THE DAM HEROES

Chris Clarke - Scout Badger Chris showed commendable assertiveness as he chucked some old woman out of his seat on the Eurostar just for the hell of it, as he had always intended sitting somewhere else anyway. Happy to assay the lie of the land at any opportunity, whether to seek taxis in Cologne, cafes in Brussels, or to lead the ascent of Cologne's cathedral for a viewof most of Germany. Spatial awareness in the midfield. Dan Hayward - Wee Dan Badger Dirty dancing DAM virgin Dan wowed the crowd on Friday night with his table dancing antics. Perhaps his enthusiastic synchronised pelvic thrusts with Macka accounted for his lack of sharpness on Saturday. Threw himself into the action with gusto at all times, but scored only the once from open play. Cool under pressure during the Pelmke penalty fiasco though. Danny Kavanagh - Handsome Badger First aider babe magnet Danny was the surprise high scorer of the tournament on and off the pitch. Whether rescuing damsels in distress, attracting feminine attention without even trying, or thwacking the ball unceremoniously into the top corner of the Kosmos Ost net, this erstwhile goalkeeper showed the eyes on the prize that would make a tom cat sit up and take notice. Gem de Silva - Camping/Party Badger Lovely, soft-haired Gem, despite no formal language training, forged a firm relationship with Enrico through the medium of hoarse laughter. This almost led to disaster when he was 'Enricoed' during the Grasshoppers game. Laughed hoarsely, played with a bad ankle, danced with a bad ankle, and still got it together to sort out the camping fees. Giovanna - Mamma Badger An oasis of calm in a weekend of chaos, Giovanna was a shining example to women everywhere that you can 'have it all'. Combined childcare with chilling; football support with hibernation in a manner that convinced several daddy badgers of the viability of a 'family holiday' in Freiburg. James Burn - Driver Badger The weather forecasts of the heroic 'drive-anywhere' James may have lacked any degree of certainty, but the same could not be said for his unstinting firmness on the pitch. Loved everybody, was loved in return, blagged his way into exclusive ethnic markets, and benefitted from the calming influence of brother Matty. Not that that could prevent more night-time micturations, sadly. Jan Holloway - Factotum Badger Dance of Dove creator Jan was 'Mr Fixit' for the team. Anything you wanted, he could get. His stopover on the way in Amsterdam was in some way connected. Make-up skills came to the fore on Friday evening, preparing for our grand entry. His early departure was as sad a loss as his late arrival was welcome, and in between he kept the team focussed on the important things: good food, fine wine, and falling over. Keith Birnie - Chairo Badger Crowd-surfing shanty-singing banjo-playing crowd-pleaser Keith dedicated his weekend to representing the team with a range of formal wear. This 'style over substance' approach carried over onto the pitch, as he strolled through the games less like Bobby Moore and more like Bobby Davro. His encouragement of the rotund Boris to jump off a speaker on to him on Sunday night was thankfully not acted upon. Macka Mackintosh - Mr Lover Badger Body building poseur Macka promised much with his displays of pecs, biceps, quads etc on Friday night, but could not hit form on Saturday, as he was continually robbed of the ball by Kosmos Ost defenders like taking candy from a baby. His successes vis-a-vis the ladies came rather late on Sunday in the 'Festzelt', teaching willing madchens the language of love. His top trumps were a sensation. Mark Ginsburg - Tactics Badger Surely the most helpful and self-sacrificing badger of the weekend. He went out of his way to buy non-alcoholic Malz beer. He took Steve to one side to give him a full induction into the team. He refereed every game he could, including some of ours. He led an engrossing tour of Cologne's hidden treasures. Missed getting on stage for the badger hibernation having been seduced by Mother Rhine, but made it in time to witness the show. No poncho, but the fedora was much in evidence. Martin Scarfe - Slow Badger Had the slowest journey, got presented with an old sock for being really old, hobbled up to take a penalty, and muscled in on Mark's referreeing territory. The Farmer's knee may have been playing up, but he still managed a comedy penalty and staggered on to the stage at least three times. Matty Burn - Badger Badger The discovery of the DAM. Invented a new badger dance, played like a demon, invented the badger hibernation, took penalties blindfold, and still managed to cope with his brother's nocturnal emmissions. His blindfold penalties against Pelmke were perhaps the most hilarious moments of the entire weekend, which is saying something. Mini Murphy - Mini Badger Surely the cutest pair of gnashers of the weekend, unless you count Matty Burn's badger grimace. Brought out the sensitive side of the lads, made James homesick, ate Keith's glasses case. Surely one for the future. Neil Murphy - Family Badger Still running around like a badger on speed on the pitch and talking like one off it. Has embraced fatherhood like an old glove. Walked around like someone who looked like Neil Murphy, and indeed was Neil Murphy. Steve Monaghan - Dusseldorf Badger from Leeds Our lovely bloke/ringer courtesy of Axel claimed Dusseldorf is alright apart from the Germans. When he first arrived in Germany he witnessed a group of German punks waiting patiently at a pedestrian crossing in a deserted crossing at 3 in the morning for the lights to change. Star striker of the Dusseldorf leagues netted only once for us, but it was probably down to the lack of service. Possibly slightly disappointed he had to play for us rather than Sohne der Mutter Stuart Mozley - Bear Badger/Spirit of the Badger Stamped his authority on the opening ceremony with his bugle mastery and statuesque man-mountainness. Colossus of the defence who ran around covering Keith's ass without complaint. Collected and retained the Big Red Plastic Bear Award for best team off the pitch, and cared for said bear like a father for a child on the way home. Was this a sign of the Mini Murphy influence claiming its next victim? IT WAS A DAM FOR: Travel Trainers - (Gem, Keith, Chris, Stu, and Jan) Smooth and relaxed, these boys surely had the most civilised introduction to the DAM. Travelling in comfort and considerable style, arriving before everyone else except the Dude, they carried their easy-going approach on to the pitch. Fliers - (Jan, Matty, Neil, Giovanna, Mini, Mark, and Jan) A mixed bag perhaps, but sharing a love for travelling fast and striking hard, an approach which they carried on to the pitch. Coaches - (Martin) A journey of 437 hours did not in any way slow down the Kidlington legend, his mode of travel reflecting his contributions from the sidelines that the team carried on to the pitch. Drivers - (James, Steve) Men on a mission, these target-focussed individualists carried their approach on to the pitch. Passengers - (Dan, Danny, Macka) It would be unfair to say that their lack of activity on the journey was carried on to the pitch. Caravanners - admittedly not strictly part of the team, these venerable english tidy campsited dwellers were notable for carrying their own cordless drill, having a special plate for covering up the place where their towbar had been removed while on site (presumably for reasons of health and safety and general neatness), and waggling their caravan about in a seemingly aimless manner. Thankfully didn't carry their caravan on to the pitch. Culture Tours of Cologne - Death or Chocolate: the choice was yours. World's biggest party shop - those volks sure know how to party 'Birth of the Badgers' - Last team out of the hat on Friday night, the only one permitted up on stage, returned the honour with a performance of breathtaking beauty, meaninglessness and genius. Unknown Pleasures - Our new 'friend' Michael George's repeated invitations to the Pasha club. "So what do you want to do? Do you want to stay here and watch Coronation Street or do you want to get yourself some [clenches his fist and draws it backward and forward in a Pfingsten kind of a way] - you know?" Ideas Rubbish Ones - Weird ticket system for beer - What's wrong with hard cash? German organisation gone mad. Human table football - Not as good as the real thing, either way. Finger Hakeln in Bavaria - which involves pulling your adversary's finger until one of you is dragged over the table. Erotic or what? Great Ones - The Badger Dance The Birth of the Badgers The Hibernation of the Badgers Clapometer democracy Betong Union hosting the DAM. They did a great job. Friendship Boris - Tart-Twat extraordinaire. Lovable drunken rogue. Married off now, which will please his aunties. Enrico - Communicated entirely through special effects noises and hoarse laughs. Surely a reincarnated Marx Brother. Fabian - Comeback of the week. From his sitting down to have a chat mid-game to his genuine love of humanity, this man once more demonstrated his return to Streetness. Claudia AKA Mrs Dude - Surely Street's biggest fan. Kept the faith when all others had lost theirs. The Taxi Driver - Informative, friendly, helpful: almost forgot to charge us. Steffen - Baffled all with his love of Lionel Richie's ouevre - until they were as drunk as he was. It all makes perfect sense. Sohne der Mutter/Schwarmende Schwester - Spoiled us rotten on Thursday night. Partied all night every night and got to the semi-finals - where do they get their stamina? Dude - the first person we saw at the campsite. What joy. The Egg Lady - Stopped Jan from tucking into a raw egg for breakfast just in time. The Waitress Lady - Understood what Keith wanted on Saturday night merely by looking through his eyes. Bonn Square Dude - Somehow made his way from Bonn Square to the DAM, according to Jan. Who were we to argue? Pelmke - sacrificing our game to the greater good, taking daft penalties, presenting us with voodoo frogs, joining us on stage for hibernation. Grasshoppers - what is there left to say about these old losers. Still they beat us. Kosmos Ost - Lovely pennant, the only team we beat, or fancied Music Lowlands Away - Es war ein DAM in Kolner Stadt Lowlands, Lowlands Away My John Es war ein DAM in Kolner Stadt Lowlands Away Wir trunken Bier, und jetzt sind satt Lowlands, Lowlands Away My John Wir trunken Bier, und jetzt sind satt Lowlands Away Bis nachsten Jahr, wir schlafen ein Lowlands, Lowlands Away My John Bis nachsten Jahr, wir schlafen ein Lowlands Away Say You, Say Me From the wall behind of down La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Italiana Allee, Allee, Allee, Allee Shanties Vanilla Muffins Betong Union, of course. Alcohol Kolsch Bier Thursday Night Prosecco To Go Friday Night Grappa Beer in plastic bottles. Mark's Schnaps Football PDB (Pre Badger Dance) Compost Connection 1 Union Street 0 Balltanzer Bielefeld 0 Union Street 0 Roter Stern Bremen 2 Union Street 0 PDB (Post Badger Dance) Kosmos Ost 0 Union Street 3 (Wee Dan, Danny, og) Partysahne Kassel 0 Union Street 0 Grasshoppers Wasserturm Osnabruck 1 Union Street 0 Dynamo Windrad 2 Union Street 2 (Steve, Danny) Pelmke All Stars 4 Union Street 2 (after only 12 penalties per team) (Gem, Wee Dan) Quotes "They even had a Bear in the Air" "Forever is not long enough" "I'll just nip to the cocklet shop" "Pobol y Cwm" "I held the ball with my balls" "Your Pleasure is My Business" "Tipo" "Are you here as artists or footballers?" "Both" "It does exactly what it says on the tin" "I'll have a pint of meths with a vanilla essence top, please" "Hrubesch" "Eye of the Tiger, Macka" *********************************************** The Verdict Having started as hot favourites with their lowest-ever average age and star striker from Dusseldorf, Street descended into football mush on Saturday after Friday night's artistic triumph. Things only improved after Matty Burn's introduction of the pre-game badger dance ("Badgers - show your badger teeth!"). From then on it was all about mixing love with football. Groovy games against Grasshoppers and Dynamo in a Sunday group made in heaven, topped off with an impromptu penalty shoot out that made you laugh till you shat, at least in Scarfey's case. The finale on Sunday night raised the roof, and we were deservedly awarded 'Best Team Off the Pitch' - at least we don't have to organise a DAM next year...