2004-05: THE FULL STORY

DRIP DRIP DRIP LITTLE APRIL SHOWERS
Sunday 17 April 2005

Oh, to be in England now that April's there.



We should have guessed, with the western extremities of Dartmoor shrouded in mist as we came up the Tavistock road. The weather was always going to be a little inclement. We took to the field. We were wet before we'd crossed the car park. It was most acceptable to have a laid-back ref, no patronising, great sense of humour (please take note in the north), sensible reffing. Unfortunately we chose not to play very well on this occasion. Plus they were smarting from losing unexpectedly, in their world, to us a couple of weeks back. Megan made her debut from the sub's bench, and the rain just kept on coming.



All in all, we lost 6-0 and probably deserved the thumping. Their clubhouse put ours to shame, and the food was excellent. Leanne brought a bumper crop of Haribo. That company will go under if she ever stops eating their products. However, the season as a whole has been brilliant, despite the last two results, and we're raring to go for next year now.


I BELIEVE I CAN FLY
Sunday 10 April 2005
This report is being brought to you by the nine-fingered birthday girl GULFC hack ....

Our opponents Barnstaple got beaten last week and were obviously going to be pretty hacked off at losing their unbeaten tag so late in the season. Still, as most of them were operating as North Molton in the Premier Division last season I suppose losing 5-1 wasn't as much of a disaster as it might seem. Rachel got our goal but we didn't do too well at the back.

That said, I write this through a haze of pain-killer-induced stupor. In the first half my legs got whacked out from under me & I introduced the back of my skull to a rock-hard pitch with a force of 3G. In the second half I had jumped to head the ball when a horizontal missile in a football shirt caused me to land about five feet away from where I'd taken off. Sadly I put my hand out to break my fall, and even more sadly my thumb chose to bend far enough out of whack to set a new world record.

Still, Lee's birthday cake was nice. 23 again. As if.


OH GOD THEY WERE SAYING BIDDY NOT BITTY
Sunday 20 March 2005
On Sunday morning you could barely see from one end of the pitch to the other, by the time we got to lunchtime it was a little clearer and by kick off the mist was gone. We decided not to start playing and just about watched them as they scored with their first attack. We had kick off, they intercepted, they pushed forward, they scored. It's probably taken longer to type it than it took in real life (18 seconds). After that we started to play and had a few good attacks before we equalised through Gaynor.
In the second half they took the lead again, only for us to equalise from Leanne's penalty when one of their defenders handballed in the area. All of a sudden they needed to play at 100 miles per hour, and goal kicks and throw ins were taken like they were handling hot metal. With about eight left on the clock we couldn't keep up the pace and let them score the winner at 3-2 (again).
Now, to be fair, I wasn't listening too much at first but I must admit I did wonder why they were calling for BITTY all the time, especially as nobody seemed to be getting the puppies out. But yeah but no but yeah cos they were calling Biddy right and it wasn't my fault cos I never heard it right cos anyway we were playing football right and it was that Gaynor doin' all the shouting and anyway I was minding my own business so shut up.
Cluur deservedly got Gromit for workrate, determination, and being everybloodywhere throughout the game. Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. Who lost her phone & missed all the Saturday night calls? Who rang Cluur and insisted she'd already spoken to her when she hadn't, actually? Who bought new boots & chucked the old ones out without breaking the new ones in first? Who was banging on the changing room door after the match bleating 'Let me in!' when she'd brushed past her own team-mates waiting patiently for the door key? Guess who got Noddy?

IS THIS THE WAY TO OH-MY-NOSE-OWWWW
Sunday 13 March 2005
It's always a problem when the driver becomes the navigator, and the navigator takes over behind the wheel. We only went wrong a couple of times, one missed turning, one what-the-hell-have-they-done-here? with a new road layout and no left turn when we needed it. In the clubhouse the rugby changing room was available for our use, plenty of room, excellent.
Once the dog turd was removed from the pitch we were able to get underway. Now at this point I have to confess that my memory of this match is not as good as it might have been .... We took an early lead but couldn't add to it. Meanwhile they hit the crossbar but couldn't convert. Ness picked up a hand injury, made worse by Gaynor who helpfully brought the bucket over to Ness, and whacked it into her injured hand! Way to go, girl. Somewhere along the line Leanne got smacked in the face by the ball, and Rachel got smacked in the face by the ball. Then Rach smacked Lee in the face with the ball. In the closing minutes of the game Plymouth Uni grabbed an equaliser. Having got a free kick 20 yards inside their half for offside (nobody was quite sure why) they launched the ball forward & pinged the ball over the back four & into the net. Then the ball went out for a throw in & Lee trotted out to take it. About 15 seconds after the whistle went and everyone stopped playing, the Uni player decided to kick the ball as hard as she could, straight into Lee's face. Never heard the whistle? I suppose the dog eats her jassing homework as well. Anyway Brian the ref decided enough was enough, had the throw in taken & blew for time.
We went into the onsite pub, but the Uni crowd were nowhere to be seen, there was no food on offer, at least not in the pub where we went. We stayed for a drink, then bu*gered off home. Ness took Gromit with her for a whole raft of class saves, and of course Gaynor had to have Noddy for trying to aggravate Ness's first half injury with the bucket. I think it also appropriate to add that Ness deserved Gromit as well for getting home, dropping kit & daughter off safely, then turning out for a fire shout. By the time we got to Totnes in the car we passed just in time to see her driving the engine and waving joyfully at us!

WHATTA SIX-PACK
Sunday 6 March 2005
Another beautiful Sunday at Galmpton, so nice the No. 15 shirt made an appearance on someone's back. The luxury of three, count 'em, THREE subs, was in stark contrast to Torridgeside's nine players. With such an imbalance the result was hardly ever going to be in doubt and we pinged in six goals by half time. Leanne weighed in with another hat-trick and with the action mostly in Torridgeside's half, the defence helped out with Geno taking all the corners bar one, and Lee taking all the throw-ins, both sides, bar one.
During the second half the subs all got an extended run-out, and we settled for six goals scored. Torridgeside got one back when they picked up the ball on the half way line & passed through to their Katie who lobbed the ball into the net from outside the area. The major downer in this game happened when the ref awarded a drop ball & proceeded to take it himself. Just so long as our senior county referees all know the laws of the game & none of them show the slightest inclination to be patronising toward female players then.
Kelly T renewed her acquaintance with Gromit, and Geno took home Noddy, having been grassed up by her team-mates after she slipped on her boots and fell on her ar*e in the changing room before the match.


ILFRA-TOMBE RAIDERS 40: THE SEQUEL
I'm sorry, that should read
ILFRA-TOMBE RAIDERS 4 - 0: THE SEQUEL
Sunday 20 February 2005
Sunnier, but barely warmer. We had 14 whole players to choose from, luxury. Ilfracombe finally arrived from the direction of the village with twenty minutes to scheduled kickoff time.
The sun was still shining as we kicked off. They came at us, since they had the matter of an 8-1 defeat two weeks ago to avenge. However they couldn't break a determined defence down & Ness was never going to beaten by long distance shots on such a sunny day. Leanne was again coming in for some rough treatment, but this time we had a referee who was prepared to take action & an early caution told the Ilfracombe team to rein in the fouls on her. If only that had happened a fortnight ago. We turned around 2-0 up, courtesy of goals from Kel & Leanne.
In the second half the sun had moved further around and Ness was barely troubled by it at all. Did I mention it was a very sunny day? It was much of the same in the second 45 and I don't recall Ness making a save as such in the entire game, mostly just gathering crosses or speculative long-distance kicks. Leanne managed to hit the woodwork twice but also put two nice goals away for another hat-trick. All the subs got a run-out, with just a moment's hesitation as to who the last player off should be. Lee nearly got the chop after needing the entire four-litre ice cube for the chunky lump that pinged out of her forehead after a clash of heads late in the game. Ah, the Galmpton kiss. In the end it wasn't enough to make her give up the field & the Herman Munster forehead finished the game.
Sad to say, somebody saw fit to steal one of our kickaround balls at the end of the match. Still, it was at least six years old & was marked with one of our previous names, difficult to think that anyone could mistake its ownership. But hey, "whoever" you were, if you're reading this, I hope somebody kicks it up your particularly ample rear end and you need surgery to remove it. And remember what goes around comes around. Oh, most definitely it does.
I believe today's scoreline was 4-0. And it was absolutely definitely a very sunny day.
In a complete turn-around from last week. Leanne's hat-trick earned her Gromit for the week. Rachel got Noddy. Before the game she accompanied Kel & Gaz to SAINSBURYS to get the food & offered to get a replacement tomato sauce for a faulty one they'd taken to the checkout. Having enquired if they wanted her to get TESCO own-brand she spent a significant period of time aimlessly wandering round the aisles, like a woman in search of Dale Winton trying to blag an audition for Supermarket Sweep. Personally I thought she was rather unlucky to get the nodding Norman Tebbitt-alike. Little Guv himself really should have been in the running, for putting the linesman's flag down during a break in play, then forgetting to pick it up and not realising until he went to flag for an offside. (I'm always happy to grass up the unwary.)


LOTTERY ROLLE-OVER
Sunday 13 February 2005
With Big Guvnor Bazza on crutches Little Guvnor Gazza was on line duties all afternoon. Have you ever seen anything funnier than a bloke with a flag in one hand and a telephone clamped to his ear, held by the other one? We left Torquay in a snow/sleet storm but the brightness perked up the further east we went. A shame the same could not be said of the temperature.
We found Exmouth Ammies ground with only one wrong turn (sorry ladies, I'd heard it was a cracking old folks' home & the time is getting closer that I may need to find one for myself). With no Ness and no Trine for back-up it was down to Lee & Geno to each take a half in goal. On the plus side both opted to wear the GK top over an outfield shirt & it was therefore a little warmer. Lee took the first half and managed to keep warm with a few saves. Rolle were certainly up for it and we spent most of the first 45 camped out in our own half, punctuated by raids into their penalty area. Although Gaynor and Leanne were busy the Rolle defence kept pulling clearances out of the bag when they needed them. Just before half time Rolle scored when teflonhands Lee dropped (another) cross and the cleared shot fell to a Rolle forward who fired home the only goal of the game.
The second half saw Geno freezing at the estuary end, but she didn't have the luxury of being as busy to keep the freezing cold wind out. Rolle stepped off the gas a bit & the defence pulled a bit tighter to mean that more play was in the Rolle half. The only light for us came near the end when Kel's free kick was handled by the Rolle defensive wall, inside the penalty area. Leanne stepped up for the kick but launched the ball halfway into space. I know the ref thought the goal wasn't 8 feet high, as he didn't have to jump to fix the net to the hooks but I don't think it would've gone in even if it was regulation height ...
The shower was across the corridor from the changing room and boasted a badly-running sliding door, a floor that sloped down to a large hole in the middle of the floor, which could have taken Hayley whole if she'd been there to fall into it. The showers were nice and hot, except when you turned one off the remaining one ran so quick the water hit the opposite wall! Congratulations also to the bloke with Rolle who considered it appropriate to march into our changing room without even knocking to check everyone was clothed.
Back at the Viper the long wait for the food was definitely worth it, with loads of chili, sausages, pizza, roast spuds and Yorkshire pudding. Yorkshire pudding? The drink was discounted for the football team as well, bona!
Sharon took Grom home for the week, and Leanne's penalty miss earned her Noddy.

ILFRA-TOMBE RAIDERS
Sunday 6 February 2005
Did we not name Lara Croft as sub then? We could only get ten to go to sunny Ilfracombe so the minibus wan't exactly cramped. With Ness unavailable and Geno unavailable it was looking odds on for Lee to end up in goal - until Trine gave the thumbs up to making her first appearance in Galmpton colours for over 12 months, and in goal at that. At least it meant two of the usual back four took to the field.
Unlike us, we left Torquay less than 30 minutes after official meet time & made good time on the road, arriving the back way into Ilfracombe & accidentally finding the ground without even faffing around in the town centre. Not to mention turning up before most of their players. (Even that one that frightened the bus inmates by 'carrying a ball and wearing a tracksuit' - enough to convince us all that she must be a good player.)
The subterranean changing rooms were the usual steady 56F (13C), just like Kents Cavern but without the stalagmites, I think. Being so far north, compared to home, we felt a bit of a chill out on pitch. So much for the Gulf Stream invading the Bristol Channel.
So - we started 10 v 11 but basically they didn't really look up for it. Jo looked like a woman who hasn't had a decent game of football for eighteen months - oh, wait a minute, Jo IS a woman who hasn't etc etc
Either way she was having a whale of a time playing up front instead of right back, where she used to operate. Really they had no answer to a combined strike force of Leanne and Jo & it didn't take long for the scoring to start. Jo blasted her way to a hat-trick, including a penalty when Leanne was felled in the box (sadly a recurring theme throughout the afternoon). At half time we were three up & the only time we really looked out of sorts was when Kelly thought about testing Trine out, but skied the attempted OG over the bar. Whew. Trine had borrowed Lee's GK gloves, leaving her nails at the mercy of a dodgy throw-in technique. As it turned out, Lee would have made more use of the damn things than Trine did. How many throw ins did they concede? And how long did it take them to find out that the follow-through on a long throw hurts when it hits your shoulder again, and again, and again? Eh? If Lee could've worked a Vulcan deathgrip into the repertoire of where her hands ended up, she would've. Still, the muppets kept standing in front of her taking throws, bless.
The ref declined to allow a couple of lately-arrived Ilfracombe players to suddenly become subs when one of their team-mates popped a hamstring so after a bit of a half-time delay it was 10 v 10 for the second 45. But then it was the same old same-old. Leanne scored four goals, including a penalty when guess who was felled in the penalty area. She'd actually got to her feet & blasted the loose ball home but our ref blew anyway so she had to take the resulting pen. The last goal was a header home from Jo, also her fourth of the day. So, who would've thought it?
The bar there is in excellent form & the hot sausage and chips very tasty. I only wish the Galmpton kitchen wasn't so low down the list of priorities - we could be doing exactly the same thing when we're at home.
Of course the journey home only takes 15 minutes when you're flying like we were. However some of the singing left a lot to be desired and that rumbling sound you heard was Freddie Mercury turning in his grave.
Is it only me that's ever seen Michael Palin's 'Ripping Yarn' called Golden Gordon, about a hotch-potch football team about to disband, but all the old stars are persuaded back and they win 8-1?
EIGHT BLOODY ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


YOU'RE ONCE TWICE THREE TIMES A SCORER
Sunday 30 January 2005
Once again we only had eleven players to call on. Why did I bother taking the sub kits out of the super deluxe carrier bag? I won't do it next time. Shaz got there as soon as she could, changed & PMP within five minutes. Impressive, girl. We managed to get the ref to check two extra pairs of boots before he realised we were peeling off round the back of the inspection line for a scond go ...
We started by giving Plymouth Uni a lot of respect and, although Gaynor scored for us first, we just sat back and practically watched them equalise shortly afterwards. Then we took the lead through Leanne, Leanne scored again, Gaynor got a second, and then got a hat-trick. Just for old times sake we let them score a second near the end to make it 5-2.
In Gary's absence Hayley managed to rope in half her family to take care of the cooking. The students maintained what is fast becoming a Uni tradition by b*ggering off without accepting food - or using the bar facilities. Fortunately we had a few kids with us who obviously hadn't been fed for at least 90 minutes, & they polished off the outstanding hot dogs for us.
Eve got Gromit for a never-say-die midfield performance. Lucy re-acquainted herself with Noddy for trying to play life-size mousetrap with the goal nets as they were being put away.


FINDING NEVERAGAINLAND
Sunday 16 January 2005
If you wanna find Bideford first time don't trust that Lee with an eight year old AA book. The plan was to hit the Crediton road & ping across country like we did when we went to Torridgeside. Plan went wrong. Even lost Lu & her carload at one point. Joined the Tavistock-Bideford road further away than we wanted. Only took one wrong turn in Bideford, nothing major.
Pitch huge & a little the worse for wear, having hosted a Western League game the day before, but perfectly playable. We had ten at Torquay & managed to gloss over the fact to Cluur, travelling to join us from points east. Sorry Cluur, just look on it as an extended sub's runout. The gallant eleven took to the field, straining to see the far corners of the pitch. Large? I've seen polo parks smaller. After a strange pre-match shouted 'statement' from the ref (vaguely patronising actually but we could be charitable and put it down to nerves)(oh, the hell, it was very patronising but I've had my little confused head patted by uglier referees) we got playing. Beautiful sunshine. Bloody cold.
Rach hit the post within minutes of the start. There's me standing at the unfamiliar right-back slot thinking, funny, shouldn't I be knackered by now, with them playing us off the park? A few minutes later and I was aggravating my conjunctivitus, I was rubbing my eyes so much. Gaynor steamed past her marker & put the ball in the net. 1-0. Rach picked up an uncleared Geno corner to wang the ball into the net from the edge of the area (that's the penalty area, Mr Herald Express, not the 6yard box). I was standing right behind her when she connected, bang zoom, and it had goal written all over it before it left her foot. 2-0. And so it remained at half time.
By then Lee was feeling her years, better than feeling anything else in public as that's a filthy habit, (and the effects of a month of viruses), and Shaz was breathing heavier than an anonymous phone caller after being off work the week before. Collectively we went to sleep anyway & Bideford equalised with wo quick goals. After that, everyone shut up shop, at both ends & nothing much else happened - until seven minutes from time when Bideford scored what turned out to be the winner. Shaz could have snatched a dramatic equaliser with the last kick, but having run from her own half and beaten who knows how many players (no, really, who knows? I've forgotten already) her shot from a wide angle on the right went just wide. I think they just about deserved it but it was a cracking game anyway, and they were a great bunch of opponents. They needed more ketchup in the bar, though. And I think that ref may have been lying when he said he didn't have a sense of humour. Ness got Grom, great series of saves & Baz got Noddy ... for forgetting to bring Grom & Noddy with him to the match.
Fortunately we picked the right road to go home on & Baz and Gaz got back in time for their 7s match at 7pm.


KICK THE PUD OFF
Wednesday 29 December 2004
35/36-ish people took part, ranging from very small to very old, and everyone entered into the spirit (most of the time) of kicking seven bales out of those with the same talent quotient as themselves, and going easy on those less fortunate.
Fortunately this year there was no rain & the temperature was kind so all in all it was a very pleasant trot out. Who knows what the score was at the end of it, we even had a winning goal then a winning winning goal before adjourning to the bar.
The food was a bit disappointing but the football card was sold out. Tony B won the money, even without being told the correct team (and he did ask) but then he gave the money to club funds, what a star.
Nick took a few photos of those present & did three group photos. Leanne's hat features in all of them, but nothing else.
The hardy souls amongst us stayed in the Leisure Centre bar until we were chucked out, moving on to the Isaac Merritt where we encountered Patrick Stewart, really. Except when he got close & slightly bitter aboutpeople calling him Jean Luc Picard. Nor did he see the funny side when he was asked if anyone had told him how much he looked like Harry Hill. What are the chances of that happening?


LET THEM KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS
Sunday 12 December 2004
Ooh, away heaven. Clean, dry, warm changing room, and a team whose first intention was to play football. Our first encounter in September was a little more fraught, but this was sooo much better.

Some fouls, some good skill on show, a couple of stonking goals (granted at the wrong end from our point of view), partisan home support who nonetheless refrained from being offensive and also had the good sense to stay in the warmth of the clubhouse until half time, a couple of good, efficient, honest chaps on the line, and a referee. Umm, yes, I think that's right.

The first half produced no goals, although both sides had chances. Sarah took the traditional upper-cut from a ball, this time three minutes into the game. It wasn't until her jaw thawed out in the changing room at half time, that she realised how much pain she was in. After a couple of minutes of the second half she had to come off, which was where the Christmas panto started. "We'll bring Eve on as a sub ref" "Oh no you won't". Etc The home side were worried that they wouldn't be able to use floodlights to complete the match, as they've only just started fundraising for them & they won't be installed for a few years yet. That's how long it took before the ref agreed that he'd used the match card to determine sub eligibility & hadn't actually communicated with the teams. Page 888 where are you when we need you?

Anyway, Feniton blasted two good goals past us in about five minutes flat when we re-started. It felt like the whole of Feniton had come out for the second half, but they were particularly good-humoured, especially when Dave the white-haired ex-ref got asked where his false beard and red suit were, and shouldn't he be frightening some child in a grotto somewhere?

Leanne managed to twist her neck in a direction it didn't want to go & started trying to doze off, so an ambulance was called after the game. They didn't need telling where to come as the driver was one of Feniton's junior team managers! Fortunately they were operating a Collect-One-Take-One-Free policy so Sarah nipped in for a trip to RD&E. Of course we didn't wish to appear unsociable so we went into the clubhouse to be greeted by a table groaning under the weight of jacket potatoes, butter, cheese, bbeans, coleslaw ... and mince pies with cream. Talk about feed the world! But very civilised. And very tasty too. After a quick slurp and a bite to eat we rearranged the transport, with Hayley taking two extra so that Barry & Lee could pick up the headcases from Exeter. No lasting damage to either, (or the headcases) but who can take painkillers the size of a small island when they're feeling ill to start with?

Kelly T took Gromit for the festive season after an assured performance in midfield, and upfront, and in defence. Meanwhile Sharon retained the Noddy award for a second straight week, for being unable to tell the difference between a Gaynor and a Hayley, phoning Gaynor up at 10pm last night to apologise for not ringing in earlier. And bless Gaynor for going along with it. I think £1 in exchange for the loan of a Noddy until New Year is fair.

I must just mention here a guestbook entry that has appeared, couldn't possibly repeat the entire contents of it. Briefly it's from someone with a distant grasp of the English language, but a much closer relationship with basic profane. The anonymous sender has one or two things to say on the subject of telling the truth, contains a vague threat or two, but kindly goes on to thank us for reading the message and wishes us a merry (intensifier withheld) christmas and a happy new year, and finishes with a row of 'x's.
Capital letters mean nothing to the well-wisher concerned and I can only assume the explosion of 'x's on the end are full name, plus the degree qualification letters after it. Cor blimey missus, everyone's a critic.


I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU (and a body check, and a shove, and an introduction to your studs)
Sunday 5 December 2004
With the season of goodwill approaching fast our opponents today had a few players among their number who thought it was too early for all that namby-pamby stuff. Who needs a radiator when you can get all that heat that's kicking off my knee tonight, the one with a side parting courtesy of a stud? Leanne scored a cracking goal, then Geno risked another nosebleed, going that far forward, and grabbed another goal. Then they volleyed a second. No, sorry, I mean they thought it was volleyball and used an arm to propel it into the net.
It was a big OH YES when Ness made it, a slight waft of petrol around her after a lunchtime call-out to an RTC and some washing away required. Leanne racked up another hat-trick with a daisy-cutting shot into the bottom corner of the net, then Gaynor was unlucky to see an offside flag after she'd blammed the ball into the net.
Liverton's biggest defender, who conceded more free kicks than anyone else, poleaxed Leanne & picked up a caution for it. Not the first, we're told. Barely acceptable, but the behaviour of their spectators/subs was the vilest, sickest, most obscene thing I've seen and heard in a long time. While a player was injured - and it could have been serious - they were laughing at her. Laughing. What a bunch of ignorant tossers. I almost wish we hadn't gone out to their place at the end of last season and given them a gentle introduction to football. Some of the team were fine - so you have to wonder why they're sticking with a bunch of juvenile losers like that.
Still, what was the score, eh?
Leanne deservedly took Gromit home again, and Sharon claimed Noddy for an incident which nearly saw her lifted off her feet, her hand caught in the goalnet as the posts were raised against the tennis court boundary after the game. If you're intent on hanging yourself, girl, a hand in a goalnet is not a very efficient way of doing it ....

ILFRACOMBE, EVERYBODY SAY WAYYY-O (WAYYY-O)
Sunday 21 November 2004
It rained. We stayed home. Not for us the dripping walls of the subterranean changing room hewn by pickaxe out of the great Mount Ilfra. Or a trip up the famed North Devon Link Road, followed by the Ilfracombe Road, followed by a trawl through the town centre looking for the correct turnoff. At least Gaz didn't have to bin us off to get to his 7s match in time.

OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM 4-1, 4-1, O
Sunday 14 November 2004
I like a smooth run-up to a game. 40 minutes to kick-off: the only Rolle representative on the ground announces that the minibus is caught in traffic and they don't know where they are. OK, no problem, I'm chilled, I can deal with that. 30 minutes to kick-off: the secretary of another league entirely calls Guv'nor Baz to let him know the referee cannot release the security lock on his car & won't be able to make it. And him in the motor trade. 20 minutes to kick-off: James the referee picks up the message on his moby & agrees to jump into his car & ref. Kick off delayed. Rolle overjoyed to learn identity of replacement ref "Oh, is he the one with the DIMPLES??? Oh, goody".

Frankly it was like taking to the field in the middle of a farmyard at times. The cockerel in the adjoining garden just wouldn't shut up and the entire flock (do hens come in flocks?) was grubbing around by the fence. Seabirds circling overhead were joined in song by a distant buzzard. And then Stan's collie came out, running up and down the wall behind the goal. Normally he's quiet but this week he took exception to a spectating whippet & barked, and barked, and barked. It would have been no shock to hear cows mooing.
Somehow we managed to stay in the changing room when the game kicked off & Rolle took the lead within three minutes of the off, when we didn't clear the ball. Anyway, after that we bucked our ideas up & levelled, took the lead, scored direct from a corner, then let Geno balance her goals against v goals for tally. 4-1 at half-time through Kelly, Leanne and Geno (2). Lee & Geno swapped over in goal.
Second half: not a lot happened. Sharon got mud in her eye, Sarah got a ball in the face (get out of the way girl, you know how much it hurts now), Leanne tripped over her bootlaces. One of their players handled in the area & Geno got an opportunity for a hat-trick. Instead she chose to maintain our appalling record from the spot & the Rolle keeper saved. Gravy was doing sentry duty on the goal line, Lee half way back in our half, with Eve & Sharon on the halfway line, & Rolle were keen to blast the ball forward asap. However, it never made it to Safety Net R Us & Geno was able to trot back to the new lightweight goalposts, no harm done.

Geno's exploits gave her Gromit, and Leanne's bootlace two-step meant she was the only nomination for Noddy.

Oh, and it was good to see Ness spectating - not to mention Ruth.


STIFF LITTLE FINGERS GIG AT BARNSTAPLE
Sunday 7 November 2004

17 October : no game scheduled
24 October : supposed to be home to Tavistock after they & I moved heaven & earth so we wouldn't clash with the U13s next January, only for GUFC to decide Saturday night it would be too wet Sunday afternoon. Crystal ball anyone?
31 October : Plymouth Uni pitch waterlogged

You all know this site takes as much p*ss as anyone, generally, but first I know we all want to pass our very best wishes to Ness & Sophie, after the loss of Ness's Dad last week. Ness, we know you've got a good circle around you but if there's anything practical any of us can do, girl, just ask.

OK, we went to Barnstaple with just eleven or, as we prefer to call it these days, ten plus Lee. Taking five cars for the team plus Bazza & Gazza we got there as soon as we could in the face of Baz forgetting the ***** kit & having to go back home to collect it.
After eight minutes & two (count 'em) goals, Lee thought she'd better start doing a bit of saving. Big mistake. The Barnstaple forward got there as soon as she could, about 20 seconds after Lee had the ball in her hands, and blasted the base of her fingers with the toe of her boot. Honestly, you wear a brand new pair of gloves and some bast*rd tries to get them dirty. Anyway by the time the bucket got to her there was a black impact mark & four swelling bananas attached to her hand. At least the fingers didn't stay in the glove when she took it off.

Geno took over in goal & Lee took her place in the back four, and by half time we were 4-0 down. In fairness they were a lot more skilful than us, but we kept on going & you could see why they finished well in the Premier last season, when they were playing under the name of North Molton.

The second half we played much tighter and held them until ten minutes from time, by which time they'd introduced three fresh pairs of legs & we were just knackered. They scored their other two at this late stage, but the excitement wasn't over. We'd kept trying to push forward & Leanne got tripped in the penalty box. To her credit she didn't go looking for the pen, kept on her feet & lost the ball. The ref then awarded the pen & Barnstaple's manager showed his complete ignorance of the laws of the game by screaming it couldn't be a penalty, she hadn't gone down! Duhhhhhhh. Good job the players just got on with it. Unfortunately for us Gaynor leaned back when she kicked the ball & it skied over the bar. At least I have kept my word to her and not given the taxi moment too much prominence on the site. Although I must say she only managed one practice pen before the game. Sorry, Gaynor, that confession just slipped out.

Unfortunately on return to the changing room the rest of the ice cubes had melted on the floor & a pair of clean socks were sacrificed to mop the water up. The food in the bar was far better this time - choice of chicken or lamb curry (Gazza promised it was lamb but who knows) + chips. Very tasty.

Sharon covered a lot of ground & quite rightly claimed Gromit, but in Rachel's absence Noddy didn't make the trip. Nonetheless Bazza was presented with him in spirit for trying to make us play in our vests.

Gazza stayed behind, making Kel stay with him, to watch the gripping Man City-Man U derby, what with all those fab goals, he must be really glad he stayed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha etc


I'M SO TIRED OF CRAWLING, BUT I'M OFF ... ON THE ROAD AGAIN
Sunday 10 October 2004
After an unexpected day off last week, down to Bideford's car crash on the Link Road (and Hayley that could've been you, stop messing aound on the road) we once again set off on a trek across Devon. Opting for the more direct route, we shunned Hayley's Routemaster printout via Tiverton, or Cleethorpes or somewhere.

Anywho we convoyed off from the Willows, through Exeketer and off to Crediton. After a while the A road starts looking twisty enough to form its own oxbow lakes (ask Sharon, not me) so we opted for a B road and very nice it was too. Lovely views, and none of that nasty rain & wind we left behind in Torbay. Torrington looked small & easy to navigate but, no! Three possible routes, and we didn't get it right till the third time. If only you'd listened to me, the League handbook was right all along.

The game was friendly yet competitive & in the absence of Geno the Guv'nors decided she was irreplaceable, opting for a back three. They looked a bit young & lively up front but we managed to soak it all up. Leanne hit the bar, then scored a stonking goal. We also continued what is fast becoming a tradition with another lump of canine cack getting the Galmpton eagle-eye treatment. Torridgeside reckoned it was fox faeces (too posh for a bloody dog then?) but it must have been very nervous to leave that kind of deposit in the middle of an open field.

The second half was much of the same, with the Galmpton team putting together some nice moves, two of which led to another pair of goals from Leanne. Hat-trick? I doan rightly rememmer the last time we scored one of they .....

Lee got Gromit for an incredible performance, never putting a foot wrong all match, with intelligent passing out of defence, amazing throw-ins, pinpoint accuracy with the corners, covering every blade of grass on the pitch (Oh all right, I exaggerate, but I wasn't that bad). Noddy found board & lodging with Rachel this week. What can I say? Granted, we did indicate that we would say nothing of her indiscretion but, hey, it was far too funny to keep quiet about. Before the match Lucy entrusted her car keys to our Rach, to secure kit etc in the boot. By the time we all went past, Rach was wrestling with the boot lock, moaning like f*** that she couldn't get it open. When we stopped laughing like a pack of drunken hyenas, we pointed out she was trying open a Ford with a set of Citreon keys. Granted, they were similar size cars. And the colour was the same, lovely blue. Fortunately the Ford owner hadn't set a car alarm, or we'd have been down to 10 players & a first-time offender with a record for TWOCing a car! Record request anyone? 'Ello 'ello 'ello, it's good to be back? 999 Red Balloons?? Anything by the Police??? Brand new key?? (Citreon on) the lock of the day?

MY *!?@??**! BRAIN HURTS

Sunday 26 September 2004
Now this was more like it ...

Last time we ventured up to North Devon it hammered down the whole time we were out on pitch. This time, much better. Barnstaple were top of the Division with an unbeaten record. Against us in the first half, well, we made them look pretty ordinary. They had a few good runs up front, but the back four dealt with them damn well. And if they got past the defence, there was Ness in fine form to contend with. In midfield and up front we passed the ball around as never before & it was only a superb save from a cracking Leanne strike that kept them in the game. Some of the passing was so accurate we even found an ageing dog turd in the penalty area!

Sadly, I can't report much on the second half as I managed less than ten minutes. Having cracked the back of my head on the pitch in the first half, bending over to pick up the ball for another throw in sent the headache into machete-embedded-in-the-skull mode, and you can't remove fresh ralphee from the pitch as easily as set canine cr*p. From the showers I heard the first cheer, and from the changing room the second so I knew we were losing 2-0. I'm told the goals were a bit soft, and it took them 70 minutes to break us down, so when we go back for the cup game it could well be a different story!

On the plus side I managed to get a hot shower, with real hot water (eventually), unlike the last time when I really really could have done with warming up. Not that I have a memory like an elephant (steady with the comments Mongoose) and bear bitter grudges of course.

Worryingly, four strapping footy players found themselves unable to give birthday girl Hayley more than 15 bumps in the bar afterwards. Lucy took Gromit home for a fine performance & Hayley got Noddy. At that point she'd done nothing to deserve him, but.......

On the drive home Guv'nor Barry drove twice round two roundabouts, followed faithfully by Hayley in her car. He indicated left & drove along a layby, then straight back out onto the road, followed faithfully by Hayley. He slowed to 30 mph in a 60 mph limit, and Hayley didn't overtake, unlike everyone else. As I understand it, Hayley even liked Barnstaple so much that when she came out of a service area, she started going back there, but I'm sure that's just a vicious rumour. Happy birthday Hayley. How's the hairgrips?


BARELY TEN FOULS ALL GAME AND TWO SENT OFF
Sunday 19 September 2004
What can I say? Feniton only had ten with them, which meant we should have comfortably been able to deal with them on the day.

Maybe we should have heard the alarm bells ringing when the kitchen, described as needing a bit of a clean, turned out to look like a Baghdad bombsite, leaving us with an uphill task to even heat up food in the microwave.

Gravy let us all down by getting sent off after a confrontation with one of the opposition, but all that meant was, it was ten against ten. Then one of their forwards went flying when Ness came out to close her down. As she was last defender, she too got her marching orders. Lee had to seek out a goalie's top & a pair of gloves to fit & took over in goal. Later in the half the same forward that got Ness sent off tried to whack Lee in the head with a reverse punch, so I can quite believe Ness when she insists she never touched her. The daft thing was, you see the headlines two sent off & one yellow, but there were hardly any fouls in the game - in fact I'd say there were more foul throw-ins than fouls!

Either way, the defence line had a distinctly unfamiliar look about it, with Sharon unable to play through injury in the first place, Gravy off & Lee in goal. Kelly had to drop back into defence, taking some of our midfield sting out.

Birthday Boy The Guv'nor had a few words to say at half time, which seemed to be working wonders when Leanne marked her home debut by storming through to score within 20 seconds of the restart, then added another. However with only nine the task was too much & Feniton ended up winning 7-2.

Hayley's Dad Paul turned up looking dead cas, only to be hijacked into running the line as Feniton didn't bring anyone to do it. And then later he even volunteered Hayley's Auntie to heat up the pizzas etc so we could lay on a bit of hospitality afterwards. Despite this did he get Gromit? Did he hell! Leanne took Grom home for the week, for her performance & Gaynor got Noddy for finding the post when the open goal was a much easier proposition.


BOUNCEBACKABILITY IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
The season proper finally got underway with a trip to Liverton, where that castle was lurking in the background again. I love Trago Mills.

On arrival we found we were the THIRD game of the day, & the first two were running late.

Nonetheless we were champing at the bit to get playing again, with that 1-0 victory over Central still ringing in our heads. Hell, did I just write that? Who would've thought that that result would enter my head? Imagine. The pre-match motivational topic went down quite well, an inspirational piece about a drunk being baptised.

We started a bit tentatively, but it soon became clear that we would have to help them to score, or nothing. So, nothing, then. Sharon was doing well despite her cracked rib, and she soon picked up a fine swollen ankle to go with it. Lee found herself saddled with marking an annoying little gnat (at least I think that's what she called her). We don't think that one'll have to wait long to find herself on the end of a very serious boot, probably by the end of October!

Most of the match took place in Liverton's half and we won 4-0. Bearing in mind that we didn't win a single match in 2003-04, and that we scored five ALL SEASON last time out, 4-0 is a blistering start. It also demonstrates the extraordinary bouncebackability of this fine bunch of women. The chocolates and champagne stayed on ice for a harder game, just as well, as they would only have got wet in the inclement weather (cold wet & windy by the second half)(and that was only the home supporters).

Sharon took Gromit home for another excellent performance at the heart of the defence (clean sheet? ah yes, I remember that concept). Ness took Noddy home. Well, I say she took him home but the plain truth of the matter is that she FORGOT to bring him & won him by default.


We actually felt quite depressed going home. Most of their players were quite friendly and wanted to play football but one or two felt it their mission to kick the cr*p out of any Galmpton player who came close.

Still, three points and a trip to second-in-the-table land.. Absolute heaven, almost as good as beating Central 1-0. Oh, there I go again!

For those after a fixture list, get over it. No doubt there'll be one, sometime, but not just yet.




CENTRAL 0 - 1 GALMPTON UNITED
CENTRAL 0 - 1 GALMPTON UNITED

What else is there to say? Well, now you come to mention it, quite a lot.

Cluur made her debut for us today, and I reckon we were the team out of eight who made the biggest effort on this wear-something-pink thing. Ness went out & bought a pink Tshirt (with strawberry logo). Lee went pink down to her underwear. Also by the end of the sunny-ish day she had skin to match.

Ness, Shaz, Lee, Cluur, Claire, Lucy, Sophie, Hayley & Gaynor turned out for the day, with mascot Adam getting bigger & kicking harder by the week. We opened with a 1-0 victory over Torquay B & exceeded our expectations by that alone. The second match was lost to a spawny Exeter Rangers late goal, but the third was a 0-0 draw with Okehampton. If it was the silver boots made that No. 7 moan so much, I'm painting mine gold. The next game, with Combe Martin, was also 0-0 & then we lost a second game, 1-0 to Torquay A. It was about now that Hayley started whining about a hairgrip, but more of that story elsewhere.

Highlight of the afternoon, day, month, season even (maybe) came next. Central opted to kick off with a big kick in the general direction of goal, which ended up in the hedge. HA ha girlie, it wasn't ME in goal, just my shirt on the back of a professional glove-wearer! (You had no chance). We had to wait until the second half for Lu to switch direction twice on the edge of the area, before slotting the ball coolly past the goalie. We held on to beat Central (promoted to regional League, never closer to them than about 8-1 in our lives) 1-0. Us. Galmpton. 1-0. Oh, yesssssssssssssss. Fortunately I sat the whole of this particular match out, otherwise it could have been a very different story.

The final match was against Dawlish & we blagged another 0-0 draw to finish joint fourth. We also did quite well in the raffle, and we now have champagne AND chocolates to celebrate a League win.

**INFORMATION OVERLOAD WARNING**

May I also say that I shall never be wearing the same underwear to play football in again as it was the least fun I've had since my last smear test. Actually, said underwear is in a bag & on its way to the lab as I suspect it reached the parts any smear tester would be proud to achieve.

Did I mention we beat Central 1-0?

THE GREAT HAIRGRIP MYSTERY OF 2004

Picture it: Newton St Cyres on a pleasant Bank Holiday weekend. Galmpton United have yet to beat Central 1-0 (sorry, did I just write that? or did I only think it?). The fields somewhere nearby have a thin yet telling layer of pig slurry adhering to their surfaces, the sun is lazily pushing the clouds and showers way, way into the distance, when the peace and pink tranquillity of the afternoon is rent by the agonised scream of a woman ..... who's lost a hair grip. Hayley was ready to call out the Territorial Army to drop a cordon around the football club, prepared to send for the Crediton Metal Detecting Association, prepared even to order women far, far, bigger than her to drop to their knees and carry out a fingertip search for the errant plastic-pronged wavy metal thingy. All to no avail.

At the end of the day, her other grip travelled home alone, heartbroken at the loss of a much-loved hair-sharer.

BUT FEAR NOT dear readers. What did your brave kit-lady find attached to the waistband of the No. 6 shorts? Saving the day, Lee found the grip, lost, lonely, sobbing its heart out for its mate, after 75 minutes pounding around in a Dyson. (Grip, not Lee) The grip spent Bank Holiday Monday on the hall cabinet, partying like crazy with Gromit. I had no idea that the gestation period for a hair grip was so short.

Next time Hayley, get a grip. Oh, no, wait a minute ...