrates Christmas on Earth.The first man searches in his pockets and brings out a sprig of Holly.The second man reaches into his pocket and brings out a Christmas Cracker.The third man reaches into his pocket and brings out a pair of tights.St Peter says to him "Whats are they to do with Christmas"and the third man says "They're Carols" The Church Newsletter Please remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. If any of the congregation have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs. Everyone is welcome this Tuesday at 4 PM for an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early This week we invite any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. The topic for our sermon next week will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice. This evening there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. The 2003 Church Retreat will be hell on May 10 and 11. 'Weight Watchers' will meet at 7 PM in the church hall. Please use large double door at the side entrance. There will be a special collection today to pay for eight new Altar robes. These are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan, who are preparing for the girth of their first child. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. That Was Good The Mother Superior of a Convent was very ill and the Doctor gave a prescription to the other Nuns for Medicine to be taken with milk.No matter what they gave the Mother Superior she refused.In desparation one Nun remembered a bottle of Irish Whisky they had been given as a present so she went to the cupboard and poured a generous amount into the glass of milk.The Mother Superior took a small sip,licked her lips and finished the lot.The Nuns asked her how she felt and smiled and with a slurring voice said "DON'T SELL THE COW". During a Thunderstorm Little Michael went to bed as usual but this night was during a Thunderstorm and he was a bit nervous,so when his mam came to tuck him in and say goodnight he said "Mam will you sleep with me tonight?.and his mam said"Now Michael your a big lad now, anyway I have to sleep in Daddy's room" and Michael said "The big sissy". I Only Wanted the Toilet A young couple go to the pictures and find seats in the centre.They settled down but then the lady needed the toilet,so she goes along the row excusing herself till she reaches the last seat and finds a man sprawled all over the seat with his legs over the seat in front."Excuse me"She says and the man says "Just leave me alone"so she called the usherette who asks the man to move"Just leave me alone"says the man again.So the Manager was called and he got the same reply.A policeman was called and he reached into his pocket,pulled out his notebook and a pencil and said "Whats your name?""Just leave me alone"said the man "Where do you come from?"Says the Policeman and the man replies"OFF THE BALCONY" Gone Fishin' A Rabbi, a Priest and a Vicar were all in a boat together fishing. The Vicar said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the Priest says to the Rabbi, "I think I'm going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the Vicar and sits next to him on the shore. The Rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The Vicar says to the Priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?" An Embarrassing Question A little girl went up to her dad and asks"Dad what is sex?,and her dad was a bit embarrassed but thought the time had come to explain about the 'birds and the bees'.After he had stumbled through his explanation he asked his daughter why she wanted to know and his daughter said "Oh it's just that mam said the dinner will be ready in a couple of secs" Things Your Mam Would Never Say "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?" "Yes, I used to skip school a lot, too" "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cosy" "Let me smell that shirt --Yes, it's good for another week" "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, pet.I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day" "Well,if Tommy's mam says it's OK, that's good enough for me." "The grounding is just a general time to go for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here." "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve" "Don't bother wearing a jacket -it's bound to get warmer. I Will Make It Worth Your While A chap had this dog that everyone loved but it got very old and died,so the chap went to his local Priest and asked for a Requiem Mass to be said for him.The Priest said it wasn't the done thing in the Church but suggested he sees the local Vicar who may be able to help.The chap asked the Priest what sort of donation should he offer £1000 or £2000 and the Priest said"I didn't know the dog was Catholic, come this way." You'll Get Fat A little lad had the habit of sucking his thumb.His mam, to try and get him to stop said, if he did not stop he would get very fat.One day a friend of his mam came to visit,who was heavily pregnant and the little lad said "Ah I know what you've been doing" Look What You Get One day a father leaves work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie in the window?" The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for £19.95 Shopping Barbie for £19.95 Beach Barbie £19.95 Disco Barbie for £19.95 Divorced Barbie for £265.95" The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and others only £19.95? The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... Ken's Best Friend" What's Your Name St Peter was at the gates as usual and needed the toilet so he asked God to look after the gate for him.God said he had never done it before and could St Peter give him some tips.St Peter said all you do is ask what their name was and occupation when they were on Earth. The first man to come to the gate was very old and very short sighted.God asked him his name and what he did on Earth.The man said "My name is Joseph and I was carpenter"and God said "Thats funny so was my father".God asked him if he had any family and Joseph said he had a son but he lost him.God asked Joseph what his son was like and Joseph said he had holes in his hands and feet and God said "Is that you dad"and Joseph said "Is that you Panochio" Every Thing is Big There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The barman replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the barman where the toilet was. The barman replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he went through the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and he fell into the pool. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush,please don't flush!" Are You Sure Officer A Policeman came across a man who was drunk and walking with one foot in the gutter and one foot on the kurb so the Policeman said "Good Evening Sir and are we on our way home after a good drink?"and the man said "Is that it, I've had a good drink,thank God for that I thought one leg had shrunk". Its the way you say it A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy said. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Priest said 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.' Just A Little Present Four brothers who were rich and very successful business men met over a drink to decide what they would buy their elderly widowed mother for Christmas. Tom said he would buy his mother a massive mansion. John said he would buy his mother a theatre to seat fifty people and add it to the mansion. Bobby said he would buy his mother a top of the range car to go in the garage of the mansion. George said he had thought of something different but had cost a fortune but he felt his old mother would appreciate a Parrot that could recite the Bible from cover to cover. Months later each received a letter from their mother. Dear Tom, as I am old and feel the cold I only use one room but thanks anyway. Mother. Dear John,seeing as I am very deaf and my eyes are not what they used to be,I have nobody to sit with in the Theatre as all my friends are dead but thanks anyway.Mother. Dear Bobby,I get all my groceries delivered so the car is still in the garage but thanks anyway.Mother Dear George,thankyou son the chicken was delicious. Thanks to Dick Fawcett(Slaggy Island Website) It's Only A Game The Teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack." Well It Was Like This A pirate was talking to a chap in a bar.The chap noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, he had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The chap just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" The chap was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the chap asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was caught in a terrible sand storm after I had invaded a beach". "And whatever happened then asked the chap?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!" Send A Message To God Children's Notes to God A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes the childen handed in. Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday,that was cool. Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you've got?. Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms,thats what our mam did for us. Dear God: If You watch me in Church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole World.There are only four in my family and I am having a hard time loving all of them. Dear God: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on holiday? Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his footballers words in our house? Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?. Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that ok? Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did I'm going to get my brother. Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Dear God: You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways. Dear God: Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. Dear God: My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.They must be kidding aren't they? Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it,so I bet he stole your idea Was It Worth It During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and I will donate £10 million to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a £30 million offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers £45 million,his last offer, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision as the good news first and the bad news next. The good news is... that we have £45 million for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Daily Bread account! Why is English so Complicated What else is strange about the English language? Well, how about the fact that: ...there is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger. ...there is no apple or pine in pineapple. ...English muffins weren't invented in England. ...French fries weren't invented in France. ...sweetmeats are candies and not meat. ...sweetbreads are meats, but aren't sweet. ...quicksand can work slowly. ...boxing rings are square. ...a guinea pig is not from Guinea and is not a pig. ...writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham. ...the plural of tooth is teeth, but the plural of booth isn't beeth. ...its one goose and 2 geese, but not one moose and 2 meese. ...you can make amends but not one amend. ...you comb through annals of history but never a single annal. ...teachers have taught, but preachers have never praught. ...we recite at a play and play at a recital. ...we park on driveways and drive on parkways. ...a house can burn up as it burns down. ...we fill in a form by filling it out. ...an alarm clock "goes off" by going on. ...the human race isn't a race at all. ...we wind up a watch to get it started, but when we wind up an essay, we end it. ...a wise man and a wise guy are opposites. ...overlook and oversee are opposites. ...quite a lot and quite a few are the same. ...vegetarians dine on vegetables, but humanitarians do not dine on humans. Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why is it whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same? Why is it called a "building" when it's already built? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? How can you "draw a blank"? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"? Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? Why are stadium seating areas called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'? Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see it to read it. Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing? Ever notice that PRICE and WORTH mean about the same thing, but priceless and worthless are opposites? Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? Childens Logic A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" Little Children Say the Funniest Things My little grandaughter,who is very good at her Maths and English and can answer the phone and hold a conversation and is into the most sophisticated x-box games, left her school bag in the back of my car, when I picked her up from school.She also left the scruffiest teddy bear you could imagine.She phoned asking if I could drop them off.As I was in a hurry I grabbed her bag and grabbed the teddy bear by the scruff of the neck and met her outside her house.She thanked me for the bag but said quite alarmingly DON'T HURT HIM GRANDAD. Like a Frog A little lad goes up to his Grandad and says "Grandad can you make a sound like a frog?"and the Grandad says no.His little grandaughter comes in and asks the same question, again the Grandad says no, "Why do both of you ask the same question"asks Grandad and the little lad replies,"Well our dad said when our Grandad croaks,we can go to Disneyland". High Rise Accommodation LET US KNOW IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AS BOOKINGS ARE GOING FAST. Dear Family and Friends, I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because I wanted to wait until things were final. I just purchased a one-bedroom unit near Crimdon Dene in Hartlepool, as an investment property. Settlement finally closed last week. I thought that I would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the great location. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, I will be handling bookings until I can find an agent. Weekends will cost about £50 for three nights and £100 for the week. These prices are low because they are for family and friends. Prices will be a bit different for people I don't know, but we can discuss that on an individual basis. In any case, it's a one-bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the sea, nestled among lush greens, and has a lovely sea view from every window! Let me know if you're interested .. See photo below. Mammy's Little Helper It was late at night and Alison, who was expecting her second child,was at home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katie. When Alison started to go into labour, she called the Midwife.This was during a power cut and when the Midwife came she asked Katie to hold her torch.Shortly after little baby Connor was born and the Midwife held him up and smacked his bottom till he yelled.Later she asked Katie what she thought of seeing her brother born and she said "He should not of been hiding in there he needs another smack". Only Us!! A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet when you pass room 8". Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish" "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions,but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?", St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they are the only ones here". A Word In Your Ear A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in the tramp's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American. After speaking with the tramp, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear.. "I thought I told you yesterday not to come here dressed like that my son". The Pope spoke to the tramp next and said"Nice suit shame about the smell". She Didn't Get All Her Own Way Fed up with the way the bride invariably steals the show at her own wedding, the University at which Rob Tombes works carried in its news weekly its own unbiased account of his recent marriage here to Mary: Mr Robert Tombes, son of Dr.and Mrs.George S. Tombes of Cambridge became the bridegroom of Miss Mary Elizabeth Robinson today at Cambridge's RC Church Church of St Michael's Mr. Tombes was attended by his brother Thomas H Tombes as best man. As the groom approached the altar all eyes of the Congregation were on him. Blushing handsomely, he replied to the questions of the Priest in low but firm tones. He was charmingly clad in a 3-piece suit consisting of jacket,waistcoat and trousers. The jacket, of some dark material, was draped handsomely about the shoulders and tastefully gathered under the arms. A touching story was current among the guests that the jacket was the one worn by his father and grandfather on their wedding days. Mr. Tombes would neither affirm nor deny the truth of this sentimental touch. The waistcoat was sleeveless and met in the front. It was gracefully fashioned with pockets and at the back was held together by a strap and buckle of the same material. The groom's trousers were of some dark material, and were suspended from the waist, falling in a straight line almost to the floor.One could just make out his socks which were red,revealing just the artistic glimpse of black leather,laced expertly with laces of the same colour. The effect was rather chic.It must be noted however that when the bride and groom knelt down the price tags on the bridegrooms shoes were clearly visable Beneath the waistcoat the groom wore blue braces attached to the trousers fore and aft and passing in a graceful curve over each shoulder. His neck was encircled with a collar in white, and around the collar a cravat was loosely knotted so that it rode up under his left ear with a studied effect of carelessness which marks supreme artistry in dress. The best man's costume was essentially the same as the groom's, and as the two stood at the altar, a hush of awed admiration enveloped the congregation. As the new Mrs Tombes led the groom from the nuptials, it was noted that she wore the conventional white dress and carried a bouquet of red roses. Wrong Sign A Priest and a Vicar from the local churches were standing by the side of the road,each had a placard which read: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tyres and a big splash. The Vicar turns to the Priest and asks, "Do you think the signs should just say 'Bridge Out!!','Watch Out!!' Ladies Aerobic Class I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over. Rock n Roll Once a young woman married a very wealthy man and they were very happy together until after ten years he died leaving her a wealthy widow. Still being young after her husband had been dead a few years, she met an actor,they married and saw many West End Shows,many starring her second husband and they travelled a great deal.After they had been married about seven years he too died,so that was two husbands she had buried leaving her more richer. Still being a young woman of about 40, she began going to church. She met their new Vicar, fell in love and married him.It was only after a few years he too died so that was three husbands she'd buried. Again still being a desirable woman she met a wonderful man,who was a mortition,after five years she took ill and died. Some people said she married-------- 1 for the money,... 2 for the show,... 3 to get ready... Then Go Go Go. Well You Did Ask A husband invited his boss and wife to dinner. At the table,his wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say Grace?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear me say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did we invite these people to dinner, I can't stand them?". Listen To What God Tells You God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then, using God's great gifts, Satan created creamcakes and Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said, "Yes Please," and Woman said, "and another one with hundreds and thousands." And they gained 10-20 pounds. And God created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Women went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented beefburgurs and garlic bread on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chips so big it needed its own plate. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to get up to change the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created the £1 cheeseburger. Then he said, "You want chips with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! and make them big." And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Yes Kimosavi The Lone Ranger and Tonto were enjoying a drink at the bar when a cowboy come running in and said "Who's horse is out yonder"and the Lone Ranger enquired as to whether it was a white stallion.The cowboy said it was and that it had been run very hard and was sweating like mad.Sure enough 'Silver' was outside and seemed most uncomfortable.The Lone Ranger asked Tonto to fetch a blanket from his horse and while running round 'Silver', was to waft the blanket to cool the horse down."Yes Kimosavi"said Tonto and the Lone Ranger went back to his drink.Shortly after another cowboy come running in enquiring as to who the white horse outside belonged to.The Lone Ranger asked the cowboy what was wrong and the cowboy said"Nothen but you've left your injun running" The Gentleman Cowboy Roy Rogers was the 'Gentleman Cowboy' who never shot anyone in anger but would quell any trouble with a word and a song. The story goes that he was riding across the plain in one of his films and singing while playing his guitar "Ride Along,Ride Along It's a beautiful day to ride across these plains---. A posse rode up to him at full gallop and said "Roy,your house has been burnt down,your cattle rustled and your wife and children kidnapped what are you going to do?" "I'm going to whup them critters but first of all, all these good folk have come to see my movie so I'm going to finish my song, Ride Along, Ride Along". Dad's Getting Mad A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You've had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to give you what for!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you race up the stairs to give me you know what, can you bring me a drink of water?" A New Hospital Wing A panel of Doctors and Medical Staff at a local Hospital were asked to vote on adding a new wing.Their responses were - The Allergists voted to scratch it. The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" The Pediatricians said, "Grow up." The Psychiatrists thought it was madness. The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Radiologists could see right through it. The Pharmacist thought it was a hard pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesthatists thought the whole idea was a gas. And the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. The NHS wouldn't fund it anyway,so the idea was dropped. Boasting A group of lads went on a pub crawl and decided later to go to the zoo. When they came to the Elephant house one decided to do a streak so he took all his clothes off and ran past.One Elephant saw him and started laughing and said " HA, HA,YOU CALL THAT A TRUNK" and lifting his trunk high in the air said "THATS A TRUNK MATE, HOW DO YOU DRINK THROUGH THAT?" The Little People Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior. "Well, how can I help you little people?" asked Mother Superior. The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any leprechaun nuns here at the convent?" "No," says Mother Superior, "I don't have any leprechaun nuns here at the convent" "All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland then?" "No, No," replied Mother Superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also leprechauns in all of Ireland at all." "Well then Mother Superior,of all the nuns,in the whole world,would you be knowing,then,of any leprechaun nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no leprechaun nuns in the whole of the world!" replied Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about?". The first leprechaun turned sadly to the second leprechaun and said "See,its as I told you all along, you've been dating a penquin. I'm not that Dumb A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy woman' in a well to do neighbourhood She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realise the porch goes all round the house".The man replies "She should do she was standing in it,do you think she dumb?"No" said the wife "I'm just suspicious when these type come to the door" A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied,and I had that much paint left, I gave it another coat" Impressed the man reached into his pocket and handed her £50."Thanks" said the blonde, "Oh and by the way it's not a Porch it's a Farrari" In Old Money Two ladies talking over the garden wall-- Your BOB owes our BOB a BOB and if your BOB dosn't give our BOB the BOB he owes, our BOB is going to give your BOB a BOB in the eye. Bob = 5 new pence. Out of the Mouths of Babes The Teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.She asked the class- "If you went into your Dad's trouser pockets hanging over a chair while he was asleep, looking for money,what would God call you?" One little lad piped up- "Our Mam Miss" After All That Time A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years,the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar,tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the barman shaking his head in disbelief,the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,shocked,begs his son to drink again.The patrons chant"Take another drink"! The barman still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop!Two arms pops out!The bar goes wild. The father,crying and wailing,begs his son to drink again.The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The barman ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy,and with his new hands he reaches down,grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop!Two legs pop out.The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right....right through the front door,into the street where a lorry runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The barman sighs and says..."He should have quit while he was a head!" Thanks to Dominic(eldest son)in Australia for that one. It's Only Once a Year At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!" More For The Kids Question- Why are birds good at business? Answer- Because they always succeed. A man with a glass eye was waiting at the bus stop and when the bus came he took out his glass eye and threw it in the air. One little lad asked him why he had done that and the man said he was checking if there were any seats upstairs. A Teacher was asking her class what their dads do and one little lad said his dad works in a Circus.He went on to explain his dad throws hammers in the air and catches them in his teeth.The Teacher asked the lad if his dad did this for a living and the little lad said "No Miss he is an amateur" Not Dressed Right A man on a camel rode through miles of sun drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low, when his camel died. Now on foot he desperately sought refuge from the scorching heat,and most importantly a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a stall in the middle of the desert. "Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me, I'm in dire need of water!" "Well," said the stall holder, "I don't have any water but would you like to buy one of these fine ties? What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked. "That's what I'm selling sir and if you don't like it,then I can't help you. The man left the stall and walked on for many more miles,praying each mile that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. Squinting his eyes he thought he saw in the distance a restaurant. It must be a mirage he thought but he decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door,his mouth opened in amazement,seeing that the restaurant was real! The doorman stopped him as he tried to enter. "Excuse me sir but you can't come in here without a tie." Last Resting Place Robin Hood knew he didn't have long to go in this life,so he called his merry men to him and asked them to bring his bow and arrow.He then asked them to open all the windows,then said,"Where ever my arrow lands is where I want to be laid to rest".He took aim and fired his arrow and tomorrow they bury hin -on top of the wardrobe. Bliss A Cat in Heaven One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets God Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to Heaven. Again, God is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending are the best!" I Did It Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces his Curate to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his Parish.On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church! Watching all this from the heavens, St Peter leans over to God and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one! Astonished, St. Peter looks at God and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?" God smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?" Well I Did Ask Ducking into confession with a turkey under his arm, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?" "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to the Presbytery. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey. It's Not What I Meant A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theatre to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size." A Mans Life Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a swimming baths. You can wear NO shirt to a swimming baths. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another garage toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £500. Suit Rental- £50 People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A seven-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £4.50 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your stomach usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. It's How You Say It An English soldier,an Irish soldier and a Scottish soldier were up before a firing squad for desertion,The English soldier shouted 'Earthquake'and the firing squad all turned round to see what was happening and the English soldier ran off.The Scottish soldier seeing this shouted 'Tornado' and again the firing squad turned round and the Scottish soldier ran off and the Irish soldier seeing this shouted 'Fire' It's Like This Officer Two Policemen were watching traffic speeding along a motorway when they spotted a car being driven erratically and at speed.They pulled alongside and the Policeman in the passenger seat wound his window down.He could not believe his eyes,when he saw a woman knitting while she was driving.He shouted across "PULLOVER" and the woman shouted back "NO SCARF". Women Always Have the Answer A chap went to a psychiatrist and explained he was having nightmares because he thought someone was hiding under his bed.The psychiatrist suggested a course of treatment."How much will it cost and how many?" asked the chap."Oh I would think ten sessions at £50 each"explained the psychiatrist.The chap went home to talk to his wife and she said"Listen there's £7 go and get a saw,saw the legs off then nobody can hide under the bed". Now You See Her Now You Don't An elderly couple who lived on a homestead out in the country in the USA took their grandson into the big City,on a shopping trip.The grandma went to look at some clothes while the grandad and grandson stood looking at this silver wall."What's that grandad?"asked the little boy "I ain't no idea son" replied the grandad.Just then the silver walls parted to reveal a little room and a very elderly lady with a walking stick hobbled into this room and the silver walls closed.The little lad noticed a little red light at the side showing a number that kept going up,then coming down.Just at that the silver walls parted again and a beautiful blonde lady came out and the grandad said "QUICK SON GO AND GET YOUR GRANDMA". Don't Look Up Epitaph on a Headstone-Here layeth a man who looked up to see if the lift was coming-it was. Who Are You Tonight? Stars In Their Eyes A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?' 'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident'. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.' 'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew. 'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?' Scroll down... Keep going this is great.... It's worth it honest..... 'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle' How Much Red Tape? In the year 2006 , the Lord again came to Noah, who was now living in Eastleigh , England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. "Build another Ark and as before save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rains, that will last for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his garden - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rains! Where is the Ark ?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should obtain planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure but then the roof is too high. We had to make an appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision". The Local Area Access Group complained that my planned ramp was going to be too steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a fiscal bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, in order to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the brown-'TrainSpot' owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood so as to save the owls and other vwild life - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me and took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals into that confined space. Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team . The trades unions say I can't use my sons as I must hire and use only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with many endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. " Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world this time?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it." It's Like This Officer A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman.Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,but fortunately we are unhurt "This must be a sign,from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police . . . " MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Another For the Kids Two snowmen were in a back garden and one said to the other "Can you smell carrots" and the other said "No but can you see through the small holes in these buttons?".The first one said "No but I think we are melting here. it's that warm don't you think?,I'm sweltering in this muffler and daft hat,the kids have just left us to our own devices, while they go and fight with snowballs". That's What I Would Do. A young student Priest decided he needed to get closer to people in order that he would be better at dealing with their problems.He decided to join the Police.He passed the medical and went for an interview.They asked him how he would deal with an angry mob and the student replied "Pass round a collection plate". The Glow Worm I wish I was a Glow Worm. A Glow Worm's never glum. Cos how can you be grumpy, When the light shines out of your bum. It did not last long A Manager of a large firm attended a meeting with two of his most junior ataff at another office.On the way back they stumbled on an oil lamp.They rubbed it and a genie popped out and said each one could have one wish.One of the juniors pushed himself forward and said "I am first because I spotted the lamp" and he said he would like to go to Hawaii and soak up the sun with beautiful girls.Puff he was gone.The next junior said as she was the one who rubbed the lamp she would like to go to Hollywood and meet her favourite film star.Puff she was gone.The Manager was asked for his wish and he said "I want them back in my office in two minutes". Who Are You Then A chap was driving down this road when he collided with another car.The driver of the other car got out of his car very angry.The chap realised he was a dwarf and the dwarf said "I am not happy" and the chap said "Which one are you then?" Dates in the Calendar An Englishman,a Scotsman and an Irishman were stood at the bar enjoying a drink and the conversation got round to names of their sons.The Englishman said he named his son after the Patron Saint of England, St George because he was born on the Saints birthday.The Scotsman said he named his son after the Patron Saint of Scotland,St Andrew because he too was born on their Saints birthday and the Irishman said "I had better not tell our Pancake" Grandma's Letter Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I called into my local Christian bookshop and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus'bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly happy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.Boy am I glad I did because a very uplifting experience followed.I was stopped at an interchange waiting for the red light to change and I was lost in the good word of the Lord and I did not notice the light had changed.It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus otherwise I would not of noticed.I found lots of people love Jesus. Everyone started honking.I even honked my horn a few times to share our love of Jesus.Another man waved just one finger in the air and your brother in the back said it was an Hawaiian greeting so naturally I returned the complement.I could see people raising their fist and shouting Hallalua which I thought was nice.Seeing the Lord at work on the streets was wonderful.I noticed people walking towards the car and I thought maybe they wanted to pray but it was at this time I noticed the light had changed.I felt really sorry for all the good people back there because I was the only one to cross at the interchange before the light changed. Your Loving Grandma See you in the Bar Two dogs a father and son were walking past a bar in Mid West America.One of the dogs the son only had three legs.The father invited the son for a drink but the son said he had some shopping to do but would meet him later.When he went into the bar the barman asked him what he wanted and the dog said "I'VE COME FOR MY PAW" It's Like This Doc A chap who was known to be a miser went to the Doctors and complained he was having trouble with his ears,nose and bowels.The Doctor gave him a good examination and pulled out all these fifty pound notes.He said to the chap "Thats been your trouble,you've been bunged up."How much is there Doc?"asks the chap."One Thousand Nine Hundred and Ninety Five Pound"said the Doctor."I thought I was'nt feeling too grand"said the chap. Important Notice Sign in the local cemetery. Please Note-The Council operate a one way traffic system- After all theis time ONE OF THE BEST! At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have A weekly husband's marriage Seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was Approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!" The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her." The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on apiece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she wouldfind it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wakeup." Er Waiter A couple ask for a menu in a Chinese Resteraunt and one item was a surprise package.They both ordered that and when it was delivered it was in two tureens.The wife lifted the lid very carefully and looked inside.She spotted two eyes staring back at her,her husband did the same and sure enough he seen two eyes staring back.They called the waiter over and he had a look and said "Oh you both have Peking Duck" Not the sort of present- Two lads having a drink in the pub on Boxing Day were discussing what they bought their wives for Christmas.One lad said his wife wasn't very happy because he bought her a belt and a bag and he said to his mate "How did I know she had just bought a Dyson" Bless this Shop A greengrocer opened a new shop and wanted it blessed by the local priest.When the priest came he said " Lettuce Pray" Look and what do you see? Two student Priests decided to go camping during their holidays.They pitched their tent in a field snuggled into their sleeping bags and went to sleep.One woke during the night and woke the other and said,"Open your eyes and tell me what you can see" the other student said "I can see the galaxy's,millions of stars and it is such a beautiful sight""And what does that tell us?"said the other student."Well it tells us just how wonderful God is and what a magnificent job he did in creating the Universe""Do you know what it tells me?"said the other student,"That we've had our tent pinched" Pardon Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time you let the Catholics across Incognito Two Priests decided to go on holiday but decided they wanted to disgard their dog collar and dark clothing and let their hair down without anyone knowing they were clergy,so they bought the full range of flowery shirts and Bermuda shorts and settled down on the beach.Just near them a beautiful blonde in a very small bikini started waving at them.They did not wave back but later she walked past and said "Hello Father,Hello Father".This went on for two days until they had to say something.On the third day they said to the girl,"Excuse me but how do you know who we are?"and she replied "I'm Sister Catherine" Tommy Cooper Jokes Met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it- I thought, "That's Aboriginal." This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent." I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen Beetle with no driver. Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got China in my hand." I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End' I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?" My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down. I phoned the local ramblers club today, The bloke who answered just went on and on. The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything" I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road. I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man"? He said, "He's not your type." I said "Well can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow" Two aerials got married today. The wedding itself was rubbish but reception was great! Two goldfish are in a tank. 1st one says "Do you know how to drive this" Was God Short Tongued? A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making extra money where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local Catholic Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" Your Time Will Come AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ! Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the drive, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I took from the letterbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, And notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the postbox Which is just across the road When I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, And see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, But first I need to push the Coke aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, A vase of flowers on the worktop Catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the worktop and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The car isn't washed The bills aren't paid There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, And I'll try to get some help for it, But first I'll check my e-mail.... Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! Old Folk SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! HEARING AIDS BAND AIDS ROLL AIDS WALKING AIDS MEDICAL AIDS GOVERNMENT AIDS MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS A Little Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Doctor how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the Doctor, 'we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No' said the Doctor, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' Try This on a Friend Ask them to pronounce these names after you have spelt out each letter fast. M-A-C-D-U-F F M-A-C-A-B-E M-A-C-B-E-T-H M-A-C-H-I-N-E (Do it yourself.I am not telling you the anawer but I will bet you will say the same thing) And the next hymn is--------- A Salvation Army meeting had a special guest preacher who was known to be a firebrand.He started as he meant to go on by saying all forms of alcohol should be banned.He shouted "IF YOU HAVE WINES AND SPIRITS IN YOUR HOME,TAKE THEM AND CAST THEM IN THE RIVER.IF YOU HAVE BEER IN YOUR HOME TAKE THEM AND CAST THEM IN THE RIVER AND REPENT"By the time he sat down he was shouting and sweating profusely.A lady with a tambourine stood up and said."THANKYOU AND NOW OUR NEXT HYMN WILL BE, 'SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER'?". No Thanks Vincent Van Geogh was standing having a drink at the bar when his mate came in and said "Do you fancy a drink Van" and Van Geogh said"No thanks I have got one here" It's all in a name Two men were talking in a pub ad one said to the other."I have just become a dad again"and the other chap said "Congratulations and what have you called the baby""Tuesday" replied the father. "That's a stupid name isn't it, how come you chose that name?" "Well the wife said after the last one she was going to call it a day" The're Not Good For You But-------- The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE.God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip biscuits. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'. Well You Did Ask-------- The children had all been photographed, and the Teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Now come on children just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a Lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a Doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the Teacher, she's dead.' He Looks Like This The Teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The Teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' I'll Tell Your Ma A woman used to come and pray every morning in a big church in Manchester. One day two workmen were on a platform way above her fixing the ceiling. One of them called down "This is the Lord" but the woman kept on fingering her rosary and praying. The workman thought she must be deaf and shouted twice as loud "This is the Lord." But she never looked up and kept praying. The third time the whole of Manchester heard him shout "This is the Lord." Without even looking up, she said "Can't you keep quiet, I am talking to your mother." Crazy Gate "Hey Son go and find your mam and ask her where the big hammer is" This gate was the finished article in Ibiza Red, Amber, Green A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?" Once a Mother---------- Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mam." It's Like This Ossifer An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the p