THE OFFICIAL UNION STREET F.C./DAM 04 NEWSLETTER

Or: It's a C***'s Game. Volume 1 ***************** THE STARS OF THE SHOW Rich Adams Four perfect goals, two headers, two penalties, hit the bar – Street's player of the tournament, despite farting more than a badger with IBS and dancing like Bez. Altogether now: 'Get it wide! Heads on Street!' Ben Beaumont A c***. An aggressive, poetry-writing poof. Keith Birnie Also a c***. Tall, ginger idiot with a funny beard. Responsible for defensive artistry, comedy penalties, comedy shouting ("TALK TO ME! SHUT IT!") and the most (a)rousing acceptance speech ever. James Burn A wet weekend for Mr Burn, despite the sunshine. Took drunkenness to new levels on Friday night, no doubt dizzy with the £8 luggage saving. Recovered well and ran around all weekend, like a long-distance minty badger. Alex Cobham Manager of the tournament. Still won't play the very talented Beaumont up front, mind. Highlight: second most perfect penalty of all time. Lowlight: that bouncing chip versus Dynamo Windrad. Why didn't he just smack it, eh? Andy Davies The Welsh Beckham - the best crosser of the ball at the tournament.Tireless runner and probably the nicest man in the world for saying Windrad's third goal wasn't Keith's fault. Somehow managed to burn just his hands. Mark Ginsburg Behatted and bespectacled tour guide. When he wasn't getting lost in Erotic World, looking at quaint churches, drowning in Schnapps or arguing with his sat nav, he found the time to score the most perfect penalty of all time. Bravo. 'Fan' Giuseppe Smiling, drunken, goalkeeping colossus. Penalty shoot-out hero, continually baffled at our attempts to speak to him as though he understood English. Barman of the tournament, too. Jim Griffiths The eternal enigma. Always there, but you never know where he goes or where he's been. Great tap in, and marvellous forward play with Birnie. Likes a cold shower, but can you guess his age? Paul Harrington Our Argentinian winger-dynamo-legend. Faster than a sprinting badger, and somehow managed to get on the same flight as the rest of the team this time. Danny Kavanagh Young, smiling, goalkeeping colossus and team style-guru. Combined THE save of the tournament against Grasshoppers with the nous to ensure that Giuseppe was in goal for the penalties. Don't leave us Danny! Lorenzo Great beard, great goal, great man. Indulged in a spot of a gay-flicking masterclass with Cobham at one stage, but otherwise an impeccable debut for the Street. Stuart Mozley "STUUUUUUUUUU'S!" "HERE THEY COME!" Union Street's Mr Reliable, cool under pressure and bald as you like. At least one table buckled under the pressure of Stuart's presence. Comedy map-reading and worrying jelly baby addiction, however. Neil Murphy Kiss (skinny, hairy) Murphy all week. Image of the weekend: Street racing towards a bemused Murphy after he'd scored the winning penalty against Deportivo. Happy days. Disappointing early departure, though. Gem de Silva Ran around like a minty badger on speed. Belied his years with a combination of manic forward play and even more manic drinking and dancing. ***************** TOP 10 GERMANS OF THE WEEKEND 1. Fabien That hair cut. Those sun glasses. The stylish wing-play. The friendliest man on the planet. Street through-and-through, we salute you crazy-haired-German-guy. 2. Steffen As we English people say, Steffen you are The Man. Managed to organise a festival of football whilst entirely off his bonce on booze. Had a tear in his eye as Keith made his speech. 3. Boris Truly, the most insane and drunk man ever. Didn't kick a ball once, or make an ounce of sense all weekend. Mad drunken poetry moment from Boris' friend on Sunday night too. 4. The professor/scientist/grooverider Oh, those tight white shorts. Those little white legs. Those little white socks. And the funniest little ferret face you're ever likely to see. Genius. 5. Ugmo Unfortunately-faced midfield dynamo for Karo Oldenburg. Was the brunt of our vicious British humour, until we realised he was actually quite a nice bloke. 6. Wolker Nice chap who made a point of talking to the drunken English guys on Saturday night. Still beat his team, though. 7. The Dude Drunk, mad, hairy, over-friendly and, unquestionably, incredibly cool. Enjoyed a C***-er Bier or two on Monday. Respect the Dude. 8. The Tramp Drunk, mad, hairy, slept in a hedge. Ever-so-slightly frightening, so of course Keith offered him a space in our (admittedly cavernous) tent. 9. Roland The Camp Knight of Fritzlar. His tennis-ball knob frightened all but the most fearless of foes. 10. The rest of the Grasshoppers One of whom said that we had made this year's tournament 'more special'. We found our kindred spirits, lets hope we can get them over to Oxford. ***************** SONGS OF THE WEEKEND 1. 'DEEEEE-NAAAAAH-MO, DEEE-NAAH-MO, DEEEEE-NAAAAAAAAH-MO.' 2. 'Hail! Hail! The Celts are here, what the hell do we care?' (Even though only three of us know the words) 3. 'We are the Union, my friend, and we'll keep on fighting, til the end.' 4. 'We are the world, we are the Union.' 5. 'Football's Coming Home' (repeat ad nauseum) 6. 'Giu-seppe, woooo-ah-oh, Giu-seppe, woooo-ah-oh!' 7. 'Hop! Hop! Hop!' 8. 'You'll never walk alone.' 9. 'Wir! Wollen! Nach! Oxford fahren, Wir wollen nach Oxford fahren.' 10. 'Come on Oxford! Come on Oxford!' ***************** HAIL! HAIL! Hail! Hail! The Celts are here! What the hell do we care, What the hell do we care? Hail! Hail! The Celts are here! What the hell do we care now? For it's a Grand Old Team to play for, For it's a Grand Old team to see! And if you know the history, It's enough to make your heart go Oh-Oh-Oh-OH! We don't care what the people say, What the hell do we care? For we only know that there's going to be a show, And the Union Strasse will be there! ***************** BADGER OF THE WEEKEND Maria from The Hurricane ***************** THE RESULTS Saturday: Grasshoppers Wasserturm Osnabruck W 2-0 (Cobham, Adams) Roter Stern Bremen L 0-1 Dynamo Windrad Kassel L 1-3 (Lorenzo) Deportivo Dagmar Drewes Celle D 2-2 (Adams 2) (Union Street won 8-7 on penalties) Sunday: Karo Oldenburg W 1-0 (Adams) Hollywoods begnadigte Korper Oldenburg D 1-1 (Griffiths) (Union Street won 5-4 on penalties) Vibrator Moskovskaya Bremen L 0-2 FINISHED: 18TH ***************** OTHER OVERHEARD SNIPPETS OF THE WEEKEND Saturday morning 1 am James (eyes rolling, arms outstretched): 'Ben. You're a homo.' Ben: 'F*** off James.' 'Adrian is still a c***.' 'The Mighty Hoops Aus Oxford.' 'I bet he's been to Camden.' 'I'd like to present to you - my sister.' 'F*** the cuckoo.' 'I love you, but you're boring.' 'A slow drive through small places.' 'I feel like a charlatan.' 'Do an illegal U-turn, now.' ***************** AND REMEMBER. Football? It's a c***'s game. *****************