Further Threat To Tchyebelenda Cheese

After our recently reported successful mission to Tchyebelenda to save the continuing reproduction of the Tchyelbelenda Brown-fur Tail-less goat (the only source of milk for our beloved Tchyebelenda cheese), Wolsingham Cheese club is very disturbed to have to report a new threat to the species. Our friends in Tchyebelenda have sent disturbing news that although Gunther’s donation has been well used, and the herd is thriving, the ancient unique grazing grounds themselves are under threat.

Dalesfolk will no doubt be appalled to learn that the very future of the goats, the cheese and the great traditions of Tchyebelenda are in danger of extinction by the actions of the nomadic Yule tribe. It is little known that although the Yules have a tradition of travelling, the reality is that they remain in the stronghold city of Moonkii-hanga (slogan: “Whair pairpell pairspex is the wairlds mairst pairfek wairkin sairfairce”), from which they make damaging forays into neighbouring states under the guise of building (under their nomadic tradition) separate settlements, which they then quickly abandon to other incomers in exchange for filthy lucre. In this way, the Yules become rich at the expense of the states and countries they despoil.

Our Tchyebelendan friends have told us that they have heard that the Yules now want to build not only the biggest new settlement ever in Tchyebelenda, but they want to do it on the hallowed grazing grounds of the Goat, which in Tchyebelendan law has special protection status. However, it is known that this has not stopped the Yules achieving their aims in other places, and there is a real danger that the same could happen in Tchyebelenda.

We are told that the Yules are wilely in achieving their desires. First of all they declare a “season of the Yule” where they do lots to make people feel happy, whilst persuading them how good their plans will be. This is followed by the “Yule-tide”, when they appear, and a flood of gifts and promises are made (Note we understand that in the ancient Yule tradition, these were tokens such as holly-wreaths and logs, but now there is talk that family-holidays, school fees, golf-days, cash-backs, legal-fees, together with promises of industrial estates which will provide much wealth, are on offer).

Our contacts are extremely worried, because even though the population of Tchyebelenda said in the great poll of 2004 that they did not want any more houses, the last vestiges of the communist system, based at the brutalist pagoda across the great divide may give the Yules the authority to go ahead whatever the people of Tchyebelenda may want.

Our friends have therefore asked if we can raise international support for our mutual cause. They advise that the grazing grounds could be saved if everybody could write to the pagoda apparatchiks using their own particular weird language (known as “Material Planning Matters”). Similarly, it is felt that even though the great fighting warrior Toojaggs is very busy in the Southern Lands, if everybody copies their letters to him, the international pressure may persuade him to come north and stop the Pagoda from allowing the Yules to get away with it.

We have placed an example of a letter on our web-site www.wolsinghamcheeseclub.co.uk in the strange language for all of our friends in Weardale to use.

Tom Desavoy, ( WCC Planning Officer )