Man in the Dugout reports 2000-01
New kit launched
Fixtures 2000 - 01
Your prayers please
Your Prayers Answered
Club Badge
Awards - Yes, we did win one!
2001 - 2002 - A Street Odyssey Continues
Fixtures 2001-02
Could this Be The Year? Reports 2002-03
2002-03 Fixtures and Results
Support Our Sponsors
2003-04: European Union
2003-04: Results, Fixtures
Roma Therapy
The Greatest Football Tournament in the World
2004-2005: Attack of the Minty Badgers
Street's New Training Regime
Meet the team!
Union Street's festive picture gallery!
The Union Street Awards 2004/05!
der Mann in heraus gegraben DAM diary 2005
2005-06: When badgers learn to fly
Street Talk
Knee-Jerk Reaction: Ben's Countdown to Germany 2006
Bolz WM Gonzo Diary
Pre-Seasonal Tension
2006-07: MInty Badgers Save the World
Plumbing new depths
Direkt Von Dem Dugout - Koln 2007
Union Street Awards: Season 2006 - 2007
2007-08: For a Few Seasons More
Message Board
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Street Talk
 | Welcome to Street Talk - the latest in a veritable conveyor-belt of Communigate exclusives. You ask the questions - your favourite Street stars provide the answers. Beautiful, babe.
To ask a question - or to nominate a hooped hero - just e-mail maninthedugout@hotmail.co.uk. |
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Keith Birnie
 | First up is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking Tom Waits-a-like, Keith 'Yr Chairman' Birnie. Und ja, why wouldn't it be? Keith is best known for terrifying opponents with his rabble-rousing shower-singing, confusing Germans with his banjo-playing and pissing in centre circles. Without further ado, here are your questions for the lanky, ginger nobber.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Any more than a fleeting glimpse, and ye'd be dead or mad.
What is your greatest fear?
Lost with nothing and no-one, apart from Jeremy Clarkson.
Which living person do you most admire?
The ones that know that I know. Don't really do heroes, but at a pinch, Jock Stein, but he's dead.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Hurting the one(s) I love.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Wanting to force people to do stuff that's bad for them. Such as listen to Anne Diamond.
What objects do you always carry with you?
My fillings and cap tooth. Ear wax. Snot. Wee. Poo. Dust.
What makes you depressed?
Hangovers. Unresolved inner turmoil. Anne Diamond's show on Radio Oxford.
What is your most unappealing habit?
An infantile fascination with my body's waste products.
What is your favourite word?
Guinness? - in the form of a salutation from the landlord of the greatest pub in the world.
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
French Dragoon. Can't beat a bit of braid.
Which living person do you most despise?
At the moment, that ref that sent me off. Though I'm sure he's less unpleasant than lots of other power-whores. Bet he'd send our boys into Iran if he had the chance, though. For not retreating 2 metres.
How often do you have sex?
It's quality that counts, not quantity.
When did you last cry, and why?
I think it was a while ago, watching one of those in-depth reports about mums and dads who've lost everything trying to keep their dying babies alive.
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
Ja, why wouldn't I have?
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Loads. 'Wheels' by Joe Loss when the coffin comes in. Maybe 'Disco Inferno' by the Trammps. Stuff friends and family wanted to play.
How would you like to be remembered?
I have no idea. Warmly I suppose.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Maybe music is the food of love. Just as long as it's not Betong Union singing it.
Favourite Street game
That I've played in, probably the 10-man cos-Mark-had-to-run-the-line victory over Tetsworth. That I've watched: has to be the penalty shoot-out win over Tetsworth. Sorry Tetsworth!
Favourite ground
In March, having been dug over in the autumn with plenty of organic matter, and made friable by the winter frosts
Favourite former-Street player
Fred - the Stan Bowles of the Street
Favourite opponent
Being a student of the verbal side of the game, it has to go to Macca - the only bloke to get sent off for dissent, carry on his tirade all the way to the changing rooms, and return from the shower to the touchline still ranting. What an absolute legend.
Best personal Street moment
Shouting 'Ref! Jewellery!' after an altercation with a chopsy Wheatley Bling-boy, or talking gibberish to adoring Germans in Kassel
Worst personal Street moment
Nearly perforating Jan's eardrum with a comedy slap in Ravensbird
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
Talking a lot and telling other people to talk a lot then to shut up. The ability to take a drink.
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
Bringing fair play and gentle manliness to the Witney and District while hosting our own festival of football fun, sponsored by Dick and Mary and Kraftwerk, and including a singalongathon in 'The Ginsburg Lounge'. Getting to know more earnestly well intentioned groups of alt-footballers all over the world, and annoying them. A squad that includes the boy Finlay.
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Alex Cobham
 | Second-up on this rollercoaster of fun is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking play-actor, Alex 'please, don't effing dink it in this wind' Cobham. Alex is best known for being a posho economic-theorist-Guardian nobber. He is also totally unable to take the ball past a defender without tumbling over theatrically, clutching his something-or-other. It should also be noted that Alex has a marvellous beard, and likes to call his missus 'The Boss'.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Scoring a completely unnecessary overhead kick.
What is your greatest fear?
Being unfairly labelled a flash git by my own team-mates. Backstabbers.
Which living person do you most admire?
You'd probably expect me to say Cristiano Ronaldo, wouldn't you? Or maybe Jurgen Klinsmann? And they are second and third, right enough.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Inability to give a straight answer. And grumpiness. And inability to give a short answer. And grumpiness. Yes, I know.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Insistent questioning.
What objects do you always carry with you?
A stick to beat questioners with. And my wedding ring.
What makes you depressed?
Interrogation.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Beating up interviewers. I mean it.
What is your favourite word?
Impervious.
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Striker.
Which living person do you most despise?
Chris Tarrant. And the bloke who bravely decked me by running up behind me and punching the back of my head after a nothing tackle about four seasons ago. I am reliably informed that his mother is very proud of him.
How often do you have sex?
As long as a piece of string.
When did you last cry, and why?
Friday 13th January 2006. RIP Joe.
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
These are the foundation of our greatness. That's what Birnie told me, anyway.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Anything by Dylan as long as it's live and I'm on harmonica.
How would you like to be remembered?
As someone who never shirked an unnecessary overhead kick.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Just because something's unnecessary doesn't mean it's not worth doing.
Favourite Street game
Rounders.
Favourite ground
Good to soft.
Favourite former-Street player
I would say hairy Murphy, but surely he will always be with us - so it must be that Spanish genius of the dribble, Ramon Naranjo. Or as he liked to be known, Chris Smith. Ramon is in the process of relocating from Iowa to Madrid - surely a Street weekend away beckons?
Favourite opponent
Stella Rossa. It's the quality of the entertaining that counts.
Best personal Street moment
Skinning sixteen defenders at the Street's first DAM, then drawing the seven-foot giant of a goalkeeper before beating him all ends up with a delightful tortilla chip to the far post.
Worst personal Street moment
Seeing said tortilla chip hit the cruel, cruel sunbaked goalmouth about a foot out and bounce over the sodding crossbar.
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
To be honest, I'm not very good with keys. So clearly it's my much-loved sense of humour and boundless jollity. Now clear off.
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
2011.
Favourite Street goal you've scored
Ah, now you're talking. Could it have been the - no wait the- or maybe the- gaah. Must have been either the flying left-footed top-corner volley or the completely unnecessary overhead kick against Golden Ball last season - in what the MITD called a 'showboating masterclass', while others just muttered 'c-nt'.
Favourite bearded famous person
Joe Stiglitz. Rich Adams.
Favourite economic theory
You're taking the piss now, aren't you?
Most sartorially elegant Street player
Clearly that wrinkle-dodging Mini-driving video-arty badger Gemunu da Silva.
Least sartorially elegant Street player
Anything on Sale. Boom boom.
How much can you drink before you fall over?
As those who've seen me in the box know all too well, I can fall over without drinking anything. But more importantly, who'sh counting? Are you lookin' at me pal? [crawls away muttering vague threats]
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Richard Adams
 | Third up (apologies for the wait - you'd be amazed how many Street heroes you have to ask before one of them agrees to do it. You'd think they'd be jumping at the chance, but no, they're all too busy plotting new ways to lose to Fairview it seems) is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking Saturday morning chef, Richard 'Tarmac' Adams. Richard is best known for passing the ball to feet, finding space and generally being better at this football lark than the rest of us. He also stinks of guff, dances like a girl, has/had a rubbish beard and is always crying off early to spend some time with 'the kids'. Poof.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Sitting on a rock, gazing out over moonlit water on a balmy night with the love(s) of my life.
What is your greatest fear?
Falling in.
Which living person do you most admire?
Man in the Dugout for never failing to supply me a chuckle first thing Monday morning.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Talking gibberish at half-time.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Politely agreeing with gibberish at half-time.
What objects do you always carry with you?
Lactobacillus acidophilus
What makes you depressed?
Warm lager
What is your most unappealing habit?
Ummm, now let me think...
What is your favourite word?
Blossom
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Anything with sequins
Which living person do you most despise?
Despise is a strong word, but what the hell, politicians during live Commons mass debates.
How often do you have sex?
Whenever it's offered
When did you last cry, and why?
The birth of my son, and I haven't stopped!
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
Try having a rub down in a Turkish bath, no personal space allowed.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Pearl Jam's cover of Neil Young's "(Why do I keep) F**king up?", with me on backing vocals.
How would you like to be remembered?
For my ability to dance like Bez on acid, on a German bar stool for two hours without falling off.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Don't play truant
Favourite Street game
Finstock 3 - 4 The Street
Favourite football ground
Anfield
Favourite former-Street player
Guiseppe in goal after 8 pints
Favourite opponent
Grasshoppers, hop, hop, hop!
Best personal Street moment
Every pre and post match huddle cuddle
Worst personal Street moment
Missing the penalty against golden ball (then scoring the winner!)
Best Street goal scored
Can't remember but it wouldn't have been by me.
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
Ability to shout out ridiculous football-related sayings (Head's on, Spread it wide, Nice-once DannyBoy)
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
Smiling, loving, singing, cuddling.
Favourite Street player with a beard
Anthony Worrall Thompson
Favourite Anthony Worrall Thompson recipe
"Snicker" pudding - one mouthful and your cholesterol's off the scale.
Favourite on-pitch catchphrase
TALK!!!
Favourite hard house tune
It's all the same to me
Favourite dance move
The Turkey
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Danny Kavanagh
 | Fourth up, on what is fast becoming the Communigate / RT Harris internet sensation of the year, is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking shot-stopper Danny 'The Cat' Kavanagh. Boy-band stud Danny is best known for saving Street's collective blushes through super-hero goalkeeping, and generally being an all-round stand-up kinda guy with not a bad word to say about anyone. He also averages roughly 6,349 apologies per game, and is nearly always '50-50 for Saturday guys' owing to some spurious sniffle / tiny bruise / 'work' issue. His girlfriend is also officially Supporter of the Year (they never come to the pub, though, eh? W*nkers).
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Sat on a sunny beach with a gentle breeze, cocktail in hand and my girlfriend beside me!
What is your greatest fear?
People banging balloons in my face.
Which living person do you most admire?
Would have to be either Street's chairman, showing sheer guts, courage and half time talk, or Shay Given!
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My sheer lack of confidence in myself! Ask any street player about that!
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Unreliability, I just don't think there is any excuse for being unreliable!
What objects do you always carry with you?
Hair wax and a comb of course! Gotta look good no matter what!
What makes you depressed?
Letting in goals! Not playing well, and listening to people that just can't sing on TV!
What is your most unappealing habit?
My depressing Monday morning emails to everyone, not really a big confidence boost is it!? Sorry lads!
What is your favourite word?
Not really known for my vocabulary but let's say "COME ON!"
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Would be going as a WWE wrestler, ie, pair of pants, knee high boots, frilly tassels and a long wig!
Which living person do you most despise?
I don't really despise any one. If I had to pick I guess any one from McFly - I just don't like his face!
How often do you have sex?
Whenever Jenn's home! Never before a game, but apart from that on the hour every hour!
When did you last cry, and why?
When my cat died, a couple of months ago.
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
Closest I've come is Street's famous in-the-shower singing moments!
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Cast - Walk Away, or I Will Survive!
How would you like to be remembered?
For always giving 110%
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
With every bad thing there is always a good thing
Favourite Street game
Recently against North Oxford Reserves, I am still dreaming of my save! For watching it would have to be the penalty shoot out against Tetsworth.
Favourite football ground
Sandylanium!
Favourite former Street player
Niel Murphy although he is still with us in heart, or Richard Sale's little fat friend that used to play up front..
Favourite opponent
Wheatley - just love those heated exchanges
Best personal Street moment
When I first played in goal, I can't remember the team but we drew 2-2 and I got kicked in the head! Or my save of the season!
Worst personal Street moment
I've played in two penalty shoot outs and we haven't won either! Or losing to Great Milton!
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
Motivation, courage, happiness... And of course, self confidence. Oh, and extreme kicking ability!
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
Name plated in gold across the Black Swan, and top of the league!
Favourite ever save
I've done three this season, one from the free kick against Fairview, one from Chris Clarke's header against golden ball, and the North Oxford Reserves save from that header.
Favourite apology
I'm sorry for letting in that goal, sorry guys!
How annoyed do you get with your central defenders on a scale of 1 to 10?
Oh I can't put that! I can't rate that, there's too much love in the team.
Don't you ever wish you didn't have to play in goal?
I have played in every position and I just love playing in goal!
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Craig Bartlett
 | Fifth up, on this hallucinogenic fairground-ride of Street-wisdom, cod-philosophy and Tetsworth-baiting, is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking plumber-nobbo Craig 'over the bar' Bartlett. Freddie Mercury look-a-like Craig is best known for unblocking sinks, standing on post boxes and whacking the ball some 4,325 yards, even when it's a penalty kick. Our erstwhile secretary has also battled manfully with the on-going TOTAL HOPELESS INEPTITUDE of the Oxford City FA, and freaked us all out by giving up the booze - and then sending us weekly updates of his progress. Nutter.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Seeing one of Cobham's unnecessary overhead kicks troubling the Mini test drivers at Roman Way, again. Although, perhaps he should have overhead kicked his penalty in the shoot out against North Oxford in the cup last year.
And Swindon top of the Premier League, of course.
What is your greatest fear?
Either the Street or the Black Swan ceasing to exist.
Which living person do you most admire?
In life probably my father, in football David Beckham.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My constant all consuming battle for fitness and the perfect body.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Tightness
What objects do you always carry with you?
Cash and hair wax
What makes you depressed?
Monday morning, shit weather and missing penalties!
What is your most unappealing habit?
Wanking on the bus.
What is your favourite word?
Testiculating - the art of waving one's arms and loudly talking bollocks, much like an errant left back I could mention.
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
A robot, or Dusty Bin.
Which living person do you most despise?
There are so many, although for all-time hate appeal it has to be Darren Day, no-one knows why he's famous, and yet he's done some premier league shagging. And David Pleat!
How often do you have sex?
Well, much like the rest of the lads, as often as possible, but that's not very often at all of late. Girlfriend's who live away - rubbish.
When did you last cry, and why?
A month or so ago when Rory Fallon was sold to Swansea.
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
I'm offended you don't remember!
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Abide with me (FA cup tune)
How would you like to be remembered?
For my penalties, and other things that made people laugh.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
You only get out what you put in, so not much for me.
Favourite Street game
The 2-1 defeat at high flying Bakels Crusaders a couple of seasons ago. They were expected to give us a sound beating, but in the end of it they were fortunate to nick it.
Favourite football ground
The County Ground, SN1
Favourite former-Street player
Until two weeks ago it would definitely have been Coops but now he's back I guess it would have to be the Dude, didn't he play in Germany once?
Favourite opponent
The young lad with a lot to say who played up front for Beckley pushes that Tony from Wheatley pretty hard!
Best personal Street moment
Well my penalty last time out was pretty special but winning the cup game against Tetsworth last year with 10 men was probably as good as it gets.
Worst personal Street moment
The cup final defeat at the hand of our friends from Fairview.
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
I reckon I can boot it further than anyone else.
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
More European football, Division one of the Witney and District and a Cup win under our belts.
Favourite run-in with the Fuzz
Probably the time that police woman commanded me to, "get off that postbox you f*cking idiot." Purely because I didn't have to stay overnight. Very rude of her though.
Worst hangover you've had whilst playing for the Street
See other run-ins with the Fuzz. The most famous of all: it was against Donnington Old Boys at Cowley Marsh, when a right-winger old enough to be my father ran rings round me until I was subbed at half time to speak to a solicitor. In fairness I had spent the night in Charing Cross police station, fallen asleep on the train home and ended up in Oxford. I then had to go back to Reading to pick up my boots and return to Oxford after about an hour's sleep.
Favourite plumbing tool
I like a good wrench from time to time.
3 reasons why Swindon is better than Oxford
Just 3?
The council don't dig up all the roads in town at the same time.
Our football ground has the correct number of sides.
I was born in Swindon.
There aren't so many weirdo's in cycle clips who you'd never let babysit your kids.
Swindon has two lap dance bars.
Swindon are in League one.
Swindon have only lost to Oxford 10 times in 53 outings EVER!
Some how the shopping is better in Swindon.
Billie Piper is from Swindon.
Swindon people are literate. Please see the sign on the ring road: 'Swindon is are shit.' Gold!
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James Burn
 | Sixth up, on this terrifying bob-sleigh ride of soul-searching, navel-gazing and homoeroticism, is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking tight-wad James 'Montgomery' Burn. Balding short-arse Burn once got inebriated on a lager shandy and a packet of wine gums, and is perhaps best known for being able to run for 3 whole days without stopping. Union Street will, of course, be forever grateful for his weather-predicting, penny-pinching ways, as we all know no other bugger would've done quite such a sterling job at organising our forthcoming German fun-bonanza. Despite this, some Union boys have still not entirely forgiven him for the Linz-airport-detour-catastrophe. Loves badgers.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I don't know yet, but something involving badgers, honey and football seems a good combo.
What is your greatest fear?
Cot death.
Which living person do you most admire?
My mum.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Not stopping when its for the best.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Self pity - just get a grip and get on with it.
What objects do you always carry with you?
Fluff.
What makes you depressed?
I was a bit unhappy the other day when we lost that penalty shoot-out, until beer and a curry.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Various monkey-esque tendencies which my girlfriend points out.
What is your favourite word?
Chuckle. Though I quite like monkey-esque now.
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Something so impracticable as to be hilarious - Rubik's cube or kangaroo perhaps.
Which living person do you most despise?
Bush hasn't been on my Christmas card list for the last couple of years.
How often do you have sex?
Every 7 minutes - or is that thinking about sex? Daily then - or does w*nking not count?
When did you last cry, and why?
I think I may have squeezed a tear out watching some film last month. Can't for the life of me remember - ah, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory maybe?
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
Does the Keith I bet you 10 euros fleisch/blood-penis off count? [Of course it does - MITD]
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Something off The Beatles Abbey Road probably - Come Together - bit w*nky for a funeral mind, but hey I'm dead so what the hell.
How would you like to be remembered?
"That idiot who chose Come Together for his funeral" would make me chuckle in a monkey-esque way.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Make hay whilst the sun shines. Actually I wonder if that's why I got into meteorology?
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
Maybe enthusiasm and stamina (on-pitch stamina, not drinking).
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
Lean mean crazy football machine - bit like now really, apart from the mean and lean and machine bits.
Favourite Street game?
Football. Oh you mean that. How about the Kosmos Ost multi-ball experience in Germany last year. Balls all over the place. Plus added boobs.
Favourite football ground?
St James' Park. Not that I ever go, like.
Favourite former-Street player?
Mister Neil Murphy, though does he continue to sign on from Italy? Kev Clarke's a jolly decent chap too.
Favourite opponent?
Whoever was supposed to be marking me when I scored my goal.
Best personal Street moment?
Ah, lots. My goal was pretty special, the occasion not the goal. Winning penalty shoot-out in Germany 2004.
Worst personal Street moment?
Witnessing Andy's broken leg? Oooh nasty.
Most money ever saved at an airport?
Look it's the principle of the thing. Why should we pay all that extra money to take our entertainment and football to another country?
Most pints you can drink without slurring your words?
Ho ho. That viess beer from Ravensbird does funny things though doesn't it? Magic!
Best deal you've ever got on a 17-seater van to Germany
I just like a good haggle, must be the Iranian carpet salesman in my ancestory. And, there are loads of you still to give me your deposits. You know who you are, so cough up. Everyone who pays gets a free gourd.
Favourite make of sleeping bag (wet or dry)
Cue for a weather gag? How about a warm front passage leaving us with moist interludes and a bit of wind...
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Man in the Dugout
 | Seventh up, on this escalator of oddity, is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking mystery man, the Man in the Dugout. The Man in the Dugout is best known for his laboured match "reports", keeping his identity a secret and, more generally, keeping the Street Dream alive. Weird-writing nobber MITD has been there from the very beginning, detailing the highs and lows of the Mighty Union Boys, always on hand for a clever quip, an easy put-down or some surreal words of encouragement. No-one knows who he is, or what he looks like, but he's been there through thick and thin. We salute you, Communigate word-monger.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Sitting in my dugout, flask of Bovril in one hand, notepad in the other, watching my boys hit 10 past Fairview.
What is your greatest fear?
That I might not actually exist.
Which living person do you most admire?
Alas, the era of true dugout heroes is fading away. It's all "technical areas", "fourth officials" and Mourinho-style idiocy these days. And that's just when we're playing Goldenball.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Forgetting the scorers on a Saturday. And over-quoting.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Asking me to write about 'what actually happened' in the game. What do they think this is, The Oxford Mail?
What objects do you always carry with you?
Notepad, quill, Motson-style coat, book of quotations, portable dugout.
What makes you depressed?
Losing my notes and having to fabricate the match report entirely. Which happens surprisingly often, let me tell you.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Getting over-friendly in the dugout.
What is your favourite word?
Either 'Black' or 'Swan'. Or maybe 'mong-bag'.
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
John Motson would be a bit easy, so I'll go for Jimmy Hill.
Which living person do you most despise?
Mick Hucknall.
How often do you have sex?
In the common parlance, Mrs Dugout 'goes like a train'.
When did you last cry, and why?
When I missed my Monday morning deadline for one of my recent match reports. I take it all very seriously, you know.
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
Plenty. That Dugout is a hotbed of love.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Givin up the Nappy Dug Out by Ice Cube. The lyrics go a little something like this:
"I got a big old ding-a-ling, and if that bitch remains
I'm gonna do my thing, with your dauuuughter!"
[Cube] Givin up the nappy dug out!"
How would you like to be remembered?
Surreally.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
There's a quote for all occasions.
Favourite Street game
My favourite Street games were those when you used to look at the team sheet and see 'Cloyd' or 'Birnie' between the sticks. Ahh, you knew you were in for some fun, back in those days.
Favourite football ground
For the true bricks-and mortar dugout connoisseur, the vast Roman Way cup final arena takes some beating. None of your fancy plastic crap there. And it's always fun being told to move your flag / get back in your "technical area". I also enjoyed my little snooze in a spacious Italian dugout during our Roman adventure.
Favourite former-Street player
Super-keeper Cloyd. For reasons mentioned above.
Favourite opponent
Macca, for his all-too-brief, MITD-inspired drunken ramblings on the Bullnose Morris Communigate site. Of special note was his 'joke of the week'. I could learn a thing or two from him, that's for sure.
Best personal Street moment
I knew that I'd made it when a chopsy Cricketers' 'hardcase' told a Street hero to 'go and write about in your PC'. Fame at last.
Worst personal Street moment
I get very low when a report has a typo or grammatical error. You've got to keep your standards up, and sometimes it's just not good enough.
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
I like to think of myself as the poet laureate of the Street, aiding our quest to spread a little love around the footballing universe, confuse people with over-friendliness, and quote William Golding while we're at it.
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
Advising UEFA and FIFA on fair play, good times and the part Guinness has to play in building a better world.
Favourite make of Dugout
Has to be the Touchline Portable Pro www.touchlinepro.com as mentioned by Yr Chairman, cheaper and more attractive than the £1,800 "portable" shelter from soccertackle.com (www.soccertackle.com/products/view.php?cid=5&pid=394)
Favourite MITD-ism
Would have to be from the classic "European Union 2003-2004" era, a quote from the 2-1 home defeat to Tetsworth: "Street had the better of the first half but, like a disciple of the poet e e cummings, found themselves unable to capitalise." Classy, high-brow and relevant, even if I do say so myself.
Don't you get bored writing the reports?
Never. It's an honour to report on the handsome super-dudes. Mostly.
But aren't you running out of ideas?
What are you trying to say?
How is it interviewing yourself?
Very odd. |
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Matt Fry
 | Eighth up on this nerve-jangling, kamikaze-overload of bums, willies and hooters, is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking hyper-hydrologist, Matthew 'Billy Elliot' Fry. Knock-kneed East German office-worker Matt is perhaps best known for having the skinniest, hairiest legs in the whole of Street-dom, and for his expert exploits with the German tongue (fnar) last summer. He's chirpy, he's chipper, and he can also ballet-dance like nobody's business. What a sexy boy, eh?
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A Thursday night pint in the Black Swan.
What is your greatest fear?
Everybody on earth dying of a weird mutant disease, except me. Or having to play in goal.
Which living person do you most admire?
Alas Ivor Cutler died last week. So it would be someone else of great humour and perspective. Maybe Jeremy Clarkson.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Hairiness.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Is diving a trait? Second: genocide.
What objects do you always carry with you?
Penknife, assorted nuts.
What makes you depressed?
Excessive hallucinogenic consumption in formative years.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Taking ages to do things like this. Sorry Man.
What is your favourite word?
So many to choose from... Wensleydale, or Cambodia, or snotball.
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Hitler at the beach.
Which living person do you most despise?
Hitler.
How often do you have sex?
Only as often as I want.
When did you last cry, and why?
Caught in my flies last September.
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
I'm having one now, are you?
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Something excessively miserable. Then on the way out: Staying Alive.
How would you like to be remembered?
At regular intervals, possibly at an annual memorial ceremony and cider festival in an orchard in Somerset.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Speling.
Favourite Street game
To watch: against Bakels out in the sticks that time, a classic. To play: the semi-final last year.
Favourite ground
Err... Milton?
Favourite former-Street player
Errr... I'm too new to know any.
Favourite opponent
Ramsey, for sure. I'd like to take the disturbed little fella under my wing.
Best personal Street moment
DAM madness, or scoring a penalty, or playing in the final last year.
Worst personal Street moment
Losing in the final.
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
Tireless enthusiasm, twitchy flag arm, hydrology.
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
Right next to me, and I'm sitting by the fireside with baby Streets all around me.
Favourite German chat-up line?
'Do you prefer Fleisch or Blut?' always gets their pants down. Only seems to work on the men though... ho hum.
Favourite Billy Elliot ballet-move?
Got to be a demi-plie.
Do you think you look a bit like Billy from EastEnders?
Never seen Eastenders. I was always told I look like that one on the Archers.
OK, perhaps not.
What would you like to do to the people who broke your chair after a famous Street night out?
I'd have shown them the door, but I fear they would have broken that too.
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Chris Clarke
 | Ninth up, on this engorged love-stick of idiocy, idioms and idiosyncrasy, is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking mongaloid Chris 'Mr Versatility' Clarke. Right wing twerp-ball Chris is perhaps best known for taking four weeks over some very simple answers, but also for being faster than a speeding badger-ball down that flank, filling in at centre back and popping up in the box to flick home the winner. He may suppport West Ham, but he can drink YOU (yes, YOU) under the table and no mistakin'.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
No responsibility
What is your greatest fear?
Too much responsibility
Which living person do you most admire?
Not the admiring type
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Laziness
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
The same
What objects do you always carry with you?
Watch, cash
What makes you depressed?
The way some people are never depressed
What is your most unappealing habit?
Going to work
What is your favourite word?
Fluffy
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Pearly King
Which living person do you most despise?
Chris Moyles
How often do you have sex?
Whenever
When did you last cry, and why?
Probably when I last fell off my bike or snowboard at high speed
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
No. Never went to boarding school
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Not bothered, I won't hear it. However something by Nick Drake might go down well!
How would you like to be remembered?
Two week national holiday in my honour
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Think quicker when answering questions
Favourite Street game
2-0 win at Tetsworth some time ago.
Favourite ground
The running track at Regensburg.
Favourite former-Street player
Craig Bartlett
Favourite opponent
So many to choose from... hmmmmm... Golden Ball, unbeaten against them this season.
Best personal Street moment
Regensburg DAM Tournament
Worst personal Street moment
Not many, got injured once and had to come off
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
Versatility
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
Five divisions higher
What's the point in West Ham?
The current (and most likely the future) England footy team.
How fast can you run?
Depends on the destination
Favourite goal scored for Street?
First one, tap in at Morris Motors
Favourite 'same old faces' night out?
Love Bar - Singing/Shouting - Bouncer Says "You're not in your Rugby Club now, keep it down" - Get lost, Egg chasing? Please! - Then some same old faces blocked off the pavement with cones.
Who's best on the right wing: you, Rich Sale, or David Beckham?
Me. But gladly take it to a poll and don't get me started on that overrated t0553r at Madrid. |
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Andy Davies
 | Tenth up, on this irregular feast of fornication, fortitude and four-three victories against Finstock, is everybody's favourite Guinness-drinking ball-monitor, Andy 'the Welsh Wizard' Davies. Lampard-a-like Davies is perhaps best known for heroic comebacks from horrific leg injuries, and for scoring the GOAL OF THE CENTURY this season against Great Milton. Still misses far too many games in February and March (to watch Wales lose at rugby). Yet he's only 2 foot tall and can knock it back like Chris Clarke. We salute you, ball-crossing wizard-boy.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A perfect Saturday. Street win (I score, maybe not), Spurs win, Cardiff Blues win, a few beers and a good curry. When this happens I go to bed a happy man.
What is your greatest fear?
Homebase or Tesco on a bank holiday weekend and Stella Artois.
Which living person do you most admire?
Robbie Savage. The man became a professional footballer despite not being able to play football and looking like a badly coiffured Afghan Hound. Respect is due.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Apparently I hog the TV remote.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
I can't stand it when people kick the Street footballs that I look after onto the railway line, over the fence, into Cowley March depot etc and then don't bother to go and get them. This means that I have to go to Footballs R Us to buy another ball (which I did yesterday). Perhaps this question should have been called "traits I deplore most in Rich Sale".
What objects do you always carry with you?
Wallet, phone, TV remote, keys.
What makes you depressed?
It has to be the match against North Oxford this season, when we were 2 up and managed to lose 3-2 (typing this is making me pi***d off). Sometimes we play well and lose, sometimes we play badly and lose. I can handle that. But that performance was beyond rubbish. Thinking about it makes me depressed and I'm going to cry now.
What is your most unappealing habit?
Randomly crying at my desk when my colleagues don't know that I'm doing Street Talk.
What is your favourite word?
Biscotti.
What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
An off-the-shoulder number.
Which living person do you most despise?
Ruth Kelly, the Education Secretary. Cannot stand the woman.
How often do you have sex?
Whenever I'm allowed.
When did you last cry, and why?
See above.
Have you ever had a same-sex experience?
Does sitting on Keith's knee in Germany count? I'm looking forward to re-living those happy days.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
I'd have to go for "Hello Sunshine" by the Super Furry Animals.
How would you like to be remembered?
Perhaps they could name Ystrad Mynach community centre after me.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Always offer to buy a round early on in the night, otherwise you end up paying for cocktails.
Favourite Street game
Has to be the 4-3 against Finstock.
Favourite ground
Cardiff Arms Park.
Favourite former-Street player
The Enigma, Jim Griffiths.
Favourite opponent
I don't really like any of them. Except at the DAM.
Best personal Street moment
There are two that spring to mind. My goal against Great Milton and watching Fairview Ginger #1 completely self destruct and then get subbed at half time. That was a good moment for football.
Worst personal Street moment
It has to be breaking my ankle and leg - I'm not one to moan but I spent two weeks in hospital, had two operations, was on crutches for 8 weeks (and as Ben will tell you, that's hard work in mid summer when it's boiling hot), I had to cancel my holiday (and in case you were wondering, Easy Jet don't do refunds), couldn't play football for five months and I have a plate in my leg for the rest of my life. The doctors said it may set off airport alarms but it hasn't. The liars. I was really glad to say I took part in Finstock's festival of football.
What key skills do you feel you bring to the Street?
Height in the midfield.
Where do you see the Street in five years time?
Playing with the style and sophistication of the 2005/06 vintage and still enjoying the annual pilgrimage to Germany.
Three reasons why football is better than rugby union
Robbie Savage could never have been a rugby player, England's comedic failure at successive world cups and I never scored a try as good as my goal at Great Milton.
Favourite Welsh person
Neil Jenkins. Legend.
Best corner you've ever taken
One at Finstock, straight on to Tarmac's head to give us a 4-3 lead with a couple of minutes to go.
Words of advice for wimps who moan about 'knee injuries' or 'sprains'?
Really make the most of it, because once you're better it's no longer acceptable to say things like, "Mrs Ball Monitor, can you go to the shop for me/get me another beer/drive me to the Black Swan" etc.
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