The Buzzard
Picture Gallery
Before They Were Morris
Folky Frolicks
CDs
Archive: Meet the Morris
Archive: Features
Cry Havoc: A History
Dancing for Charity
Archive: Before They Were Morris
Where are we?
Archive: Fantasy Morris
Archive: Folky Frolicks
Archive: Clerihews
Cry Havoc on Video
Contact Us
Links for Cry Havoc
Guestbook
Event Calendar
|
Archive: Folky Limericks
Said Tony to Ed, ‘I advise
It’s your knob where the shortcoming lies’
But now a subtle twist
And a flick of the wrist
Gives a buzz that indeed satisfies.
(E)
Some reckon the gurdy is funky;
Some think it's a fiddle gone wonky;
But one common idea
I repudiate here -
I've a gurdy: I don't have a monkey.
(E)
All you gurdyers your noise now be hushin'
This warnin' to take when wheel pushin':
When gurdin' your loins
Be protectin' your groins
With a strapping, thick pants, and soft cushion!
(E)
Dr Madison said with a sigh
‘You’ve got hurdy-gurdyist’s thigh;
You’ll play us no more tunes
For the gurd-wheel of fortune
Has turned, and your end it is nigh.’
(E)
A young gurdyist should be told:
When in action, don't be too bold,
Or you may sustain
Anatomical strain
Which will put your performance on hold.
(B)
The usual position's a pain;
my thighs have begun to complain
'If you keep on, you'll rue it'
so I'll stand up to do it
(hope the ankles can handle the strain).
(B)
Hurdy Gurdy! said Ed. I'll have that!
You twiddle this end of it (drat)*
and the bits in the middle
will sound like a fiddle
or somebody strangling a cat.
*(knob falls off)
(Barbara)
Said Ed, ‘Oh the grief from my gurdy!
The knob was all wobbly,’ averred he,
‘And everyone laughed
To see my bent shaft –
But now it is rigid and sturdy!’
(Ed)
An apprentice upon the bouzouki,
Convinced that her chords were all fluky
Upended the beast
And stood on it; ‘At least
I can use it for surfing at Newquay.’
(Jackie)
I once had a girlfriend called Sukey:
she had a great hairy Saluki,
a terrible scar
on her je ne sais quoi
and a bloody great pair of bouzoukis.
(Barbara)
Your Gurdy, I think you will find
has a knob on one end you can wind.
Ignore the old saying
that solitary playing
can make young musicians go blind.
(B)
At one end of the gurdy's a handle
A thing you can lovingly fondle
The ensuing vibration
Is a source of elation
To some, but to others, a scandal.
(E)
A thing like a bloody great fiddle
He straps to himself round the middle;
Then watch people run
As the thing starts to hum
When the chap gives the handle a twiddle!
(B)
For a portable drum, nothing can
beat a typical Irish bodhran.
It conveniently sits
between bicep and ... blouse
(unless the musician's a man).
(B)
The bodhran is a neat little drum
You can play it with beater or thumb
You can rinse it in Guinness
For that true Irish finesse
And bang till your listeners go numb
(E)
A morris musician named Ed
used to practice the fiddle in bed
till his wife cried 'hey, you,
it's a quarter past two –
just practice some shuteye instead!'
I played my new whistle in bed;
A sound that should waken the dead.
But my wife (little bore)
Does nothing but snore –
I’ll take up the bagpipes instead.
Pronouncing a word that is foreign
Is a stressful event, as in 'bodhran';
Any woman or man
May call it 'bodhran'
And set all the Irish folk glowerin'
A bodhran is a help to a fella;
in rain, it's a useful umbrella;
and also it's topping
for carrying shopping
or fetching up beer from the cellar.
In a playful or amorous mood?
Try playing your box in the nude.
(Be careful: the bellows
can trap parts of fellows
that suddenly start to protrude.)
If you're squeezing with Bess or with Tess
And you come to a state of undress
And you're feeling quite bold
The secret (I'm told)
Is knowing which buttons to press
A learner bouzoukist named Payne
took her instrument North on the train
the cabin was neat
for bouzouki and Pete
but she had to sleep in the corridor. (Hmm.)
(B)
So keen was this musical rookie
That in bed she would play the bouzouki
She'd lie there and twang
Till the cats came and sang
And put her husband right off any thought of sleeping.
(E)
There once was a sketch on TV's
Monty Python show, all about cheese;
The background bouzouki
Was decidedly spooky
And upset the bloke played by John Cleese!
(E)
When aiming for maximum zing
A black ribbed Jim Dunlop’s the thing
A packet of three
Will bring giggles of glee
From your cittern or mandolin string
(B)
My cittern was wrested from me
On safari, by two chimpanzees;
A felonious fellow
Stole my mandocello
When I was at Burnham on Sea.
(B)
Your guide to the folk violin:
You stick it here, under your chin
You scrape it with hair
Plucked from a grey mare
And make a cacophonous din
An emperor of Rome, name of Nero
Didn't like it when girls called him 'Zero'
So he spread paraffin
And played violin
And said, 'That'll teach 'em to jeer-o!'
A middle-aged fiddler from Bray
Kept his baldness quite hidden away
Till one night, in a jig
Someone's bow caught his wig
And there was the devil toupee!
Madam, please unhand my french horn!
Such forward behaviour I scorn;
if you don't take your mitts
off my tubular bits
you will wish you had never been born.
'Why is your recorder so lean-o?'
'Come off it, that's my sopranino.
It's not kind to hoot
at the size of my flute
and besides, I am only sixteen-o'.
A comb player angrily swore:
Although I have Andrex galore
no musical prize'll
be mine without Izal,
you can't get the stuff any more.
A paper and comb playing parson
cried 'gosh but this Andrex is tarsome
it's making me seethe
how it sticks in my teeth -
it's fit only for wiping your arse on'.
‘You first give these bellows a squeeze
Then your fingers run over the keys;
And that’ said Ron
‘Is the accordeon;
It’s as simple as that – just add cheese.’
(E)
If you want to perfect the melodeon
You will need all the powers of Obiwan
The push-me-pull-you
Is designed to fool you
Which is why I will not even go near one
(E)
If a squeezable tune should engage yer,
for strumming along, you can wager
it's certain to be
in Em, D
or the hoi polloi's key of G major.
(B)
Frankenstein was an organ sensation
(With the aid of electrification)
And Dracula was known
To take a virginal home
Any time he required stimulation.
(E)
Dear Barbara, upon your harmonium
Please play me a ditty by Boney M
For if you do
Then I will write you
A long sycophantic encomium
(E)
You should never confuse the harmonium
With the instrument misnamed ‘euphonium’
The one is discreet
With dulcet tones sweet
The other creates pandemonium
(E)
I went to a Haddenham ceilidh
and galloped about pretty geilidh
till I caught my wife Sue
doing right-and-left-through
out the back with that bounder Bill Beilidh.
(B)
The music class won't let me sing;
so they gave me this triangle thing,
and told me to wait
for bar 678
then give one pianissimo 'ting'.
(B)
There was a young man from Caracas
Who could startle you with his maracas
He could shake them all day
In a sensuous way
And his cha-cha-cha drove the girls crackers!
(E)
When I was a young hippy's dream, man,
I followed a wild tambourine man,
but one jangle morning
without any warning
he was nowhere at all to be seen, man.
(B)
Said my musical lover Orlando
'As you see I have taken a stand-o,
but if you call the tune
till the late afternoon
you may notice a slight rallentando'.
(B)
Said Ed, all distracted and blue,
'my band have gone down with the flu;
I've the instruments (nine)
but at any one time
the most I can manage is two'.
(B)
Said the fiddler, 'My fiddlestick, cuss it,
Has caught in and damaged my gusset!'
Said the doctor, 'I fear
That with such a great tear
Our only recourse is to truss it!'
(E)
'Come on, make that old fiddle sing!
What are you waiting for, Spring?'
The fiddler said 'no,
but I've shampooed my bow
and with it I can't do a thing.'
(B)
Said St Peter 'A harp? That'll do;
I don't mind a fiddle or two;
but spare me, I beg,
the rattly egg,
the accordion and the kazoo!'.
(B)
Off we go, it's in G, 3-4 time
(I must try not to get left behind)
now to D - I mean C -
I mean D - maybe G -
sod it, just wave the plectrum and mime!
(B)
While practising Lannigan's Ball
I muse: was it large? Was it small?
Was Lannigan blue
That he didn't have two?
Was he happy to have one at all?
(B)
'Tell her I am' is a fine Irish tune;
Tell her I'm what? Sure, I need to know soon!
Am I skint? Maybe queer?
Or just off for a beer?
Or about to play a fine Irish tune
Called 'Tell her I am' ...?
(E)
Tell her I am ... Robin Hood?
On the train? On the pull? Being good?
Playing strip polo?
Napoleon Solo?
One of the Babes in the Wood?
In the sun? In the nude? In rude health?
On the turn? On the run? On the shelf?
Driving an artic?
Scott of the Antarctic?
Too busy to tell her myself?
(B)
Rodney's Glory all men's did excell
But don't trust all the stories they tell;
For here's the thing:
Old Rodney was King
Of the Fairies whenever night fell.
(E)
There are thousands of angels round 'ere
all harping and singing 'gloreeeea' -
since that angelic boffin
said what's in the offing
it's like bloody Choirboy of the Year.
(B)
These days, seems my bells just won't jingle
the way they did when I was single
and my old one-horse sleigh
Has elected to stray
For a new tingle down in the dingle
(B/E)
I can't get this sleigh off the roof
I'll give it another try - oof!
No let's face it, it's stuck!
Just my bloody luck -
marooned on a semi in Duluth
(B/E)
From great slabs of maple it's hewn
It's struck with a thing like a spoon
The dulcimer's great -
But I hope you can wait
For it takes half a lifetime to tune!
(E)
Bar bought a bouzouki one day;
took it home in the usual way;
but when at her leisure
she inspected her treasure
'it's gone pear-shaped!' she cried in dismay
(B)
(Commemorating Ed’s winning a pair of percussive instruments in a raffle:)
One night at the Plough I recall,
when the session turned into a brawl,
some whale-shaped maracas
shot straight past my ... navel
and embedded themselves in the wall.
(B)
(Barbara likes to make full use of luggage space:)
When you're off to the Peaks or the Lakes
a commodious gig-bag will take
your acoustic guitar
and your knickers and bra
and the tent and the Kendal Mint Cake.
(B)
(Packing up after dancing at the Bunkfest, Ed and Jackie found themselves in the middle of a thunderstorm and close to a mobile phone mast:)
Said our morris musician 'I'll dash
for the car, as the lightning goes flash!'
and later we found
in a heap on the ground
some strings and some bells and some ash.
(B)
I'll admit I've a thing about lightning:
I find it (quite reasonably) frightening;
You can keep Kant and Burke -
I've read some of their work,
But no thanks - my sublimes don't need heightening.
(E)
We thought, as John played and we danced,
that his profile was greatly enhanced;
but alas and alack,
'twas a waterproof mack
that he'd stowed down the front of his pants.
(The aforesaid voluminous mack
he took out as the weather grew black
and the thing was so big
we did two sets of Rigs
underneath, at the front and the back.)
+++++
I'm the biz, I'm the kid, I'm head honcho,
in my sexy black waterproof poncho;
and the jiggling about
I would like to point out
is my squeezebox and not my fat paunch-o.
(All by B)
+++++
Not all box players, however, are as accomplished as our John. Here are a few limericks celebrating, if that's the word, an evening at a local pub session. (Please note: this is just one limited but insistent individual who happened to play a squeezebox, and has never been seen again! In no way are these limericks meant as a comment on all box players. It could just as easily have been a fiddler...)
The Accordion Player From Hell
brings torments that no tongue can tell:
by all he's despised
but can be exorcized
with candle, with book, and with bell
(E)
They call him the Satan of Squeeze;
with his fingers poised over the keys
he's ready to jump in
with bellows a-pumpin'
and bring any sesh to its knees.
(B)
The Grumpy Old Git's teeth did grind:
'Learn to play the thing, if you don't mind!'
But the Box Demon played
Entirely undismayed
One tone above, one beat behind.
(E)
When changing guitar strings, beware
The string ends are sharp, so take care:
Though romantic it may be
To bleed on your baby
Does it constitute fair wear and tear?
(E)
Bell-ringing is all about fractions
And a solid but subtle wrist action
And if you don’t concentrate
When ringing down eight
You’re liable to end up in traction!
(E)
The bowed psaltery (no flattery!)
Has the sound of an oversexed cattery;
But pile it on thick -
Make it electric -
And you'd surely have a psalt-and-battery.
(E)
Attempting the didgeridoo
Is hard work when you haven't a clue;
But imagine the joys
When you manage the noise
Of an elephant going to the loo!
(E)
Walter Bulwer's a tricky old fart;
with his Tune No. Two you should start;
and Tune One, he reckoned,
should always come second -
that's if you can tell them apart.
(B)
|
Archive: Reduced Folksongs
She said her old man was away
I thought twice, but still said OK
But some maid spilled the beans
And a grave now that means
for Matt Groves and his young lady gay.
(E: Matty Groves)
A great pot of Ale he has taken
to drink with his taters and bacon.
The man in this ballad
has no use for salad
or water, unless I'm mistaken.
(B: Good Ale)
We set off to sail round the Pole;
The sea froze within sight of our goal;
My wife's quite upset
But they've not found us yet;
We could be in a bit of a hole.
(J: Lord Franklin)
I met a girl not long ago;
I asked her to wed; she said no.
Then she jumped off the top
of the cliff and fell plop
in the shrimps and the seaweed below.
(B: The Constant Lovers)
In the Famine, our Michael said 'Maybe
If I steal corn we'll happy and gay be.'
The attempt was a failure,
He's gone to Australia,
And left me here holding the baby.
(J: The Fields of Athenry)
Been abroad, but I'm now back at base
The pub landlady, she's on my case
Though I've made me a mint
Sure, I'll tell her I'm skint
Just to see the prize look on her face.
(Ed: The Wild Rover)
I've half-inched this sheep for me tea;
who'll come waltzing matilda with me?
I'll camp by the -stop!
sod it, here comes a cop -
but I'll jump in the billabong (wheee!)
(Barbara: Waltzing Matilda)
You fancied me just yesterday
But now you are going away.
While you're off at the war
Shall I howl? Shall I roar?
What the hell! I shall try being gay.
(Jackie: Our Captain Cried All Hands)
The git shot me, and now stands accused:
His defence is he just got confused -
Says he thought me a swan -
Is he having me on?
Send him down - does he think I'm amused?
(E; Polly Vaughan)
I shall hang from the high gallows tree -
I'm right in the prickly, me,
and the family, I note,
have just come to gloat -
thank God, here comes t'wife with t'fee.
(B; Prickly Bush)
He tried to get into my bed
By offering diamonds instead
But he'll stay off my pillow
I'd rather wear willow
Than watch as my waist starts to spread.
(J; All Around My Hat)
She was prob'ly called Nancy, this filly:
She told us she loved Constant Billy;
So the morris song says
And a good job it was
That for once the guy's name wasn't Willy.
(E)
It's true that the folk songs arrange
for all lads to be Willy. How strange.
It would be a neat trick
if a few were called Dick
or John Thomas, just for a change.
(B)
She gave me this weird shopping list,
Said these items were not to be missed:
Leather sickle, peppercorn ...
Where d'y get a lamb's horn??
Scarborough Fair?? She's got to be p...erceptively challenged.
(E)
Young Edwin was part of the crew
For a trip to the Lowlands or two,
But his love's mum and dad
Chopped up the poor lad
And she went round the bend (as you do).
(J)
'So you married the carpenter? Choose
To stay with him or come on a cruise.'
When she found she was datin'
Some colleague of Satan
It was rather too late to refuse.
(J)
In Belfast I met a girl (curses)
who showed me the way to nick purses.*
Never fall for their wiles
if they've fancy hair styles.
(Why does this take seventeen verses?)
*Actually it was a watch.
(B: Black Velvet Band)
My sister, she thinks she's God's gift
(Can't deny there's a bit of a rift);
She fell in the river -
Twas a slight push I give 'er -
And to the miller's dam she did drift.
The miller was into his tucker:
She called to him, pleading for succour;
But the miller's my bud,
Pushed her back in the flood;
Now she's drowned, the smug bitch, so why should I care?
(E: Two Sisters)
I was once Eleanor, but now Seamus*
The servingmen’s flower most famous
I’ve got socks in me breeches
(You don’t know how that itches)
But it’s all our mam’s fault, please don’t blame us.
My husband she slew – what a bind –
And then on my children she dined
And didn’t give twopence
But she’ll get her come-uppance –
All we need is a talkative hind.
*(Irish version)
(E: Famous Flower of Serving Men)
Hi Joanie, the bloke said; I say,
do you fancy a roll in the hay?
As he loosened his clothing
I eyed him with loathing,
nicked his pony and galloped away.
(B: Lovely Joan)
The river's too big for a swim
We could do with a boat, me and him;
But it'll be a dead loss, as
All men are such tossers;
Your oak turns to reed on a whim.
(J: The Water is Wide)
My husband is seventy three;
that's fifty years older than me.
I can still hear him snore
as I'm off out the door
to find me a toy boy, tee hee!
(B: Never Wed an Old Man)
My sweetheart tripped over a duck
And fell in the stream - just my luck!
All comfort was cold
Till her sister consoled;
Life is tragic, but Cupid just struck.
(J: Clementine)
They're serving us pig's head and greens
brought in by the Steward of Queen's
in velvet and satin.
- the rest is in Latin,
so God only knows what it means.
(B: The Boar's Head Carol)
If your brothers lack income, turn pirate
(Just purchase a cannon and fire it);
Then some lofty tall ships
Will make no further trips
And you've cash in hand when you require it.
(J: Henry Martin)
'Please kiss me or I shall drop dead.'
'You can stuff that, young William,' she said.
But when she saw his cold corse
She was filled with remorse.
Now the roses grow over her head.
(J: Barbara Allen)
She told me her life was a sham,
For my money she gave not a damn,
Buggered off with some fellows -
Seven gypsies (all yellow) -
And left me here pushing this pram.
(E: Seven Yellow Gypsies)
I'm generally known as Long Lankin;
On her husband being out I was bankin'.
With the nurse and a knife
I slew baby and wife,
Now a noose round my neck they are yankin'.
(J: Long Lankin)
To win the countess I'd a ruse,
Made her husband and courtiers all snooze
As, bewitching, I fiddled:
But my young servant diddled
Me cunningly out of my dues.
(E: Jack Orion)
All night in his arms I had lain
But the Irish lad would not remain.
‘You can sit down and cry,
But until fishes fly
I shall not be round this way again.’
(J: Blackwater Side)
I've come out to look for some nuts;
Your voice through my reverie cuts;
We lie down on your plough -
That was then, this is now:
And I watch as my abdomen juts.
(J: The Nutting Girl)
Said the practical Nell, 'Now Jack, dear,
if you ring the bell, Mother will hear.
From my room to the ground
a string I'll hang down,
and you'll pull. (Do I make myself clear?)'
(B: Pull the String)
If a bloke you don't know comes to say
he's your lover who once sailed away,
don't fall for this ruse
till he can produce
half a ring. If he does, say OK.
(B: generic)
The Master of Raby he said:
in the snowdrifts my sheep are all dead!
You left them to flounder
you negligent bounders
all the time I lay sick in my bed!
(B: The Master of Raby)
'Hi, stranger, my cow I've mislaid.'
'Let's look for it down in yon glade.'
Although the search failed
The next day she hailed
Him again: 'My cow seems to have strayed.'
(J: Spotted Cow)
Six days on the booze for each maid,
But the landlord now wants to be paid;
They'll argue and bicker
For the bill's forty nicker
And their maidenheads they have mislaid.
(E: Drunken Maidens)
The mean streets of Dublin were home
to the fishmonger Molly Malone,
till to her surprise
she ups and she dies -
now her ghost does the round on its own.
(B: Molly Malone)
In the week before Easter I met her:
She says that she's found someone better;
They've gone to the vicar,
I should have been quicker;
In the grave I shall try and forget her.
(J: The Week before Easter)
Oh lassie, your time it is nearing;
Do you mind how we met in that clearing
To my threats you did yield
We lay down in the field
Now you'll not be much use at the shearing.
(J: The Shearing's not for You)
Ellen Vannin, an Isle of Man ship
Set sail at command of her skip
Though the seas they were rough
These Manxmen are tough –
Though I fear twas a foreshortened trip.
(E: Ellen Vannin)
A veil hid her face from my sight
As I drove to Lamorna that night
I unveiled her for kisses
And found ’twas the missus –
Now I’m in the doghouse all right
(B: Way down to Lamorna)
Their homeland is pitted and bare,
there's no work and no money to spare.
Of mines there are dozens
for Jacks and their cousins
in New Brunswick, the Cape or elsewhere.
(B: Cousin Jack))
All the skirt-hoops and stays, couldn't hack it;
so I sailed as a man on a packet,
and nobody guessed
till a lily-white breast
popped out from my matelot's jacket.
(B: William Taylor)
'Galway Bay? Sure, she's not worth a buck!'
But I'll trust to an Irishman's luck:
Now the horse of my dreams
Has just triumphed, it seems,
And the bookie has shouted out 'Fine judgement, sir!'
(E: Galway Farmer)
Oh, sympathize please with my plight!
I am willing to plough day and night!
Your wife’s full of pity;
Your daughter’s quite pretty;
It looks like my prospects are bright.
(J: The Farmer’s Boy)
Oh what’s that incredible sound?
There’s no ’oss but the wheels still go round!
He’s really terrific
That Mr Trevithic
going up Camborne Hill coming down.
(B: Camborne Hill)
We're here to say 'Wassail!' to you;
What the word means we haven't a clue;
But this boisterous crowd
Will shout often, and loud
Till you give us some money to shoo.
(E: Here We Come A-Wassailing)
Said Mary to Joseph one day
'Now pluck me a cherry, I pray'
Said old Joe, in a flap
'That's a job for the chap
That got you in the family way!'
(E: The Cherry Tree Carol)
King Wenceslas - what a great bloke!
Distributing largesse to folk;
And when up to his knees in
Cold snow he was freezin',
Thanks to Wencie, his Page didn't croak.
(E: Good King Wenceslas)
'Delivery! - partridge for Miss;
pear tree; five gold rings; and all this
miscellaneous crap
from some love-smitten chap
Too embarrassed to sign with a kiss.'
(B/E: The Twelve Days of Christmas)
|
Deflationary Songs
The sheep’s in the meadow, the cow’s in the corn;
That daft bloody sheepdog’s asleep on the lawn.
(J)
In a cavern in a canyon excavating for a mine
By the EU regulations, three-day week for Clementine
(J)
If I had another penny, I would have another gill;
If I had another shilling, I could get quite seriously ill.
(E)
Oh the January man he walks the road in woollen coat and boots of leather
This is not the time of year for chaps to venture out of doors in the altogether.
(B)
Through bushes and through briars I lately made my way
When I catch that bloody gardener there will be hell to pay (B)
A holiday, a holiday, and the first one of the year:
I'll stay in bed till lunchtime and then drink a lot of beer.
(B)
The water is wide, I cannot cross o'er;
Can I get a plumber at half past four?
(E)
Are you going to Scarborough fair?
Don’t touch the candyfloss, it gets in your hair
(J)
Don't mind the rain or the rolling sea
as long as I'm watching them on TV
(P)
The water is wide, I cannot cross o'er;
Now I'll never know if that girl's a goer.
(E)
Where has tha' bin since I saw thee?
-- Doing time at t'pleasure of 'er majesty.
(E)
Twas homeward bound one night on the deep
I amused myself by counting sheep.
(J)
I am a sailor brisk and bold, long time I've ploughed the ocean,
I still feel seasick every time the bloody ship's in motion.
(B)
Now I forbid you maidens all that wear gold in your hair
To go about thus uninsured; just stick a ribbon there.
(J)
Three Eynsham lads came out one day;
Put on their mum's dresses and said they were gay.
(J/E)
There were three men came out of the West:
Their mother said 'Pack your thermal vest!'
(J)
As I went unto my love's chamber window, where I had often been before
I heard a cry of 'Gardeloo!' and knew trouble was in store.
(E)
As I roved by the dockside one evening so fair
The ferry came in from Boulogne-sur-Mer
(J)
As I walked down the Broadway one evening in July
I went into a theatre and saw The King And I.
(J)
Courting is a pleasure between my love and I
But a threesome’s much more interesting, so come on, don’t be shy
(E)
From France we do get brandy, from Jamaica it's rum,
But sticks of rock with lettering in from Ilfracombe come.
(B)
My bonny lies over the ocean, my bonny lies over the sea
A passing shark punctured his lilo, and sent him to eternity.
(E)
I was going to mass last Sunday when my true love passed me by
as on the nice new curate she clapped her rovin' eye
(B)
Oh the trees they do grow high and the leaves they do grow green
And of course the bloody loppers are nowhere to be seen
(E)
I keep my dogs and my ferrets too,
some scruffy old hens, a cow, and you.
(B)
There were seven yellow gypsies all in a row ...
But Beckham bent it round 'em, one-nil(-o).
(E)
I know my love by his way of walking:
That bandy reel caused by endless porking!
(E)
All things are quite silent, each mortal at rest
Then my husband comes out of the pub singing 'Fifteen men on a dead man's
chest'.
(J)
I wonder what is keeping my true love this night?
If it's that blonde barmaid, I shall go round and start a fight.
(B)
Slow down, you move too fast
That was a speed camera you just passed
(J)
Something in the way she moves
Suggests a forked tail and cloven hooves
(E)
Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
So I assume you won’t be wanting that last scone.
(J)
Desmond has a barrow in the marketplace
When he wants to impress the girls, a Porsche takes its place
(E)
The first time ever I saw your face
I was reminded of haddock, or possibly plaice.
(E)
Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Sewing this bloody wedding dress is driving me round the bend
(J)
She would never say where she came from
But the judge informed me she was my mom
(E)
Oh you are a mucky kid
Please stop squirting the ink from that squid
(E)
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Then I bought a telly on Ebay
(E)
When you're weary, feeling small
You can be sure your friends are all having a ball
(E)
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
But the train isn't coming - wrong kind of snow
(J)
They seek him here, they seek him there
All because he stole their underwear
(E)
My sweet lord, oh my lord
(Any more of this I shall soon get bored)
(E)
There is a young cowboy, he lives on the range
(a cowboy on a golf course is a little bit strange)
(E)
Well I'm runnin' down the road tryin' to loosen my load -
So far I've flattened three frogs and a toad
(E)
When I was younger, so much younger than today
Bitter was 20p a pint, and boy could I stick it away!
(E)
It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
(Memo: look not upon the fish when it's fried!)
(E)
In the early morning rain
I wait for the bus, and curse and complain.
(E)
Deck the hall with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tis the season to spend lots of lolly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dashing through the snow
(The cold makes you want to go)
On Christmas night all Christian sing
The rest wait for the peace that morning will bring
God rest you merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay
Not even that dodgy telly you bought upon Ebay
The boar’s head in hand bear I
- Who said they’d rather have shepherd’s pie?
I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day
But no buses, trains, or taxis, to my dismay, to my dismay
I can see clearly now, the rain has gone:
Old England, of course, are following on.
(E)
Don't go changing to try and please me:
Having a bath is the least you can do to appease me.
(E)
When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand
Unless you've insurance we won't understand.
(E)
Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair:
He should wear a hat when painting the stair.
(E)
It's a lesson too late for the learning:
You've got to have lots of practice at gurning.(E)
Take the ribbon from your hair
You look like a girl's blouse, I declare
(E)
She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes;
If you date a vampire, it's hardly a surprise
(E)
I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Especially when the thrush is on my trail
(J)
Hello darkness my old friend
Your lightbulb I have come to mend
(E)
When I find myself in times of trouble
I go to the bar and order a double
(J)
And as Paul Macartney might have said:
When I get older, losing my hair
At least I'll still be a millionaire
(E)
Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you
Then I’ll pass you a tissue
(J)
Many’s the time I’ve been mistaken, and many times confused;
But now I’ve got a non-Japanese manual, the hi-fi’s getting used.
(J)
How many roads must a man walk down?
Not more than he walks up, or he’ll eventually drown.
(J)
There is a house in New Orleans;
Actually, there are several, according to estate agents’ magazines
(J)
I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
But his insistence on retuning after every verse was a bit of a trial
(J)
In the town where I was born
Night was generally followed by morn.
(J)
I’m sitting in the railway station
In hope but not much expectation.
(J)
I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
But his insistence on retuning after every verse was a bit of a trial
In the town where I was born
Night was generally followed by morn.
I’m sitting in the railway station
In hope but not much expectation.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound –
Perhaps as sweet as six ounces of sugar or maybe even half a pound.
You fill up my senses like a night in the forest –
I keep tripping over roots and the occasional tourist.
Daniel is travelling tonight on a plane
Though by the time he gets through the check-in his interest may wane.
Bows and flows of angel hair
macaroni, lasagne and even spaghetti hoops are not rare.
In my mind I’m going to Carolina
But the conductor said, ‘What do you think this is, an ocean liner?’
I am just a poor boy, though my story’s seldom told
If you don’t count Oliver Twist, Treasure Island, and that boy whose goose laid eggs made of gold.
Well I would not give you false hope:
There’s no loo paper, though they do have soap.
Get up in the morning, slaving for bread
But the toaster’s burnt the toast, think I’ll go back to bed.
Ferry ’cross the Mersey
Better wear a jersey
Well we come on the sloop John B
Put our feet up and had a cup of tea.
Oh yeh I'll tell you something I think you'll understand
Providing you have Swahili at your command
Buy you a diamond ring my friend
If you have 200 quid to lend
Got a good reason for taking the easy way out -
It's easier than the hard way, of that there is no doubt
You say yes, I say no
Homer Simpson he say 'Doh!'
Obladi, oh bladder
Sleep goes on – Bah!
There’s no way the sleep goes on!
Uptown girl
Makes me hurl
Holding back the years
But certainly not the beers
The times are tough now, just getting tougher
But Bruce Springsteen still makes us suffer
The problem's all inside your head she said to me
The dancing pink elephants aren't part of reality
Deck the hall with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tis the season to spend lots of lolly
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dashing through the snow
(The cold makes you want to go)
On Christmas night all Christians sing
The rest wait for the peace that morning will bring
God rest you merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay
Not even that dodgy telly you bought upon Ebay
The boar’s head in hand bear I
- Who said they’d rather have shepherd’s pie?
I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day
But no buses, trains, or taxis, to my dismay, to my dismay
|
Morris Rhyming Slang
We offer here some alternatives to Cockney rhyming slang, using the names of morris and folk tunes. The tunes referred to are listed at the bottom. You can make your own mind up as to what the rhymes are.
He's gone for a Banks.
He fell down and skinned his Buttered Peas.
Whatever takes your William
A bitter Banbury to swallow
He’s got a nasty Princess on his bum
Banks of the Dee; Buttered Peas; William and Nancy; Banbury Bill; Princess Royal
He's gone out the back for a Black Joke.
Sometimes I still find singing at the folk club a bit Highland Mary.
Somebody kicked him in the Harper's ...
You’ve spilt custard all down your Cuckoo’s
One more drink and I’ll be completely Hey Diddled
Black Joke, Highland Mary, Harper's Frolic, Cuckoo's Nest, Hey Diddle Diss
Weather’s been rather Brighton Camp today.
You can't do that! It's against the Balance!
I’ve got a feeling in my Sweet Jenny
No Bean in the pool!
Brighton Camp; Balance the Straw; Sweet Jenny Jones; Bean Setting
|
|
