der Mann in heraus gegraben DAM diary 2005

The DAM HEROES Richard Adams Stool-dancer extraordinaire, the crowd loved white-trousered, Hard-House Tarmac. After too much Weizen on Friday, Adams was second only to 'Fluid Pants' Beaumont in the smelly guff stakes. Likes a bit of Hustler. Looked lovely in Keith's golden Stevie Wonder hair-piece, too. Craig Bartlett A memorable first DAM for old snore-bags, not least because he got so pissed he invited 400 Germans to Oxford next year. The trip was only a few hours old when Jailbird had his obligatory run-in with the Law. Alas, his attempts at pulling ancient German birds foundered at the hands of the Sunshine Bus Twins. Just don't ask him to take a penalty. Ben Beaumont Smelt foul. Committed too many fouls. Looked resplendent in his shooting jacket. Convinced Craig of the wisdom of putting on the next DAM, and then meekly hid away for the rest of the night. Almost killed himself falling off a stool and getting trampled on by Birnie, resulting in horrific bruising. Likes haddock pasties. Keith Birnie Our wonderful chairman. Marked out his territory on at least two occasions, though thankfully he didn't get his blot (or is it fleisch?) penis out in front of Kosmos Ost. Was in inspired footballing form, scoring goals for Street and Dynamo Windrad, as well as a comedy penalty against the girls. Hilarious drunken banjo playing on Friday night. Grumpy in the afternoons, though. James Burn The Ever-Ready Sunshine Bus Twin # 1. Drank so much booze it's hard to fathom how his tent stayed dry this year, but dry it was. As ever, there was the Burner money-saving airport-moment, and he was not entirely blameless in the Linz-airport-detour catastrophe. You'll find him wearing his gay white shoes for many months to come. Chris Clarke Another inspired DAM virgin. Got trashed every night, wore a stupid waist coat, nipped down the wing with a jaunty swagger, had a funny turn in goal and showed Messrs Burn, Bartlett and co how to hold their drink. Shame he kept banging on about West Ham. Nice driving, though. Alex Cobham Bearded, suited, free-kick taking, fair-play legend. Spent most of the weekend moaning about Michael Owen and the English, and blocking his ears during renditions of Football's Coming Home. Thankfully, 'Flower of Scotland' didn't get an airing. Inspired clothing artwork moment on Monday morning. Took on the Germans at table football. And lost. Andy Davies The Welsh Booze Dude, could easily drink any of us under the table and still run around like a man possessed the next day. Played so much football his leg gave up on him in the last game, but was still the man in the dugout's player of the tournament. Well played, that lovely Welsh man. Gem De Silva Goalkeeper of the tournament (apart from the opening minute against Sohne der Mutter, perhaps). Certainly better than that weird-faced Betong Union monger with the gold alice band. Did a sterling job in goal for the Grasshoppers, and his potty-mouthed rant after Red Star hit the post was both moving and hilarious. Likes a Camberwell Carrot or two. Matt Fry Our very own German Camping Translator Dude, Matt was the revelation of the tournament. Though he looked like an East German going for a job interview at a cement works, he still found time to fly the aeroplane home and use his linguistic lover-man talents on the entire Kosmos Ost team. Mark Ginsberg What more can you say about the Great Poncho Prat? Worth a place in the team purely on his ability to wind Keith up a treat. Contributed a large part to the first in a new TV series: When Hungover Journeys Go Wrong. Bored Alex witless, took us on an rubbish detour, lost his bag, left his lights on in Stansted and probably lost Keith's banjo too. Redeemed by his great refereeing, appetite for tourism and goalkeeping antics against Kosmos Ost. Paul Harrington The Argentinian Lothario and Sunshine Bus Twin # 2. Never waned in his pursuit of the fair Mädchens, you certainly couldn't fault Paul for effort. Also a dark horse when it came to necking beer and mushroom combos. Lovely silver sideburns, too. Pete Hart Our very own bicycling, orange-shorted hero. Flicked Cobham's cross into the Red Star net for what must surely be Street's most undeserved victory ever. Put his all in to every game, and must've terrified those lovely Kosmos Ost girls with his heavy breathing. Jan Holloway Arrived late, but slotted in to DAM like a well-practised German penalty. Despite Keith almost killing him with a brutal blow to the ear, Jan was inspired in his frilly shirt and all round gorgeous-manliness. Must've been buggered senseless by Birnie. Alas, he lost to Boris in the big c*ck-fight of Saturday night, but still - we salute you, lovely Moped dude. Stuart Mozley Bald-as-you-like, funny wig-wearing, Teeside-talking, cheese-dodging bugle legend! Stuart's defending was as smooth as his bonce, and why wouldn't it be? The rock upon which Street's every move depends. Martin Scarfe Fresh from being stalked around the globe by a rampant Richard Adams, old Scarfey had the wisdom of the world and the ages coursing through his veins (not to mention some hallucinogenic love funghi). A wise head on old shoulders, you might say. ******************* The Alternative Deustche Alternativ Meisterschaft Champions 2005 1. Kosmos Ost (Ja, naturlich! But why wouldn't they be champions?) 2. Pelmke All Stars Hagen (Multi-ball!) 3. Dynamo Windrad (For their alcoholic consumption) 4. Grasshoppers Wasserturn Osnabruck (For crazy-haired smiles and putting Gem in goal) 5. Sohne der Mutter (For the almighty Henning alone) ******************* The DAM 2005 Top of the Pops 1. Que Sera Sera - Steffen, The Dude and others, Friday night shouting version 2. Yellow Submarine - The Thursday Night German sing-along megamix 3. Meet The Gang - The Friday Night Street Mumblers 4. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaga-doo-doo-doo - Keith and Ben Celebrity Screaming Match 5. Que Sera Sera - Monday Morning Blues Mix 6. Midnight Love - Driving to Linz Mix 7. You'll Never Walk Alone - Kosmos Ost Soul Singers 8. Que Sera Sera - Fat Café Owner Accordion Blues 9. Wir Voll Nach Oxford Fahren - The What-Have-We-Done Sunday Night Crooners 10. Meet The Gang - Knackered Saturday Afternoon Run-around And Fall Over Mix. ******************* Songs we could quite happily never hear again 1. Football's coming home 2. Be-tong! Un-ion! Be-tong! Un-ion! 3. Que Sera Sera ******************* Results - Union Street 1 - 0 Rote Star Bremen [Peter Hart] - Union Street 0 - 0 Party Sahne Kassel - Union Street 0 - 0 Some German Team In Black T-shirts - Union Street 1 - 1 Sohne der Mutter [Richard Adams] [Lost embarrassingly on penalties] - Union Street 1 - 0 Dynamo Windrad [err, Birnie?] - Union Street 0 - 1 Some Team With Weird Flamey T-shirts That Took Themselves Too Seriously - Union Street 4 - 8 Pelmke All Stars [err, Mozley, Birnie, Davies, Harrington] - Union Street 2 - 2 Kosmos Ost [Christ Knows Who Scored, think it might have been Rich Adams, but who cares?] ******************* The verdict Street were unfortunate to finish third in their group, but at least they had that moment to saviour against Red Star. After the far-too-serious group-games, played on the biggest pitch in Germany, it was all a whole lot of fun. And Street's game was transformed when they switched to the underused 2, 3, 5 formation, with Ginsberg, Birnie and Burn up front. It's a tactic that would surely work against the likes of Beckley and Donnington, don't you think? Great goals for Birnie too - let's start him in the holding-striker role next year. ******************* Italian-German of the weekend Aldo! Aldo! What a legend, what a man, what a nonchalant uber-dude! Innovation of the weekend Multi-ball! Would have been a fairer way to decide the Doug Hobbs Cup Final, don't you think? Lightweight of the weekend The Dude. Worse than Burner for alcoholic incapacity. Yet always knew exactly when to fall over - when there was someone behind to catch him. Punch up of the weekend Red Star versus Party Sahne. Handbags! Great thing about Germans Their love for standing on bar furniture - inspired. Rubbish thing about Germans They prefer table football to dancing. Outfit of the weekend Bartlett in the lucky pants. What a lovely cock. Best new name for the Street Birnie & Co Worst new name for the Street Oxford United River of the weekend The Danube. Beautiful, baby. ******************* Beautiful Random Street Night Out Thursday night - lovely pizza; tidy waitress; Aldo takes us to some beer place; Bartlett and Burn bore us to tears with some rubbish beer-mat-tossing game; we stumble across the Filmbuhne; dance like loons to funky tunes; play table football with Germans who really ought to play less table football; sing yellow submarine; meet some German who takes us to another bar til 5 am; talk to big-armed Germans and nice dudes called Philip; stumble home at daybreak. Genius! ******************* Overheard "But of course I'm OK, why wouldn't I be?" "I bet you 5 Euros James has a fleisch penis." "Don't you practise penalties?" "Multi-baaaaaaaaaaaaaall!" "I ain't gettin' on no airplane, fool" "Wie wir Deutsche zusagen flegen." "Shit, Jan, I'm sorry. Is your ear OK?" ******************* And remember Of course we're doing the DAM next year. I mean, why wouldn't we?