Back catalogue: motivational topics covered in prematch huddles
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This old couple have been together for years and years, always remained faithful, never a cross word between them, and they go out for a quiet celebration meal to mark their 65 birthdays, and 50 years together. As they're eating a fairy appears on the table and explains that she can grant them both one wish, because they've been an inspiration with their lack of arguments and their faithfulness. The wife thinks for a little while and says, "Well, I've always wanted to go on a long world cruise with my husband, just the two of us, because that would be so romantic." The fairy waves her wand and the tickets are sitting there on the tablecloth. She turns to the husband. "What about you?" she asks. "Well," says the husband, "I'm sorry darling but I've always had a desire to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy is disappointed and tells the man that she thinks he's out of order but a wish is a wish - so she waves her wand and turns him into a 95 year old man.
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These two old blokes decide they're getting on a bit and they fancy one last night out on the town. So they go out drinking, and decide to end the evening at the local brothel. They turn up at the door and ask for two girls, but the madam tells her assistant that she's not going to waste two of her girls on those two decrepit old specimens, and says to get two inflatable dolls and put them in two rooms, and keep the lights turned down low. So the two old blokes go up to the rooms and afterwards they're walking home, comparing notes. You know, says the first bloke, I think my girl was dead. She never said a thing, never uttered a noise, didn't kiss me back or anything. You were lucky, says the other bloke, I think my girl was a witch. Why's that? asks his mate. Well, he says, I was just getting friendly, gave her a playful little bite as you do, and she farted and flew straight out of the window.
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This drunk was staggering along by the river when he chanced upon a priest baptising some people and stopped to watch. The priest called him over. "Do you want to find Jesus?" he asked the drunk. "Yes," slurred the surprised drunk and he reeled down to the bank of the river. The priest immersed him in the water, and stood him up.
"Did you find Jesus?" he asked. "No!" declared the drunk, so the priest held him under the water again, this time a little longer. When he pulled the drunk from the water he asked, "Did you find Jesus?" and again the drunk shouted, "No, I didn't!"
The priest got a bit concerned, as this had never happened to him before, so he held the drunk under the water for fully 30 seconds, until the drunk started kicking his legs and flailing hi arms. Bringing him out of the water for a third time, the priest asked, "Did you find Jesus this time?" And the drunk screamed back at him, "No, are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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This woman goes running into a police station shouting, "I've been raped, and it was two policemen". The desk constable looks alarmed and tries to calm the woman down. "Are you sure they were policemen?" he asks soothingly. "Yes!" snaps the woman. "Well," he says, "how can you be sure they were coppers then?" "Because I kept screaming rape! rape! but it STILL took them 24 hours to come."
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Two bags of sick are walking down the road, and one of them starts to cry. "What's the matter, mate?" asks the other one. "Oh, I can't help it," says the first one. "I always burst into tears when I'm in this part of town. You see, I was brought up around here."
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The three Wise Men were travelling on their camels, following the bright star hanging in the sky. For day after day, week after week, they followed this star through hill and dale, woodland and desert, all the time knowing that they were on a quest to seek the one true lord. One night they came to a village and, in the distance, they saw a soft glow coming from a building, and they could hear a heavenly choir singing softly. They looked at each other and exchanged smiles, because they were sure that they had achieved their quest of finding the one true lord. As they approached this building they could see that the soft light was streaming through the open upper half of a stable door, and the heavenly choir sounded closer than before.
They alighted from their camels and took from the saddlebags their gifts of gold, frankincense and myrhh, all contained in precious and ornate boxes. They stood at the door of the stable, drinking in the wondrous sight that was in front of them. Angels and cherubs were flitting from stable rafter to stable rafter, cattle were lowing in one corner of the stable, and sheep and goats were bleating. At the back of a vast expanse of freshly-laid, clean straw, the Wise Men could see the family group of Mary and Joseph who were stood smiling, with haloes around their heads. Immediately in front of them lay an infant in a manger, wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying peacefully watching the angels above him. The three Wise Men exchanged another knowing smile, and nodded sagely to each other. The first one opened up the stable door and, holding his gift of gold aloft and to one side, so as not to interrupt his view of the one true lord, he started to glide across the freshly-laid straw towards the infant.
About half-way across the floor, the Wise Man steps on a rake and the handle comes up and WHACK! hits him slap bang on the forehead. The gold goes flying every which way through the air and the Wise Man drops to his knees, clutching his head and screaming "Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!"
And Mary looks up and says, "Oh, that's ever such a nice name, we were going to call him Barry, or Gary."
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This woman is walking along the beach when she looks down and sees an old lamp lying there. She picks it up and rubs it, and out whooshes a genie. "I can grant you a wish," he says. The woman thinks a minute, then says, "You know, I've always fancied owning my own oil well, and I love this part of the country, so I wish for an oilwell right here in my own back garden."
The genie calls up a map of the area and shakes his head. "The geological formations are not good and I don't think I can do that one," he says. "Is there anything else?"
The woman thinks again, then says, "Well, I've always wanted a man who'll do the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning, treat me with respect, be a considerate lover, put the toilet seat back down, that sort of thing." The genie frowns and shakes his head even more.
"God," he says, "let's take another look at that map ......."
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Two terrorist women are out clothes shopping in the Tora Bora Mall. One comes out of the changing room to show her friend a new dress she's trying on. "Does my bomb look big in this?" she asks.
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A polar bear goes into a pub. "What can I get you?" asks the barman. "I'll have a pint of .................................... lager," says the polar bear. "Why the big pause?" asks the barman. "Dunno," says the polar bear, "they've always been this size."
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Hunchback and Pegleg are out drinking with their mates & Hunchback says he's starting work early in the morning & he's going. He sets off for home & decides to take a short cut through the churchyard. As he's walking past the headstones a little demon jumps out of the darkness & squats on one. "Hello," says the demon. "Hello," says Hunchback, a little worried. "Got a hump?" asks the demon. "Yes," stutters Hunchback. "I'll have it then," snaps the demon, picking the hump off Hunchback's back. Hunchback's utterly amazed & rushes back to the pub to tell his friends, shouting "I'm cured!"
He bursts into the pub & breathlessly goes through the whole thing: "Walking - churchyard - demon - took hump. Pegleg, why don't you go & see if he can cure your peg-leg?" So, leaving Hunchback with a drink to recover from his shock, Pegleg goes stumping off down the road & into the churchyard. Sure enough this little demon jumps out onto a headstone as he walks along. "Hello," says the demon. "Hello," replies Pegleg, all knowing, and grinning from ear to ear. "Got a hump?" asks the demon. "No," stutters Pegleg, confused. "Here," snaps the demon, "have this one then!"
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This kind grey-haired old gentleman is out walking in the woods one fine day and as he walks alongside a stream he sees a frog sitting on a rock, which doesn't hop away as he passes by. He bends down and looks more closely at the frog, as it appears to be saying something.
The frog looks up at him and says, "Oh, thank you, kind gentleman, for stopping to hear me speak. You see, many years ago a wicked witch put a curse on me & turned me into a frog, & the only way the curse can be lifted is if a kind gentleman like yourself will take me home and spend the night in the same room with me."
The kind grey-haired old gentleman decides to take the frog home & puts it gently on his pillow, & goes to sleep. The next morning when he wakes up he sees a beautiful golden-haired boy of about eight sleeping peacefully in the bed next to him.
And that, m'lud, concludes the case for the defence.
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William Shakespeare goes into a bar in Stratford upon Avon and the barman takes one look at him and says, "Get out, your bard".
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A bloke goes into a pub and sees his mate Vincent van Gogh sitting at the bar. He goes up to him and says, "Hi, Vince, can I get you a drink?" and Vincent van Gogh replies, "No thanks, mate, I've got one 'ere."
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Smartie and Quality Street Toffee Penny are sitting at a bar talking about how tough they are. "I'm hard on the outside, but I'm really soft on the inside," says Smartie. "I'm hard through and through," says QS Toffee Penny. Then the pub door opens & QS Toffee disappears into the toilet before the newcomer can see him. The newcomer buys a bottle of wine to take out & leaves, & QS Toffee comes back to the bar. "You were scared," mocks Smartie, "I thought you were hard to the core?" And QS Toffee says, "Yeah, but that was Locket, he's MENTHOL."
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A bloke goes to a nightclub wearing two car jump leads around his neck. The doorman looks hard at him and says, "I'm going to let you in, but don't start anything."
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Two women are talking, and one asks, "Does your t*at twitch after sex?" and the other one says, "No, he turns over and goes back to sleep."
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A bloke goes into a pub with a steering wheel sticking out of the zip on his trousers and asks for a pint. The barman puts his drink on the bar & says, "Why have you got a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers like that?" and the bloke says, "Oh, it's driving me nuts."
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The seven dwarves were in the bath and they all felt Grumpy. Then Grumpy got out and they all felt Happy.
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A bloke phones the NHS incontinence helpline in great distress. "I'm on holiday and I've run out of incontinence pads and I don't know the area," he says. "It's OK mate," says the helpline operator, "just calm down and tell me where you're ringing from."
"Well," blusters the bloke, "from the waist down......."
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This bloke goes out drinking and sinks 15 pints. On the way home he realises he is starving hungry and goes into an Indian takeaway where he orders a curry, but he racially abuses the staff and really winds them up, and they throw in the hottest spices and curry powder they can find. The bloke gets the curry home & opens the trays, then realises he's desperate for a leak, and rushes off upstairs.
When he comes back down the curry and rice has all disappeared, but his cat is sitting on the kitchen floor, licking its paws. The bloke is so angry & grabs the cat, takes it out the back door, dumps it in his wheelie bin & fills the bin with a hosepipe.
He goes back indoors, feeling sorry for himself & wondering what he's got to eat, when there's a knock on the back door. He opens it & it's the cat flapping its paws in front of its mouth, rasping, "Got any more water, chief?"
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Jesus is walking through Nazareth and in the distance he sees a group of women and as he approaches he sees they are getting ready to stone one of their number. He walks into the middle of the group and holds up his hands saying, "Peace, sisters, peace. Why do you wish to stone this woman?" And the cry goes up, "She's an adulterer!"
Jesus raises his hands to the sky again to regain quiet and says, "Sisters, she among you, who is totally without sin, let HER cast the first stone." Then this little grey haired old woman pushes to the front, picks up a massive rock and lobs it at the victim. Jesus looks up to the heavens and says, "Mother, sometimes you REALLY make me sick."
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When Gary Glitter's computer was taken away and his arrest was on the cards, he got home one night to find his girlfriend packing.
"What's going on?" he said. "I'm leaving you, cos the press all say you're a paedophile," she replies.
"Ooooh," mocks Gary, "that's a big word for a ten-year-old."
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The parish church organises a trip onto Dartmoor for its pensioners and on the day they all gather at the vicarage & board the coach. The driver sets off, throwing the passengers all over the place, screaming through the country lanes at 60 mph. The vicar, laughing with the excitement of the journey, staggers back through the coach and sits down next to a terrified looking 80-year-old.
"Some speed, eh, Mrs Jones?" he cried, "Some speed!"
And Mrs Jones looks sideways at him and says, "I don't know about the others, vicar, but I certainly have."
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