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Knee-Jerk Reaction
 | Ben's Injury Countdown to Germany 2006
Ah, the world cup - every footballer's dream. Representing your country, drinking fizzy German beer, playing the banjo, singing idiotic songs about submarines, dancing on stools, occasionally knocking a ball about with some girls - this is what every professional, non-professional, amateur, Sunday-leaguer, 6-a-sider, and, err, RT Harris-er strives for. This is what spurs you on during rain-sodden defeats to Fairview. In the words of Busted, this is what you go to school for.
Imagine, then, if your only chance at world cup glory was suddenly taken from you and held just out of reach, like a favourite sweet cruelly snatched from, and then dangled in front of, a small child. Union hero / sicknote Ben 'oh I'd forgotten he actually played for the Street' Beaumont has been thus stricken just 77 days shy of the start of the world cup. Will he make it? Will his hopes be fulfilled or dashed? Follow his fight for fitness and sanity in his almost-daily Injury Countdown to Germany 2006. |
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27 March 2006: Knee-naw
 | In an attempt to regain fitness, decide to play some 6-a-side with a half-dodgy knee. Succeed only in obtaining a fully-100%-no-doubts-can't-walk-dodgy knee after roughly 6 minutes. Squeal like a girl, roll around a bit Cobham-style, frighten team-mates when they realise I'm not Cobham, hobble to James' car and listen to some rubbish Tottenham game on Radio 5 Live (How to Make Yourself More Depressed # 237: Support Tottenham), hobble home. Eat some home-made, home-grown parsnip soup to heal the pain. Just gives me wind instead.
Knee hurts like billy-o and is twice its normal size. Germany feels a long way away. 77 days to go.
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28 March 2006: Help the knee-dy
 | Slept roughly two hours last night. Might be something to do with weird-contortionist bed set-up. Placed knee on ten pillows and then tried to twist round so I could sleep on my front. Not actually possible. Rubbed some of that Ibuleve gel on it, just got tingly hands instead. Wake at 5am and follow one day cricket on mobile phone. Actually as boring as it sounds.
Couldn't actually walk today, which is a worry. More of a worry is lack of telly / Sky Sports in bedroom. Every small journey / bodily function precision-planned for minimum discomfort. Somehow get downstairs for comfort of Ashes re-runs, parsnip soup (despite guffs) and painkillers. Only trouble is the loo's upstairs. Piss behind sofa instead. No one will notice.
Knee like a balloon. Think it's those ligament things. Or maybe the cartillage. Or maybe it's age. Could be out for months. Let out a tear for fading German dreams. 76 days to go.
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29 March 2006: A right knees-up
 | Second day at home. Wondering if I can get properly wasted on a dangerous Nurofen-Ibuleve-Parsnip cocktail. Borrow old granny walking stick, comes up to me knee so I feel like a very gangly, hobbling giant. Least I can walk now.
Go to quack. Torn cartillage with possible ligament damage too, 'parently. Bumface. Doc says he'll book me in to see 'sports specialist' later - nice of him to think I need a 'specialist', he's obviously never seen me play 'sport'. Meantime, go in search of crutches. End up in Abingdon, of all places.
Knee swollen, peas gone mushy, eaten all the parsnips, ran out of Ashes repeats. Not looking good. 75 days to go.
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30 March 2006: Knee-asy does it
 | Third day at home. A strange odour-cocktail of parsnip-fart, sweat, stale wee and my oddly-stinky, brand-new knee support has filled the room. Spent most of today 'working from home', as work have kindly supplied me with the world's slowest laptop. Hell hath no fury like a man with a slow computer.
I also bring news of Crutches from Abingdon. It seems that the humble market town - twinned with Lucca, Italy - is the crutch-capital of Oxon. Attempt at one low point to play guitar with aforementioned new crutches - not as rock'n'roll as I'd hoped.
Thanks to well-wishers, other injured parties and offerers of parsnips / leeks. Keep 'em coming. Knee not quite-so-swollen. Back to work tomorrow. 74 days to go.
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31 March 2006: Knee-d to know
 | Here's a diagram of a knee, just in case you wondered what we were talking about. It's a right knee, though, and I've done my left knee - so there's room for some confusion (for which I can only apologise). Still, knees, eh? Bloody complicated things and no mistakin.
Finally leave the house - no one tells you that walking on crutches is actually bloody hard work. Get to work dripping with sweat and am continually greeted by smug girls saying: "See! That's why you shouldn't play football! It's dangerous!" This is why girls are idiots.
BUT: leave work early, sun is shining, spring is here, pay day, pint at lunchtime - knee feeling better. Germany here I come. 73 days to go.
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3 April 2006: Children in knee-d
 | Monday morning, knee still sore. Everyone has a knee story to tell me. A friend with a torn cartillage said he hadn't kicked a ball for four years. Thanks mate. But then I talked to Andy Davies about breaking a leg, and suddenly didn't feel so injured any more.
Scarfe's birthday was one to remember. Strippers, nipples, furry-cock-warmers, sausage rolls, disco tunes and Guinness. What more could a 50 year-old man need? The knee was remarkably 'loose' all night. That's two bottles of red wine at Gino's for you. Unsurprisingly, knee not quite so 'loose' in the morning.
Went to Anthony Worrall Thompson's restaurant with Mrs Ben yesterday. No sign of Rich Adams. 70 days to go.
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4 April 2006: Knee bother
 | Another day on the long road to recovery. Still waiting for parsnips from Yr Chairman. You'd think he could do with the cranks. And who's he calling marrow knee, eh? Twiglet legs. Leek thighs. Carrot calves.
Started to think of alternative roles for Beaumont in Germany. Perhaps Stu could teach me the Bugle? Perhaps I could be the master technician, masterminding a fiendishly confusing procession of rolling subs? Perhaps I could taunt the German teams we don't like? Perhaps I could just get roll-around-touch-the-ground drunk? Maybe I could start a lost property service, unearthing lost cameras and the like for all and sundry? Any ideas? E-mail them to me at benjaminbeaumont@hotmail.com and I'll post them here. I will, you know. I've not got anything better to do.
Knee aches a bit too much for my liking, and it really doesn't look like I'll be playing football any time this summer. Still, hope springs eternal. 69 days to go. Fnar. |
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5 April 2006: Through the eye of a knee-dle
 | Well, I've been swamped with your e-mails of suggestions on how to busy myself in Germany - keep 'em coming, boys. This from Rich Adams, 14, a council worker from Oxford:
"Providing Giuseppe with a constant supply of beer without his girlfriend catching you
Doing Burner's washing
Keeping Yr secretary off the damn stage
Fleish/blot pe**s on-the-spot assessments
Cheerleading, along the lines of "Grasshoppers, Hop, Hop, Hop", the possibilities are endless
"
And this from Keith Birnie, 26 and three-quarters, a strip-o-gram from Headington:
"What about hosting a competition to see who can hold their breath the longest. The Germans would love that. Or you could dress up like that funny old man that used to go to England games in a union jack suit. What about helping your mate James with Bard duties? He was up for going when he was really pissed on Saturday night I seem to remember."
Hmmm, some tempting roles for me there. I'd rather steer away from anything that involved looking at German willies. Any more ideas? E-mail them to benjaminbeaumont@hotmail.com. Go on, it's not like I can fill this column up writing about my knee.
On another note, the "bearded-diver" Cobham has come up with a BRILLIANT t-shirt making / money-spinning / Germany-attire-fulfilling idea. Basically, we design a lovely 'Badgers On Tour' type t-shirt, get everyone to pay for one and then put the profit towards petrol / beer / loose women. The gem of the idea is here: http://unionstreet.spreadshirt.net. Any thoughts? If anyone feels like coming up with a rival design, e-mail it over and we'll have a big Street vote. Or something.
Back to the knee. It doesn't like London. But who does? Still seizing up, still stiff, still iced up with peas. Where's that specialist eh? EH? Need to phone the quack. 68 days to go.
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6 April 2006: Knee-t and tidy
Interest in Alex's t-shirt idea gathers a-pace. The question is, can any of us design anything good enough to grace those handsome hooped boys? Do any of us have access to anything other than some old felt-tips, Paint and Microsoft Word? Not forgetting a few google image searches for 'badger' and 'bar stool', of course.
Alas, the ideas for how to occupy Beaumont have dried up. So thoughts now turn to a song-list for Germany - kind of like a song for Europe, but without Gina G or Terry Wogan. We're taking our musical equipment out there - we need some songs to play, and that's where we need your input. What will be this year's Yellow Submarine? Where will the next A-ga-do come from? Your answers to the usual e-mail address please.
God I'm tired. It's hard work dragging a gammy leg across the streets of London, I can tell you. Especially when the escalator at Paddington's broken. 67 days to go.
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7 April 2006: I kneed your love
Only Yr Chairman's handsome suggestion so far. So here are my top songs for Germany 2006:
Save Me (Queen): Danny Kavanagh
Twist (your knee) and Shout (Beatles): Ben Beaumont
Anything by Wet Wet Wet: James Burn
I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor (Arctic Monkeys): Rich Adams
Stay Another Day (East 17): Craig Bartlett
Falling (Roy Orbison): Alex Cobham
In fact, anything by The Fall or lesser-known Oxford band Dive Dive: Alex Cobham
Jesus Christ Superstar: Crispin Angood
Anything by Charlotte Church: Andy Davies
Always Take The Weather With You (Crowded House): James Burn
When I'm Sixty Four (Beatles): Martin Scarfe
I'm Gonna Be (500 miles) (Proclaimers): Yr Chairman
That'll do for now, but there's more in there, let me tell you. More songs in my next instalment: your suggestions most welcome.
Just phoned doctor. Sill waiting for this bleedin referral. Don't they know I'm in PAIN? Don't they know the clock to Germany is TICKING? Don't they KNOW? Suppose not. 66 days to go.
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9 April 2006: Easy as one, two, knee
 | Today is a WORLD of pain, a UNIVERSE of agony, a GALAXY of hurt. And it's nothing to do with my knee, either. The triple whammy of Craig's hat trick, Craig's birthday, and Craig buggering off to Australia brought with it truly offensive amounts of alcohol.
The knee withstood the 'dance-test', though to be fair the dancing involved little leg movement and much flailing of arms, much like Matt Fry's linesmanship. Part of the celebration involved wearing kitchen implements as hats. We know how to have fun, don't we?
Still getting over Craig scoring three goals. It's just not right. Don't think I'll ever score for the Street. Maybe I should retire now. 64 days to go.
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10 April 2006: Kneeps and tatties
 | Two-day hangovers, eh? Such fun. Still, it's not all bad. At least I'm not a badger: www.rspca.org.uk/badgers.
Through the broken eyes of my hangover, I stumbled across this in The Observer yesterday: 'Fans buy up vans for World Cup trip': http://football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,,1750148,00.html. Folk the country over are copying our plans, it seems. Good job bargain-basement Burner got in there when he did.
More time to reflect on Saturday afternoon and evening. If you haven't seen the pics of Craig's exploits, have a look here: http://ukdam.schtuff.com/?action=gallery. Happy times. Thought I'd post a picture of the orangey-est football team in Oxford, too. Begs the question: is Yr Chairman really a ghost?
Knee stiff, but let's be honest it's much better, and I really can't expect any sympathy any more. Time to get on with getting fit. Gonna eat parsnips tonight til I puke, thanks Chairman. 63 days to go.
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11 April 2006: Knee-man
 | Thought you might like to see a picture of Bartlett 'polling' on Saturday night.
The Songs for Germany contest is really hotting up. Today's entries, courtesy of Mozley and, err, me are:
Fixing a Hole (Beatles) Craig
Dont Look Back in Anger (Oasis) Lee Steele
Tiny Dancer (Elton John) Matt Fry
Run For Your Life (Beatles) Stu / Burner
S(he) Bangs the Drums (Stone Roses) Gem
You Never Give Me Your Money (Beatles) Burner
Paperback Writer (Beatles) MITD
Midnight Rambler (Rolling Stones) Yr Chairman
Cry Baby Cry (Beatles) Rich Sale
Married With Children (Oasis) Andy W
Sound of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel) Stu
Bring the Noise (Public Enemy) Andy W
Plenty to chew on there. Possibly a few too many Beatles songs, though. Send in your entries, please. It's getting lonely here.
Now walking without a stupid limp. Hoorah! Today's task is to plague my GP with irritating phonecalls about seeing a specialist. Don't they realise I'm a super-sportsman? 62 days to go. |
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12 April 2006: No knees is good knees
 | Whilst getting the lift at work, driving everywhere and generally getting people to run errands me appeals to my lazy side (not to mention being damn good fun), it means I haven't done any exercise for nearly three weeks. My waist is expanding to Rich Sale-proportions, and my arse is plumper than two big fat badgers.
So, how do I stay (what?) fit and toned whilst waiting for my knee to recover, that's the question. I could start a marathon crank-o-meter, a la Yr Chairman, but I fear his exploits a little intimidating. Plus walking for more than 5 minutes aches my legs as though I'm 60.
People keep mentioning swimming to me as a way to get fit, but what they don't mention is that swimming is insanely, pull-your-hair-out BORING. And that goes for cycling, too. Don't you see, people? That's why we play FOOTBALL. Cos we can't do anything else, and because everything else is rubbish.
What else is there that doesn't involve the knee? I could use one of those hand-cycling thingamies, but let's be honest it's knackering just looking at one of those things. Got any better ideas? Send your suggestions, songs and wotnot to benjaminbeaumont@hotmail.com.
AGM = THE TENTH OF MAY. Street, let's sort this aht. 61 days to go.
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13 April 2006: Happy Knee-aster
 | Have entered a world where every sport star's knee injury is really interesting. It seems like Michael Vaughan's been out for about six months, which doesn't bode well. Have also entered a world where I think it might be fun to write in different colours. Yup, being injured is this boring.
Jeez my knee is sore this morning. What with this driving-everywhere lark I've not realised that walking for more than two minutes makes me bend over and ache like a really old man. And it's turned me into such a whiney-faced whinge-bag. Really gotta sort this out.
Still, Easter beckons and with it copious amounts of booze, chocolate and lazing about. I'll be fit in no time. 60 days to go. |
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16 April 2006: A-knee body out there?
Anybody watch that Good Friday Easter thing in Manchester? Seriously weird shit, man. The surreal-enough-already story of Jesus set to The Smiths, Joy Division and the Happy Mondays. And M People. Those church-goers in the North West have been on the funny-flapjacks again.
The knee is giving me jip, I can't deny it, but the road to recovery starts here. Or at least on Tuesday. Having watched Swindon Town put in a Easter Saturday performance so RT Harris-like it had me feeling I could do better with a walking stick, a hobble and only half a leg, it's time to get serious.
I need myself a professional training regime involving crank-o-meters, swim-o-matics and bike-u-likes, with some serious laser-enhanced swell-reducers too. Any takers?
I think the lack of exercise is playing with my mind. Does anybody read this rubbish? 57 days to go. |
18 April 2006: a friend in kneed
I'm lost without the Chairman's pedometer. His cranks get me through the night. What a cranker.
I wish that I could get through the day without wincing. My knee cap seems to be working itself loose. A worrying trend. I also can't think of any more knee-related puns, and I've still got over 7 weeks to go.
Still thinking of jobs for Germany. Water-carrier? Ball-finder? Beer-carrier? Guitarist-cum-cheer leader? One blessing of a dodgy knee is that I'll have an easy excuse when Ginsburg wants us to go on some mad-cap 5-mile tour of the local Kirches.
Plans for Germany begin in earnest. Who's bringing the suncream? 55 days to go.
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19 April 2006: Knees on toast
 | I just thought I'd show you a picture of a knee cartilage injury. Nice eh? I particular like those brutal looking metal clamp thingies. The pic comes from the web pages of erstwhile Keele University biomedical dudester Dr Nikki Goodstone, whose interests include articular cartilage, proteoglycan biochemistry and, of course, Union Street FC. Judging by her profile page http://www.keele.ac.uk/depts/bi/staff/ngoodstone.html she's the girl to call if you need your knee fixed.
The knee now lets out a disturbing (and somewhat painful) click when I stretch my leg. Mind you, I have some good news: a friend tells me that for every week you're out with an injury, it takes just one exercise session to get it back, fitness-wise. Now this sounds like pie-in-the-sky hogwash to me, but I'm willing to believe it. So, having been to the gym for some 'upper-body work' (ie, a few sit ups whilst watching MTV), I only need a couple of trips to the swimming pool and I'm back in the ZONE. Bring it on, baby.
Looking forward to the AGM. I'd like to add 'Jobs for Ben in Germany' and 'Songs for Germany' to the agenda, please. 54 days to go. |
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21 April 2006: Hour of kneed
Greetings humble knee-update perusers. I went swiming on Wednesday night. Swimming's rubbish, isn't it? Spent most of the time rubbing my chlorine-soaked / wee-stained eyes, avoiding fat old women / irritating little sh*ts and trying to remember how to swim and breathe. It wasn't easy. Discovered that a girly breast stroke hurts my knee more than the frankly-more-knackering and harder-to-do front crawl. Shame.
Still, that's two bits of exercise now. One more and I'll be back playing for the Street. Put me down for centre forward on Saturday. Ho ho. Mind you, I bet if I did play I'd score the most immobile hat-trick since your secretary, and no mistaking.
Read The Guardian (http://football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,,1757216,00.html) on the train to a rain-swept Manchester yesterday. It included a world cup warning from the Foreign Office: "While we all look forward to high drama on the pitch, it's vital that the Foreign Office does all it can to minimise drama off it." The FCO's plans include a downloadable desktop news alerts and travel news service, as well as a dedicated website - do you think we could get them to link to Communigate?
They're also issuing a "fold-out information card with advice, maps and contact numbers" at airports and the like. Do you think they should include our song lyrics on there? 52 days to go.
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24 April 2006: Frozen knees
GOOD NEWS! I am finally seeing the 'specialist' at the Nuffield tonight. I await his bland platitudes and 'just-rest-it-for-a-whiles' with over-eager anticipation. I see my alter-ego Owen is still struggling with his World Cup comeback. Seems Newcastle are arranging all manner of friendlies and testimonials for his hasty recuperation. It's all too soon, if you ask me. Give the lad some more rest, some parsnips and some leeks, and he'll be right as rain in his own time. Shame about old Shearer though.
More songs for Germany, these from Jan Holloway. Keep them coming boys.
Ben Beaumont; knee-t knee-t, knee-t by The Damned
Yr Chariman: Anything by Father Abraham and the Smurfs
Lots of people: Substitute by the Who
Knee swollen, but sunshine and flip flops agree with it. Hope this specialist comes up with the goods, or he's gonna get it in the face. 49 days to go. |
25 April 2006: So knee-r yet so far
 | Well, I can't decide if my visit to the 'specialist' was a disappointment or a success. It was certainly an experience. The Nuffield at 7.30pm is a quiet and eery place. I had an X-ray in a rather impressive X-ray room (it's been so long since I've had one, I didn't realise they were all on computer these days). The lady asked me to take my trousers off (I'd worn baggy ones so I thought I could keep them on), whereupon I realised I had on a pair of very holey pants. I also noticed an item of X-ray protection called the Kings Lynn Gonad Shield http://www.e-radiography.net/technique/gonad_protection.htm , which sounded rather magnificent. I asked to wear one, but she declined. Compulsory attire for Germany methinks - "easy to use" and "embarrassment free", now there's a deal.
The specialist was a rather affable posh chap, who talked at speed about ACLs, scopes, scans, operations, smoothing cartillages, bone damage, incisions and all kinds. Upshot of it is: Pretty much definitely, possibly, should be a cartillage injury. I've got to have a scan which could mean a wait of a month, and then on the basis of that he'll know whether it's worth opening my knee up for keyhole surgery. Meantime, I can do 'straight leg' exercises, which surely means I can play football, no? At least if I base my game on Yr Chairman, who has the straightest legs in the RT Harris.
No football for ages, it seems. Especially if I've got to have an operation. I think I'd like to be a medieval minstrel in Germany, in full attire. What do you think? 48 days to go. |
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27 April 2006: Ebe-knee-zer good
Got the appointment for my scan through already - 'Monday week', as some people say. Good ol NHS, they don't always muck about. Til then, still pondering my ever-expanding belly, and struggling with the concept of going swimming. I'm trying to take the mature view on this - but it's just so damn hard. Swimming that is. Not only is it boring, but then you have to try to breathe regularly, without taking in huge gulps of Temple Cowley children's wee. I have bought some goggles, though, which I feel is my first step towards Duncan Goodhew-levels of athleticism. Just so long as I keep my hair.
Can't wait for May Day. Could jump off the bridge on to a shopping trolley. That might sort my knee out. 46 days to go. |
28 April 2006: Bad-knee drawn boy
 | Woo-hoo! It's Friday, it's pay-day and, having read one-man genius Boris' e-mails about Germany, I for one am more excited than a sex-starved badger presented with 1,000s of naked female badgers. Who cares that I can't play? I'll be too busy missing low-flying beers, betting on the cheating FIFA cup and chatting up Consul Weyer Earl of Yorck. And the whole of the Street surely look forward to gracing the hallowed turf of the Fleisch Stadium. We salute you Boris, you've got the best penis in Germany.
The knee gives me sporadic gip, rather like an errant badger-teen who can't stop fighting other badgers. And weasels. I have to admit that the genius knee-title comes from Yr Chairman, who I bumped in to outside Temple Cowley swimming pools. There was just enough time to chat about leeks, bagpipes, lutes (see picture) and jolly folk-men with long beards, which seems about right.
Still, great pun. If anyone can beat it, e-mail me at benjaminbeaumont@hotmail.com. There will be prizes for the best. Or at least a guided tour of Kassel and a blind sponsoring. 45 days to go. |
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2 May 2006: Knee-ds United
When I first got a knee injury I thought it was exotic. Exciting. Of-the-moment. Fashionable, even. All this talk of cruciate ligaments, torn cartillages, and keyhole surgery made me feel like I'd arrived. Anybody who was anybody had a knee injury, back in those days. It was the injury-of-choice for any up-and-coming sick-note football-wannabe.
Oh, but how times change. The humble knee injury - in all its terrific guises - has been overtaken in column inches by, you guessed it, the broken foot. You just can't move for broken metatarsals, these days. But you never got broken feet back in the old days - back then, you had newspaper for shin pads (and even that was for the poofy boys), balls filled with lead and boots made of cast iron. No question of breaking a tiny-weeny bone in your foot back then, oh no.
What is the world coming to? Is Wayne just jealous of my countdown to Germany column? And what about a 'jobs for Wayne in Germany' competition? 41 days to go.
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3 May 2006: A-knee
 | I'm thinking that my job in Germany should be the man who kicks the ball to the opposition at the beginning of every game. I can be proud and erect in the Lucky Pants (and possibly a shooting jacket from Oxfam, too) preferably with a massive German beer in my hand. I'm thinking my knee can withstand that kind of work out, and I'll look damn fine too.
Who cares about Rooney? Surely I'm as important to our quest for global domination? OK, perhaps not. 40 days to go. |
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4 May 2006: Cock-knee twat
 | Alex Cobham, you're a genius.
Mind you, is Alex coming to Germany, eh? EH? Whilst our Chairman slaves over a hot laptop, our erstwhile bearded-musketeer is twiddling his thumbs over a dissertation that has surely already taken him over 25 years to complete. Alex, get on with it and get your arse to Germany, pronto. 39 days to go. |
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5 May 2006: Springtime for Germa-knee
A huge thanks to James Burn for today's pun, am slightly ashamed I hadn't thought of it before. What's the use of a dodgy knee if you can't think of 100s of rubbish knee-puns?
Still, can't beat that sunshine, eh? I got my knee out yesterday to see if getting it sunburnt would do it any good. It seems not, which is surprising. I've been Mr Fitness this week, two swims and two gyms, and I've installed a giant Oxygen tent in my room to help the healing process. No, really. You can get them down B&Q these days.
Swimming continues to be a struggle. Had an early morning swim today and there was all manner of odd gunk at the bottom of the pool - elastoplasts a-plenty, and lots of the underwater equivalent of tumbleweed. I'm also staggered at how some people can swim for, like, two hours without ever struggling for breath. I get half away across and I'm gasping. Must be doing something wrong.
Interesting aside: a predictive text alternative to Germany is 'Hero Box'. I like that. 38 days to go. |
8 May 2006: Ben-knee hill
 | It's THE SCAN today. I wonder what they'll find. Maybe that my knees are officially knackered and good for nothing but rubbish swimming. But let's hope not. They better have some answers or they'll get it in both eyes and then again in the chest. I want this fixed pronto.
A special mention to the beautiful people at bolzwm.com. I don't know what they're saying on their homepage, but they've put a bluddy great badger on there and they've got a great song-related title to go with it, too. I love those dudes. Let's give them a World Cup to remember, eh boys?
Good ol Lee Steele, eh? I'd wondered where he'd got to on a Saturday, and then he pops up at the Kassam. 35 days to go.
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9 May 2006: Ben-knee (at a) crossroads
 | Hmmm. Not exactly the knees I'd hoped for. Turns out that it wasn't a scan yesterday. Turns out I'd been referred twice by my GP (that's what you get for pestering), so yesterday was actually the meeting with the sports specialist that I thought I'd already had. Turns out the original consultation was just with some knee-dude who didn't really care all that much. So...
Turns out that it's not my cartillage after all. Turns out that the two doctors who jabbed at my knee til I thought it would snap off think it's my cruciate ligament. This isn't such crash hot news. I still have to wait up to 4 months for the scan to confirm it, and then maybe another 4 months for an operation to mend the ligament. Christ knows how they fix a ligament, but they reckon they can.
One of the hardest things about going to the doctor is remembering and putting into words precisely what's wrong with you. What kind of pain is it? (One that hurts) Where exactly does it hurt? (In the knee) When exactly did the swelling go down? (At some point) How exactly did it happen? (Err, I fell over) Can you bend it? Does this hurt? What about this? How about THIS (Thwack!)? It's enough to make a poor boy run away to his mam.
Upshot of all this could mean no football for a long time. The nice lady doctor said that there are some (presumably insane) people who play football 'without a cruciate', but that seems to me a bit like playing with no ankles. And besides, I'm not even convinced it's definitely my cruciate, given that two doctors thought it was a torn cartillage. Best to wait for the scan. Ho hum.
So Germany's out of the question. And the start of next season. Maybe Christmas? Maybe next year's DAM? 34 days to go.
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10 May 2006: Knee-ther here nor there
 | Another pun from Mr Burn today. Well done that man. More puns to benjaminbeaumont@hotmail.com please. Talking of which, had my first piece of fan mail today...
"Benjamin,
I have just read your website.
If you would like to contact us we will send you some units to replace the ferrules that are on your crutches.
I am sure you will find life a lot more bearable and only after you are completely satisfied will we expect you to pay for them but I can guarantee that you will be amazed at the difference to your getting about.
Yours truly
Dave"
Great stuff, eh? If, like me, you're wondering what the flip ferrules are, you can see a 'B' type ferrule in the picture above. More ferrule fun here: http://www.industrial-rubber.com/rubber_ferrules.html. In the meantime, if any of you are crutch-bound, let me know and I'll tell Dave. Mind you, can't quite see how a plastic end-thingy is going to make walking on crutches any easier, but there you go.
STOP PRESS! Just taken a call from the Nuffield, they can fit me in for a scan tomorrow night. They've got me on their emergency waiting list. So stay tuned. Oh, it's an emotional rollercoaster, eh? 33 days to go. |
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12 May 2006: Sun-knee delight
 | I've had my scan! Woo hoo! What a surreal experience, though. Lying down for 30 minutes in a giant plastic tube (actually the Siemens Magnetom Symphony, pictured), whilst lasers eat away at your knee (probably), and a shuddering spaceship noise reverberates in your brain.
An unexpected bonus was being able to select music to accompany the knee-eating lasers. Not much of a selection, though. Highlights included The Very Best of Country Gold, The Perfect Chill Out Volume 3, Dido's Greatest Hits, something by that weird-faced monger Sophie Ellis Bexter and loads of poncey classical stuff. 'Anything you like?', the nice Irish man asked. 'I've got the latest Robbie Williams and Black Eyed Peas, too.' I nearly STABBED HIS FACE OUT there and then.
I eventually plumped for something by Al Green (see picture). God knows why. I rather wish I'd gone for Country Gold. Anyway, with the scan over, I need to wait again for an appointment with the 'specialist' to let me know what's what. Getting boring now, ain't it?
For those that are interested, here's good ol Dave's reply to my request for proof of his ferrules' walk-improving capabilities:
"Hi Ben,
Good to hear that you are up and running again.
The ferrules are a new type that has a ball joint incorporated in the design.
The rubber footpad stays flat and static with the ground at all times and the movement with the crutch is done through the ball joint, also there is a shock absorbing facility that takes the jarring out of the wrist, elbow and shoulder joints.
We have a website (not as good as yours) at www.stepsafe.org and if you click onto feed back you can see a few of the unsolicited comments we get every week.
Best of luck
Dave"
What a good bloke, eh? He even likes our website. 31 days to go. |
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19 May 2006: May-knee apologies
I'm SORRY. It's been AGES. I've MISSED YOU.
I've been in Barcelona this week. Quick heads up: don't walk in the centre of Barcelona with your phone, wallet and camera bulging out of every pocket, when 1,000,000 people are drunkenly celebrating a Champions League victory. Kind of attracts the thieves, would you believe.
Sweet thing is, when aforementioned thief was 'dancing' with me as a ruse to nick my (admittedly infuriating and over-complicated) phone, all I could think of was my knee. "You're hurting my knee!" I bleated, drunkenly. "I'm NICKING YOUR PHONE!" he replied, in Catalan.
Lesson learned, there, surely. I'm so excited about Germany I might explode. Trouble is, my knee seems to be getting worse. When are those scan results when I need them? 24 days to go.
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23 May 2006: Fun knee ha ha
Sorry for the more sporadic updates of late, busy times on Planet Ben. The knee, you'll be pleased to hear, is making no progress whatsoever. And I still haven't heard back from that scan. Bet Wayne Rooney isn't having to wait to hear back from the Nuffield. Don't they realise how important this is?
Germany is pant-wettingly close, now. Given that I'll be doing more 'socialising' than 'playing', I'm brushing down my German phrasebook to be sure I can communicate fully with the locals: "Wie komme ich am besten zum bahnhof?" "Ich habe eine schwester und einen bruder." "Wo sind die bushaltesteller?" Trust me, they can't get enough of all that stuff.
Saw The Observer had a Germany travel special on Sunday http://observer.guardian.co.uk/travel/0,,156054,00.html. Looking forward to a bit of the ol currywurst. Not a mention of the many 1,000s going to the Bolz, though. We'll show em. 20 days to go.
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30 May 2006: You'll knee-ver walk alone
Hmmm, particularly bad pun today. It's been too long again, and for that I can only apologise, knee-update fans. My knee is no closer to being anything better than 'OK' (and by 'OK' I mean I can walk and do really boring things like swimming and cycling, but I can't run or twist or kick or do any other crucial football-related activities). I'm also no closer to hearing back from the Nuffield about the scan, I will hound them with threatening phonecalls this week, don't you worry.
Well, Germany is within spitting distance now (not that I'd recommend something so base). And so to the Street 'happening'. Our garage band practise last Wednesday is already the stuff of legend - Ginsburg's genius twiddly-organ-playing on Light My Fire, Yr Chairman's banjo on Wonderwall, Gem's creative use of a Casio voice-recorded-keyboard, the Welsh Wizard's ferocious electric rock during A-ga-doo, Yr Chairman's bluesy saxophone on Hey Jude - people would pay good money to download these great songs on t'internet, no mistaking.
A note also about Yr Chairman's genius garage - 1 old Celtic calendar, 4 guitars, a bluddy grate organ, 1 pinball machine, 8 bongos, 1 banjo, 23 maracas, 2 kazoos, 478 beer bottle tops, 1 harmonica, 2 old casio keyboards, 1 child's drumkit with mini-stool, a hammer, a saxophone and all the love in the universe within four small walls. Can we take it all to Germany please? 13 days to go.
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1 June 2006: The knee-rly man
Congratulations to Yr Chairman for second best pun of the countdown. Cobham's still out in front with his Alan Sugar effort. Can anyone beat it before we go? That's the question on everyone's lips, isn't it? Isn't it? Your best knee-countdown puns to benjaminbeaumont@hotmail.com, please.
Finally found a job for me in Germany - hilarious and crazed, hallucinogen-fuelled gonzo-journo mong-bag. I can be the Street's Hunter S Thompson, reporting back to Blighty with frantic, breathless tales of late-night Aunt Sally, banjo mania and Argentinian love-ins. Can someone get some magic mushrooms off Scarfey?
To that end, I've written the Street's Bolz press release which we'll get off to assorted local journos and interested parties pronto. Shame I missed out on the music last night, I hear Ginsburg was our musical director, which can only be a good thing. Love his gravelly tones.
Nuffield say they're gonna send me an appointment about my scan. Hope they can make Sven's 7 June deadline. 11 days to go.
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6 June 2006: Wit-knee and District
With special thanks to Mr R J Adams of Oxfordshire for today's pun. I bring knee-news, which I'm sure will please you. I hassled "the NOC" , as it's known in sicknote-circles, and now have an appointment to see the physiotherapy department (not the whole department, one presumes, but one nice nurse would do) in... wait for it... EARLY JULY. That's a full month away, two months after my scan, roughly 2 years after I initially injured my knee. Hmf, indeed.
I think the fact I'm seeing the physio department must mean that the scan has shown up bugger all, apart from the fact that I'm a whinging numpty with perfectly healthy knees. Oh well, it's been fun along the way. I must admit i'll be disappointed not to have fiendishly complicated laser-surgery at the end of all this, but it looks like I might have to make-do with knee-thrusts, leg bending and balancing on one knee.
I'm still in training, of sorts. I've noted that cycling is easy and doesn't get you out of breath, rowing is rubbish and more boring than swimming, and those cross-trainers hurt your bum and make you look like a girl. Also, doing weights, sit ups and all of the above don't actually help with weight-loss, so my arse and love-handles are ever-expanding. Still, gives Yr Chairman something to "hang on to".
Right, Germany is nearly upon us. I'm insane with excitement about the journey alone (so long as Burner's driving is kept to a minimum). Bagsy the back-seat. 5 days to go.
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7 June 2006: Street make the kneews-papers (and the radio)
 | Phew, what a palaver. I'm fast becoming the world's most lackadaisical press officer, though I'm getting results. Of a sort. Fresh from our spirited performance on our new friend (and Yr Chairman's all-time favourite BBC Radio Oxford breakfast show presenter) Sybil Ruscoe's breakfast show (see pic), the mighty wanderin' Union Street are soon to feature in the Oxford Courier Journal (out tomorrow) and, God-willing, the Oxford Mail.
This morning truly was a celebration of all things Street. Incomprehensible ramblings about "instruments" and "web programmers", Yr Chairman doing a Peter Crouch dance live on air and Burner trying to sell his metereological wares to the good folk of BBC Radio Oxford. There was just enough time for Sybil to tell the Welsh Wizard that he was 'better looking than Frank Lampard', and me to stumble over the killer question: 'So, if you're injured you probably shouldn't be wearing flip flops?' and that was it.
I am a little worried, however, that I may have knocked the 'NOC' live on Oxford radio. I would like to say right now that the staff there have been nothing but charming, courteous, helpful and not a little gorgeous. Apart from that fella who almost made me listen to the Black Eyed Peas when I was having my scan. I just wish I knew what was wrong with my knee, that's all.
It's already been a great day in the history of the Street, and we've still got our band practice to come. Oh happy days. 4 days to go. |
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8 June 2006: Can I have a "knee" please Bob?
 | With much thanks to today's punner - our good friend Adam Smith. Looking forward to seeing you in a German bar soon Adam, dressed in a short skirt and comedy boobs.
Phew, what a scorcher, eh? I've got a right bead on. I'm so hot I can't move today. Which is just as well, as I'd be running around tearing my hair out in frustration at the NHS. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY KNEE.
Seems that my earlier Physio appointment is just that - a physio appointment with no scan-related analysis. I've now had a letter through for my scan follow-up appointment - 1 August 2006, would you believe. Alas I can't even make that, as I'm off to drink serious quantities of red wine in Italy that day, so I phoned to rearrange. Seems the next day they can fit me in is 3 OCTOBER. That's a Tuesday, in case you were wondering.
What am I to do, eh? When will I ever know what's up with my knee? Will I ever play for the Street again? Oh, woe is me. 3 days to go.
On another note, after much creative toing and froing, here's a proposed set list for the Union Street Funk Soul Glockenspiel Garage Explosion (maybe we need a better name?) in Germany: Our Theme Tune, Wonderwall, Light My Fire, Theme Tune (Reprise), Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight / You Never Give Me Your Money, Que Sera Sera, Theme Tune (Slight Return), Sweet Jane, Union Street (abridged version), Wish You Were Here, Great Balls of Fire, Hey Jude...
Blimey, we'll be playing for hours. Luckily, Ginsburg takes requests too.
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9 June 2006: Are we knee-rly there yet?
 | My new favourite newspaper: the Oxford City Journal. What a pun! What a photo! What a quote from our chief banjo player! For those that haven't seen it, get down to your local Co-op or Tesco for your FREE copy (I can't believe they don't charge for such genius journalism). Or look at our http://ukdam.schtuff.com site, it's on there together with our radio interview.
I'm told that my appearance on Fox FM was 'solid', though I fear I rather stumbled over the words "cricket stumps and Aunt Sally". And they're not a patch on Sybil 'loves Andy Davies' Roscoe. Still, almost blanket local media coverage. WE RULE THE WHOLE OF OXFORDSHIRE!
The photo shoot was fun, too. But if Richard Sale gets in the Oxford Mail I'll eat ten packs of pork scratchings in one sitting. And that photographer really didn't know what day it was. What a good lad.
You may note from my tone that I REALLY AM INCREDIBLY EXCITED ABOUT GOING TO GERMANY. This is where the good times start, knee or no-knee. 2 days to go.
PS. Actually, I've realised I won't be able to post til my return, so this is my last knee-blog. Prognosis: knee still farked but not sure how badly, should know sometime next year perhaps. Someone muttered that I might not play football for another year, but that's just crazy talk. BELIEVE!
See you soon, after our German adventure...
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8 January 2007: Weak at the knees
I've had the op. Read all about it here:
http://weakattheknees.blogspot.com/
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