After the game they were so annoyed they guzzled the sausage and chips they were offered in ten seconds flat (fastest some of them had moved all afternoon) and cleared off back to Okehampton. Shame, really, I would've loved to have said goodbye.

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14 December 2003
HOME, HOME TO THE RANGE(RS)

OK, it's December. The season of rain, snow, dark nights closing in early, right? WRONG. Beautiful day, temperature in excess of 10C, sun at eye level, stopping you seeing the ball in the air. Pitch soft but great for playing on.

We did OK for large parts of the game, passing well, operating as a team. Ness dropped a gooly, well, the ball actually, & we were one down. She denies her hair got in her eyes. The second half was another 45 minutes of battling, but Rangers packed another two past us so we ended up losing 3-0.

Lucy took Gromit home, in spirit if not in fact. Macca seems to be holding him to ransom at the moment. Noddy went back home with Ness, and she didn't even drop him when the presentation was made.

The post match went quite well. Rangers stayed & helped us try to clean the Galmpton bar out of alcohol. John Asher from Rangers provided some cakes and mince pies for the food selection ("Just a gesture"). However Galmpton didn't rise to the occasion and do a 'Sherbourne Ladies' by swooping onto the Christmas comestibles and eating the bloody lot, without allowing the away side a crumb-in. (Just ask ex-Rangers player Lee if you want the full story).

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7 December 2003
DISTANT TOILETS 1-0 GALMPTON UNITED

Travelling with the luxury of a full team, and even enough walking registered players for a sub, we excitedly piled into the school cloakroom that serves as the changing accommodation at Salmon Pool Lane. This time one of the naked light bulbs was working - wait a minute, not naked any more, they've added mock crystal lampshades this year. Sadly the heating has had to wait another 12 months. Maybe if we wait long enough I can donate my winter heating allowance.

Once Uni had determined which pitch we were allocated we warmed up (hah, impossible, it was bloody freezing) & took to the field. By half time the score was 4-0 after 45 minutes of mostly defending. Unfortunately the thorny bushes and slightly whiffy pitchside ditch didn't appeal to Julie, who undertook the half-mile round trip to effect immediate alleviation of her urgently ongoing relief requirement situation. Actually on reflection I think the ditch was cleaner than the toilet facilities in the cloakroom. We all hoped it was mud in the pans but, anyway, moving on.

There was a lot of defending going on in the second half, but Exeter Uni only managed one more goal & we finished up 5-0 to the team that beat both Dawlish & Central in the last two weeks. On a positive note we played much better as a team, with a bit more confidence creeping into our play. And on a personal note I managed to stagger through 75 minutes & get substituted without injury forcing it. Whoopidoo.

And whilst being personal may I say Happy Birthday Frank. Despite the fact you spent your 69th birthday playing rugby with the other egg-chasers, without your input I would never have taken up football, or even thought of insisting on a No. 3 shirt all the time.

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23 November 2003
TACTICS R (MOST OF) US

It's OK, we're still here. After our scheduled week off last Sunday, we got an unexpected second idle Sunday. North Molton failed to get enough players to play us, meaning we'll have that trip to look forward to sometime in the New Year.

Instead we met at the Galmpton ground and put into practice some of the points discussed at Tuesday's tactics discussion. Who would have thought a large flat piece of polystyrene and some different-coloured push pins could have been so useful? It was a very good session and shame on you, those who would have been there for the match, but didn't think their team-mates were important enough to come along to a rare outdoor team session instead.

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9 November 2003
ONLY 13? IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO??
Despite losing another of the back four - Sharon suffering from flu - which meant the midfield got re-arranged, again, this time we held Dawlish to only 13. Are we getting better, then?
Dawlish scored in the first five minutes, and kept the goals coming fairly regularly. Despite the scoreline, Galmpton were trying to play football & not just hoof it as far upfield as possible. Three Dawlish spectators then decided it was perfectly in order to seek shelter from the rain in the HOME dug-out & got completely out of order when invited to leave immediately. Morons. Anyway, back at the football, by half time it was 7-0, leaving us with little chance of turning things around.
The second half wasn't much better, plus everyone was wet through from the very heavy showers, so it didn't help when Ness fell to the floor to smother the ball - about half a second late. Goal 12. (She later tried to throw herself in front of a double-decker bus with the shame of it all, but that slipped under her body as well.) The game ended 13-0, with Lee making it through 15 minutes of substitute-dom without sustaining further injury. Whoo-hoo!
Gary has now got the sausage-cooking thing off to a fine art & the chips were up to their usual high standard. Macca's performance as central midfielder earned her a week in Gromit's fine company as player of the match. Ness's Gary Sprake imitation (one for our older readers there) was enough to give her the Noddy award.

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2 November 2003
WE CROYDE-A BEEN A CONTENDER ...

Galmpton pulled off another first today - we had four people willing to don a sub's jersey and the No 16 shirt (yes, unbelievable but true) was worn for the very first time.

The game started off at about a hundred miles an hour with both sides having chances. Georgeham & Croyde chased the game all the way & three goals in the last 15 of the first half gave them the upper hand. Sharon felt sorry for them & gave them a helping toe with their second (not as spectacular as the Dawlish oggie m'dear, but very professionally placed just inside the post, leaving Ness with no chance).

The second half was a lot closer but Georgeham grabbed another goal & we were out of the Cup 4-0.

Karen tried her hand at left-back today & walked away with the Gromit Player of the Match award. Barry was awarded Noddy for the first sighting of the yellow Teletubby outfit (now we KNOW winter's a-comin' on).


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26 October 2003
FLY ME TO THE MOON (OR MAYBE WONFORD)

We only had nine fit and/or willing players this week, and were going to play Central FC. They would probably have been far better than eleven players, so shall we just say by half-time we were 11-0 down. Geno made a spirited attempt to get Noddy for the week with a 25-yard free kick that troubled the pigeons in a pine tree near the corner flag more than it did the Central keeper ...
The second half was barely ten minutes old when Sharon's toes were pinned to the floor by a Central boot, but Sharon kept on turning. Result, one nicely pulled set of ligaments. She was just getting acquainted with the 4-litre ice cube in the chnging room when the bucket and its contents were potentially needed for Kelly G. In the end the ambulance service got the call. Lee also tried to claim Noddy by spelling Kel's name over the phone with the phonetic alphabet, but stuttered when she got to 'V' as all she could think of was 'Viera'. The ambulance crew didn't much like the look of the injury (we didn't much like the look of them but we didn't complain) & called out the Air Ambulance. The Air Ambulance had Kel in hospital about ten minutes later but Kelly W and Karen lost sight of the helicopter when taking the closed M5 detour to Wellington (yes the one in Somerset) and arrived at RD&E Wonford after Gravy's parents.

Anyway after all that the match was abandoned (we only had 7, not enough to continue).

*** STOP PRESS *** Kelly was released from hospital Sunday night with enough painkillers to dull 12 months of Newsnight, and nursing a very sore neck. But no permanent damage! Hope you're back on your feet soon Kel.


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19 October 2003
I CLOSE MY EYES AND COUNT TO TEN
Well, the weather was nice. I mention that because it means the kit is washed, dried, and back in its bag less than 24 hours after it was used.
So, about that match ... Admittedly we were considering having a guess the score sweep before kick off, but the suggested scores were a bit pessimistic. With the injured Ness sitting this one out to give her knee a chance to improve, the slightly less injured Lee hauled on the goalkeeper's jersey of attractive highlighter pink. This had its usual effect & the opposition were so busy laughing that they didn't get round to scoring for nearly half an hour. Sharon was missing (went for a tramp in the Brecon Beacons, lets hope the poor b*gger got away from her) but Karen dropped back into defence and did a bloody good job too. Hopefully the management team of Bazza and Gazza won't want to play Sharon & Karen alongside each other. Although someone called Dana would be a good strike partner for Gaynor. (Wait a minute, this is getting silly.)

Everyone worked hard for each other, and it was simply Newton Abbot were the better footballers. Karen required lengthy treatment after a clash of legs but carried on after her leg had been re-attached to her. By half time we were 5-0 down.

The second half was similar to the first, except we were playing into the sun, yet with the wind. Lee managed to turn her ankle, despite wearing that expensive brace, then ten minutes later got blitzed by a Newton knee in the side of the head. On the plus side she was very quiet for the next 5-10 so the rest of the team had a peaceful interlude.

The final score was 10-0 but - even though it's never a pleasure to be beaten - at least Newton Abbot won with matter-of-fact class and good grace, and without an in-your-crappy-face attitude. Other teams should take note!

Karen got Gromit for the week, for doing an excellent job despite playing out of position. Gaynor was unlucky to get Noddy, but her shot into the side netting (with a great big 8-yard wide goal standing invitingly empty in front of her) was actually the daftest thing that happened all day.

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12 October 2003
FOURTEEN LUCKY BREAKAWAYS
What is there to say? We were simply outplayed by a better team, and there were some very good goals among the 14. The best thing to say about the day is that we were able to boast THE RETURN OF THE MACC! Yes, Macca came on as a second half substitute, quite fitting really as her last game before temporarily retiring to be pregnant, was at Dawlish twelve months ago, almost to the day.

OK, Hayley took Gromit home for doing a lot of running & putting a lot of effort into her performance. This undoubtedly made up for losing out on the Dawlish 'character' (who looked like Uncle Albert from Only Fools & Horses) who latched onto her and Eve in the bar after the game. Noddy went home with assistant Guv'nor Gary. Gary had to delay his carload of team's progress to Dawlish because he had chosen to wear a cheap Japanese bladder, instead of bringing a robust English one ............. and had to find somewhere to effect alleviation of this urgently ongoing relief requirement situation (oh, alright, he needed a leak, missus). I think 'way to go' may indeed be an appropriate comment!

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5 October 2003
WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY DUGOUT?
On a bright and sunny day we took on fellow strugglers Totnes Town. Before the game our new kit was officially presented by Ian Mashford but we got off to a less than helpful start, conceding two early goals. Within minutes we were back in it when Kelly grabbed a debut goal from her new front running position. Gaynor nabbed one in each half but a late Totnes goal saw us let all three points slip.

Our new sponsor declined to give us a valuation on the home dugout, which apparently boasts deceptively spacious sleeping/dining accommodation for up to two homeless persons. (I just wish they wouldn't leave the subs' bench up when they've finished.)

Ness claimed Gromit for the week for playing through the pain and making some important saves. At this point, and with deep (?) regret I have to announce that Osama will not be joining us this season, something about the standard of football played being beneath him ... Oh, no, wait a minute, perhaps that was someone else who ain't around anymore??? Instead we welcome into our midst Noddy, although he does actually look like a cross between Mungo Jerry and Norman Tebbitt. Noddy will be taking on Osama's role as an award to the perpetrator of the most boneheaded act of the day. This week's proud recipient was Lucy, who chose to inspect the stagnant water in the goalpost casing just as someone dropped the post back into place. Way to whiff, Lu!

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28 September 2003
HOW MUCH MOOR CAN WE TAKE?
Once again we found ourselves struggling for players. Lee failed a fitness test in the morning & Hayley played through the pain of a niggling Achilles injury. Julie found herself making a surprise entry into the starting line-up, as did Sophie. We'd been hoping for a kickoff earlier than 3pm, so met way too early in Torquay. After a leisurely drive across the A30 we had time to stop & watch the dog show in Okehampton school's car park before getting to the ground ahead of any of the home team. The adjacent swimming pool meant Geno could uncross her legs - er I mean the swimming pool TOILET.

When it came to the game our Magnificent 11 held out for half an hour, but in the end there was far too much to cope with & Okehampton won 8-0. Nobody had a bad game & the surprised debutantes did themselves proud. Now for the shaky video!

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14 September 2003
THE ATKINS DIET SHOWER ROOM
Eleven fit players took the road to Newton St Cyres, hoping that Ness would make it before kick-off, despite not leaving home till 2pm - in Totnes. Ness made it onto the ground with ten minutes to spare so we had the luxury of a sub. Exeter Rangers went one up within 10 minutes, then extended the lead to three with goals on 26 & 34 minutes. Things were looking very grim when the ref blew her whistle to award a goal when the ball had actually gone for a goal kick, but I suppose she did award it from the other half of the field! Fortunately both sets of players knew it wasn't a goal & just got on with it. We got one back just before half time when Nik received a throw-in, got the better of two defenders & bent it like Beckham into the net. Well, I say just before half time and it was the 44th minute, but our ref played a-51 minute half? We're not entirely sure why.

Rangers pressured hard in the second half but couldn't turn the pressure into goals until we went daydreaming for ten seconds, allowing Rangers to make it 4-1 shortly before the final whistle. Well, I say shortly before the final whistle and it was the 85th minute, but the ref was enjoying it so much she made this half stretch to a whopping 54 minutes.

After the game we returned to our compact and bijou changing room, with an ensuite broom cupboard with three shower heads in it, which even boasted hot soapy water specially for the feet, direct from the home changing room showers. Mmmm, nice.

Oh, and it was good to see Bambi back again.

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7 September 2003
THREE GOALKEEPERS AND A FEW GOALS
Ness got called to a massive fire at noon, replacement Lee knackered a calf muscle within five minutes of the kick-off, so Geno spent most of the afternoon between the sticks. As a result, KellyW was dropped into left back, and Karen made an unexpected debut as a centre-half.

North Molton started off their scoring while another keeper's jersey was being sought out in the changing room for Geno, and then they bagged another two while we came to terms with the reshuffle. Three players - KellyW, Gaynor and Eve were also playing their first League game ever, so the performance overall was encouraging.

Changing around at 3-0 down, Galmpton continued to fight but Molton added another two to their tally, including an unstoppable volley from a corner, to make the final score a slightly flattering 5-0.