Man in the Dugout reports 2000-01
New kit launched
Fixtures 2000 - 01
Your prayers please
Your Prayers Answered
Club Badge
Awards - Yes, we did win one!
2001 - 2002 - A Street Odyssey Continues
Fixtures 2001-02
Could this Be The Year? Reports 2002-03
2002-03 Fixtures and Results
Support Our Sponsors
2003-04: European Union
2003-04: Results, Fixtures
Roma Therapy
The Greatest Football Tournament in the World
2004-2005: Attack of the Minty Badgers
Street's New Training Regime
Meet the team!
Union Street's festive picture gallery!
The Union Street Awards 2004/05!
der Mann in heraus gegraben DAM diary 2005
2005-06: When badgers learn to fly
Street Talk
Knee-Jerk Reaction: Ben's Countdown to Germany 2006
Bolz WM Gonzo Diary
Pre-Seasonal Tension
2006-07: MInty Badgers Save the World
Plumbing new depths
Direkt Von Dem Dugout - Koln 2007
Union Street Awards: Season 2006 - 2007
2007-08: For a Few Seasons More
Message Board
Guestbook
Event Calendar
Mail Form
|
Plumbing new depths: barking Bartlett's Ashes diary
| Cricketing updates, plumbing FAQs and tales-from-the-scales from our rotund central-defender-in-exile. |  |
|
Welcome To The Ashes 2006
 | Tuesday 21st November 2006 - 21:01
Welcome to the Ashes diary of an englishman in Australia, over the next two months I will ease you through the highs and help you through the lows of all the action from where it's all happening.
The time for hero's is nearly here, the talking is almost done, most of which has been done by Glenn McGrath who has been in the paper everyday since I can remember, slating someone in the England camp. Perhaps someone should remind Glenn that he spent all his media time before the last ashes telling everyone that Australia would win the series 5 - 0.
One thing I have learned since my arrival is that the Aussies have a particular way in which they report sports stories. If they beat any other nation, big or small in any sport the story will be at least the second headline on the news, this comes at the expense of almost any story of national or international interest. Conversely if they lose you may never even hear the result, it will be tucked conveniently between a story about a man who discoverd a sheep with three testicles and the weather.
So, when the action finally begins, what can we expect. Well, Brisbane is likely to be the fastest pitch of the series with the most in it for the bowlers. You can Gaurantee that there will be bouncers, (particularly to Flintoff and Pietersen) more than a little swing, off breaks, leg breaks (hopefully McGrath's), a few flippers and possible more than one or two mulliegrubbers. One thing that is certain is that whoever wins the toss will elect to bat, Australia will want to have a go at Englands percieved weak attack early on and England won't want to put them under pressure. We need a good start either way and hopefully we'll get one.
I for one am very excited about the prospect of the series getting underway, particularly as i've secured tickets to 3 days of the Sydney test.
Anyway here's a few pointers to help you through my diary:
Players I will not praise under any circumstances:
Matthew Hayden, Michael Clarke, Glenn McGrath.
I'm slightly biased
and
I have to work with Australians everyday!
Well, more tomorrow including player profiles and Ashes stats. but just to get you started we'll have one player profile today.
Matthew Hayden: C*nt!
In the meantime any questions can be forwarded to unionstreet@hotmail.co.uk
Enjoy your day at work
|
|
12 Hours & counting
 | Wednesday 22nd November - 22:59
Tonight I was going to talk about statistics, but i've been to the pub and i'm fed up with statistics, that was the past, its finished, over, done. Who cares what happened years ago, most of the ashes records were set before the war when tea was still served in the middle by maids and butlers. Of all the statistics i've seen in the build up only one was set in recent history, and that was by the bloody aussies! We need to leave the past behind and look to the here and now!
However it is encouraging to know that this is the oldest australian team to play an ashes test since the bodyline tour of 1932/33, with an average age of 33. Its also encouraging to know that Flintoff and Jones have enjoyed a 6th wicket average of over 80 since they first played together. Conversely, the only two tests that the aussies have lost since the last ashes have been when Glenn McGrath didn't play and Australia have wone 29 more tests than we have. All of our players have averaged less with the bat and the ball since we last played Australia.
I will sacrifice my standing with my colleagues tomorrow to gather data for my readers as I sneak out of work to watch as much action as I can. But for you I am prepared to make that sacrifice, I'll cheer, i'll take notes and i'll damn well hang my flag in the window for all to see. I shall not let them forget that we still own this bloody island and the Queen is still on their coins. Never must another Austraian prime minister touch her sacred arse again.
I'll leave you with one piece of classic sledging i've read this week. It happened between Mark Waugh (Aus) and James Ormond (Eng)
James Ormond came out to bat and was welcomed by Mr Waugh: MW "Fuck boys, look who it is, mate what the fuck are you donig here, you're not good enough to play for England" JO "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"
And if I can leave you with one piece of advice, never fight a land war in the Middle East.
|
|
We've always been slow starters
 | Thursday 23rd November - 22:26
I'v ebee nt ot hep uba gaina ndi' mquit episse dthi stime!!
The best news of the day is that we may be able to expect to see Michael Vaughn before too long, it's well overdue and he'll be very welcome.
Not good from England today but I still remain as optomistic as I would have been pesimistic if we had have racked up almost 400 for 3. If you think it feels like its been a long day in the field, then you should have been here, after one day the Aussies surprisingly think that they've wone the ashes back already. You should have heard them in the pub "wish there were some poms here we could slate", "they didn't win it last time, we lost it".
I think i'm going to wait until Saturday lunchtime when we are 70-1 and then i'm going to the bookies to put some money on England. We were 7-1 to win the series a week ago and I can only imagine that has got longer after today.
I managed to watch about 3 hours of play in the pub today, pretty much all of which was spent shaking my head. I really thought Freddie got it wrong today and bowling 7 players on day one smells like we don't have much of a primary attack. Mostly, the pace bowlers were pretty average and the man to stand out with the ball was Pietersen who was getting alot of turn and troubling the left handers.
I still refuse to be dispondant as we haven't even picked up a bat yet!! I imagine that tomorrow we will be put into bat at about 5pm local time with the Aussies having around 600 on the board.
Excellent to see Hayden pick up just 21 as another twenty odd in the second innings may see him retain his place, LOSER!
The most disapointing thing of the day for me was the lack of passion and imagination, where were the bouncers, the quick balls and the slower balls. The fact that the first ball of the series was bowled to second slip and 9 came off the first over!
WAKE UP ENGLAND, WE NEED YOU!!
As a final note, I hope all you celtic dudes are behind the English, don't forget this lot stole sheep from your families too!
|
|
Fuck
Saturday 25th November - 00:29
|
There's Still a Chance
Monday 27th November - 06:41
Having watched pretty much every ball of the weekends action I must say I'm much happier this morning than I was on Saturday evening. We batted with confidence on Sunday and looked class for extended periods. Pietersen was awesome and Collingwood was only just behind. The disappointing thing was that Strauss, Collingwood and Flintoff gave away their wickets playing shots there was really no need to play particularly in the circumstances.
Anyway that aside, we now have a genuine chance of saving the game, thanks to the Aussies. They obviously didn't enforce the follow on in an attempt to embarrass us by winning with a huge margin. It would be very sweet if that was the eventual reason that they threw the game away. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe we can win this test but there is a chance of a draw as late rain is forecast. Still, with Pietersen at the crease Who knows what can happen, he could score the required 355 runs himself.
I also have another name to add to my list of hated players, oe Shane Warne. He's such a mouthy shit and after throwing the ball at Pietersen i've lost all respect.
Anyway, I need to go to work so I'll leave you with some optimism and more than a little hope.
|
Heavy hearted
Tuesday 28th November - 06:58
It was at around 12:40 Sydney time that the enevitable finally happened yesterday, the day started with wild optimism and thoughts of rain. However after four balls of the morning session Pitersen clipped a catch to Hussey (I think) and hopes were efectivly over. A few minutes later the ball hit a crack, kept low and Jones was bowled off the bottom of his bat. Its not a great sign for the rest of the series and somone really needs to work on the bowlers before Friday's restart.
Talk on the TV here on Sunday was that Vaughan may return for the Adelaide test and if not Perth. I have to say that I don't think that batting isn't particularly the problem and that the any changes to the team should centre around Monty. The Adelaide track suits spinners apparently, and its debatable after the last test if Giles can be squeezed into that catagory. I think that Mahmood probably deserves a go in place of Anderson as poor old Jimmy really didn't come up with the goods. Mahmood will be a bit quicker and should get a bit of swing if there is any around. That said I think it would be a great boost for the team to have Vaughan back on the pitch and the fact that he's clearly a better captain than Ponting is not up for debate.
I'm sure I don't need to go into the details of the Aussie reaction to yesterdays result, but they did seem to enjoy it.
I'm going to have to revert to writing these reports in the evening, it's not as much fun when you're sober.
|
Things That Have Bothered Me This Week
Wednesday 29th November - 01:13
I'm pissed again tonight and frankly i'm bloody bored of cricket talk for the moment, so i've decided to introduce a section in the diary entitled 'Things That Have Bothered me This Week'. To start us off i've been thining about turtles, seemingly everyone loves turtles, be they loggerhead, leatherback or as in general, f*cking rubbish! Quite how the evolutionary chain has allowed such a creature to remain in existance is beyond me.
Think about it, in their own habitat their movement is best described as pedestrian, however to reproduce they have to move out of their natural habitat onto beaches where they can only lay eggs at night for fear of drying out and dying! Add this to their eagerness to mistake carrier bags for jellyfish and I ask you is this actually the biggest waste of oxygen in the sea, and by the way who eats jellyfish anyway. I say f*uck the turtles, the're just to f*cking stupid to survive the chemical revolution, they might of been around for a million years but it looks like they spent it sat on their f*ucking arses!
By the By, nice to see Shane Watson is still injured and won't make the next test. May I also point out that despite Glenn McGrath's pretend injury when walking off at the end of the first England innings, as if to say i'm still not too old, he remains the only player to require a pain killing injection after 4 days. I say, you talk alot for a f*ucking old c*nt but none of the pain stops you getting you're head thrust firmly up your arse, wanker!!!
|
And So We Begin Again
Thursday 30th November - 21:32
Tomorrow it all begins again, a mere 4 days after it last finished. The signs for England are good, Monty looks set to start at the expence of Anderson and Harmison has apparently regained some form. Even the Australian press commented on his net session yesterday when he was apparently 'finding some bounce and hitting the bat hard'. It would be nice to see him bounce back and take 10 wickets in the match. In further good news it looks like the allegedly youthful Glenn MaGrath is a doubt with an injured foot, so in short, just days after claiming he's not to old to play a full series and with just 45 overs bowled, he injured. I know I keep going on about this but Glenn, you're too mouthy and too old, so have some self respect and f*ck off!
I've also re-discovered my hatred for Michael Slater this week, he's never got anything sensible to say, he's so one eyed its not true and he's got a massive head. Infact i'd go as far as to say that I'd sooner hear David Pleat all day!
Some of you may have seen that Michael Vaughan played his first comeback game yesterday, the major problem was that he forgot to score any runs and was back in the pavillion before his seat was cold. Would still like to see him back as his captaincy would be a big help.
So in short good luck to the boys, particularly Monty and Harmison. Lets stick it to those arrogant ba*tards and get back to 1-1.
BTW what happened to MITD? Is he out here?
|
Noses in Front?
 | Sunday December 3rd - 20:26
Well i've been away from the computer for a couple of days now and frankly i've missed you. There's been alot of action since we last spoke and it's all been positive. What a herculean effort from all the boys with the bat, incredible! Records were falling all over the place on Saturday and the perormance from Collingwood and Pietersen was quite remarkable. After all the Australian papers had been typically negative about England's first day, calling us boring and slow, the fourth wicket partnership was something else. I was personally delighted for Collingwood who has always been a personal favorite, and what a stylish shot to bring up the 200. Pietersen is just incredible, he can play shots that other players wouldn't dare attempt and I feel he may have reached 200 himself if Warne hadn't bowled so negatively to him.
Warne and McGrath both recorded their worst test figures and didn't seem to put the fourth wicket pair under any pressure at all. On a positive note for Australia Stuart Clark was very good and his figures weren't bad under the circumstances. In all I have to say that Saturday was probably one of the most enjoyable days of English cricket i've ever seen.
And so to the field and what we were all hoping for was an early wicket, in an exellent spell Flintoff provided it, a quick ball across the left handed Langer pitched outside off stump, he went fishing and caught an outside edge which was schnaffled by a diving Jones. Sunday started in much the same way and all the England bowlers were on fire. Hoggard was getting a little swing away from the right handed Ponting but Hayden was first to go, Martyn soon followed and Australia found themselves 65-3. Ponting and Hussey calmed things down and moved on after Ponting was dropped by Giles in the deep on 38. It was a difficult chance but one that Englad would rue as Ponting went on to make over one hundred more runs. Again it was Hoggard who provided the magic with the new ball, a ball on a good line moved away late and prompted Ponting to an attempted drive which he edged to Jones. Ideally another wicket was required before the close but Clarke settled quickly and Hussey looked in good touch. Hoggard again stepped up and confused Hussey who changed his mind about his shot halfway through playing it and dragged an inside edge onto his off stump, cue the celebrations! What followed was one of the worst pieces of television I have ever witnessed, at the end of Hoggards wicket taking over the commentator exclaimed "now we say goodbye to viewers in Sydney, Melbourne and Hobart" and f*ck me, that was that!! 30 minutes of play to go and they move to the news, I thought, Jesus something really f*cking important must have happened! Thinking I was about to see a major terrorist atrocity or a 9.5 earthquake, the newscaster said "We lead tonight with the story of the Labour party leadership battle which will be decided tomorrow" Excuse me!!! Firstly the Labour Party here are in opposition and if the 'battle' isn't going to be decided until tomorrow surely boring c*nts who care can wait another half an hour to see who the front runner is! Jesus Christ, this is exactly why dedicated sports channels are so sucessful, because they are exactly that, dedicated to sport!
I just wonder if Ponting had have been on 190 whether thay would have done the same thing? Extrordinary!
|
|
Defeat Snatched From The Jaws Of A Draw
Tuesday 5th December - 21:04
Almost speechless. Our recent ability to undo ourselves when in a good position is quite remarkable. I really can't believe today's events, you will have gone to bed, safe in the knowledge that the worst we could expect would be a draw. I got up with the same in mind and spent most of the morning in pretty bouyant mood.
It took just a few overs of the days play to for the bubble to well and truly burst. As the top order fell one after another the amount of overs bowled seem barely to be moving. There was a brief moment when Pietersen and Collingwood got together again that everyone was confident once again. Even the Australian commentators suggested that the early collapse was just a plan to get them back together. Sadly the confidence was extremely short lived and before we knew it we were 8 down. Strauss, to be fair was very unlucky having not got his bat anywhere near the ball and when Harmison went lbw, hawkeye showed the ball to be clearing the stumps by at least 8 inches.
So the action moved to the breakout area in the ofice and we were onto the Australian run chase, needing just over 4 an over to win we saw 10 of the first six deliveries from Hoggard. Then, again came the hope as Langer fell with the score on just 14, further hope arrived with the removal of Hayden, 33-2, it's on! Ponting and Hussey then stabilised and moved on to 60 odd, at which point I thought, F*ck this shit, i'm not sitting here for the next hour with this lot taking the piss out of me, i'm going to the gym, and thats exactly what I did. I arrived just in time to catch the last couple of overs and the final humiliation, I lifted alot of weights after that and gritted my teeth alot.
In short, I don't think Freddie's the man, too much pressure and it's getting to him, he looked knackered and gutted in the last few overs and i'm convinced that the shot of him will make the back pages tomorrow. Bring back Vaughan, don't care if he got a duck in his first game back, he's an excellent captain and he'll let Freddie do what he does best. Giles, Jesus good job we had him batting at 8 today not Monty, no runs and match figures of 2-149. Awesome! Jones too, put in ahead of Read for his batting scored a match winning combined score of 11.
How ever bad you're feeling today, at least you don't have to go to work in Australia tomorrow!!
|
Slow Going
Monday 11th December - 20:38
There's not been a great deal heppening in the cricket world in the last week and thoughts have turned to other things. There's alot of talk in the papers here about Michael Vaughan's position which is less than clear. He figured in a game at the weekend alongside a large slice of the team that played the last test. It was a bit of a farce really as it was a two innings game that was condensed into 2 days. The Western Australia team batted first and posted 322-8 (I think), this took over a day and England in reply finished on 340 something for 4. There was a century for Cook and 88 for Strauss, Vaughan was carded to bat at 4 but didn't figure as Jones, Reid and Giles batted ahead of him.
Not really sure why we played with two wicket keepers or even who played behind the stumps. Suffice to say the difference with the bat was clear as Jones finished with a first ball duck, whilst Reid managed 59 not out. Maybe that will see a change for the third test but i'm not going to get excited.
Not alot else happening here really. its all gone very quiet. There's a good storm going on at the moment with loads of lightning. I also learned over the weekend that in this country you need alot of sun protection even when its not sunny, I spent Saturday at an overcast beach but got sunburn, the pain from which seems only to be able to be controlled by steroid cream, f*cking painful.
I'll be back tomorrow with the next installment of things that have been bothering me this week - have a good day
|
Christmas Down Under
 | Tuesday 12th December - 21:21
The thing thats been bothering me this week is the fact that Christmas just isn't the same on the other side of the world. Sure, there's shitty tinsel and Father Christmas is doing the rounds at shopping centres, but something just isn't right, infact alot of things aren't right. They put up the Christmas tree in the main square in town a few weeks ago whilst the temperature was over 30 degrees. Whats more the tree is plastic, now, i ask you what sort of country has a plastic chrismas tree in its main square! Well, the same country that allows 8 greyhounds in a race that you can bet on without leaving the comfort of the pub!
I haven't been out for a Christmas drink yet, even with work, two years ago I was out getting smashed every working day in December, just what is wrong with these people. Two weeks ago they had the opportunity to name their 'Australian Idol' (ie pop idol) and they chose an Irishman, f*ck sake.
What I need is some familiarity, some chestnuts, people getting pissed, dark nights, some f*cking rain, anything! The most sacreligious event so far was first mentioned only this evening, when I asked my better half what the plan for Christmas dinner was, she said ' I don't know, probably fish and chips at the beach' Ok, lets just stop there a minute, Christmas dinner, fish and chips, are you f*cking serious. My predeliction for fish and chips is well known throughout the south of England, but on the 25th, extrodinary! Needless to say I won't be eating fish and chips on christmas day, even if that means packing my own Christmas dinner and taking it to the beach with me in a lunch box! I am however looking forward to our very British plan to smuggle beer on to the beach on Christmas day. In Australia you can't take beer to the beach at anytime let alone Christmas day, just in case you get drunk, its Christmas what the f*ck do they expect us to do, tw*ts! We intend to dig a bloody great hole in the sand on Christmas eve, hide a crate of lager and then dig it up on the day, bingo! It's a crazy scheme but it might just work, and lets be honest if the the prisoners of war in the great escape had listened to their girlfriends negative ramblings about how the plan would 'never work' we'd all be speaking German! Girls, they smell nice but they've got no bloody idea!
Love to you all readers!
|
|
Hey Now, Hey now, Don't Dream, It's Over.
Tuesday 19th December - 23:41
Appologies readers for the lack of recent posts, but high level IT issues at this end have hampered progress. I can now assure you that the Chrismas tree lights are on a multi socket and the modem is once again connected to a power supply!
I can't really say too much that hasn't probably been said a hundred times in the last 24 hours, but disappointment is the currently the order of the day. After another good start we fell apart and continued the form where we simply cannot perform for more than one day in a test. frankly it's f*cking irritating and i'm starting to get the shits with having to listen to all the Aussies banging on about how f*cking great they are. The talk now has turned to the 5 - 0 whitewash, and I don't just mean the Aussie man on the street, its in the papers, on the TV, they just don't shut up, ever!
The worst thing I find is the adopted Aussies, they're even worse than the natives, blabbing on and taking the pis despite not actually being Australian at all, I actually really hate it, it makes me incandescent with fury, but in true British style, I don't let it show.
I was asked recently if we lost and we couldn't beat them, would I join them. This was obviously a question asked by someone who dosen't know me at all! I would never support Australia in any sporting event again, infact I hope they never win another game of any type, at all, ever!
|
Warne Out!
Thursday 21 December - 22:46
I'm sure you must be aware by now that earlier today Shane Warne announced his retirement from test cricket after the current series. This has of course caused a sensation in this part of the world and the adulation has been incredible. All the talk is of Warne being the best cricketer the world has ever seen. So, is it true, is Warne the best cricketer the world has ever seen, you'll be surprised to hear that I have my own opinion on this particular subject. My opinion is that Warne is not the best cricketer the world has ever seen and I would describe him as, Drug Cheat, Wife Cheat, Hair Cheat! This does not even include the admission that he and Mark Waugh took money from a Pakistani bookmaker and his constant over appealing. Another example of Warne's behaviour involves an altercation with a 15 year old boy who had taken a picture of him smoking, this was shortly after Warne had signed a lucrative deal with an anti smoking campaign.
How can a man with such a reputation for dishonesty and dishonour be championed as the greatest sportsman a country has ever seen. I ask, would this happen in any other country on earth, and frankly I would have to say it wouldn't. It seems that this is where the desire to win at all costs prevails over all decency and moral standing.
I'm having none of it, i've been making my moral stand already and giving it to them. I can't wait for him to retire, infact it's about a month too late as far as i'm concerned. Hopefully McGrath will f*uck off too and tthe two aging openers and wicket keeper, where will they be then, eh, in the shit hopefully!
In conclusion: Shane Warne - incredibly talented bowler, shit man!
|
Jimmy Couldn't Fix It For Me
Friday 12th January - 14:26
Well readers its been a while since we last interacted on this most wonderous of formats, the interweb. I appologise for my recent lack of posts but will put this down to a number of reasons including but not exclusive to, rubbish cricket, Christmas and New Year, house guests and the hardest of all practices, getting back into work.
Now, since we last spoke i've been to three days of Ashes cricket, days one and four of the fifth test and the recent twenty 20 debacle. The one thing that I have learnt in this time is that Aussie supporters are, notto put too fine a point on it, arseholes! They are probably the worst sports supporters the world has ever seen, and by some distance. I'll start with the 'Fanatics', if there's one thing these people are not, it's fanatical, amoungst the worst songs and singing i've ever heard. They had one chap dressed as a caveman and to his credit he tried to get the rest of them going all day, with absolutely no joy what so ever. They had a stupid song that revolved around the days of the week and doing a little pirouette on the spot and their national anthem, which incidently according to a survey 60% of Australians don't even know the name of let alone the words. After about 10 minutes of the stipid turning around song the Barmy Army piped up from about twenty yards away. This shut them up almost immediately and they all sat down in their stupid yellow tee shirts. This infuriated the caveman who tried desperately to revive their singing with a rendition of the imaginatively named tune "all pommies are wankers" now, the words to this ditty are about as imaginative as the title, you just sing the title until you're bored or can't be heard above the noise of the Barmy Army, which generally seemed to be in the region of 15 or 20 seconds. The Barmy Army songs by contrast were highly imaginative and extremely funny, my particular favorite was equally sort of words but singing "your next Queen is Camilla Parker-Bowles" to the theme of Yellow Submarine had a sublime humour and a good deal of irony to it, qualities sadly lacking in the majority of the Australian population. I can't speak highly enough of the effort and support given by the Barmy Army, they were superb at all times, their only issue is that at times they're a little cleaky and won't sing unless Jimmy is involved.
Then after the disappointment of teh tests we moved on to the disappointment of the twenty 20, we were pretty awful that day and the unfortunate thing about the seating arrangement was that the BArmy Army appeared to have been split up, this obviously meant less singing. The Aussies then attempted to sharpen their wit, it failed. I actually had to move forward in my seat to avoid having to hear the twat behind me make a comment after every ball faced by and Englishman, he was probably the most obnoxious person i've ever had the misfortune to sit near at any event be it sporting or not. I'm sure that if I had been drinking then I would have punched his fu*king stupid face in. The reason I wasn't drinking was that the Aussies were so badly behave during the last new years test against the South Africans, the authorities had banned full strength beer, forcing people to dring 2% lager that would struggle to get Burner drunk. So a quite embarrasing situation for them really, not only are they the worst supporters in the world, but their not even allowed to drink beer in their own stadiums. In summation a total bunch of cu*ts!
|
This page has been visited  times. |
