Semington Rovers Player Profiles

Simon 'Simon' Chown - MID
Another player I've never seen play (what am I thinking). Is a contender for Wee Man's mouthcheese crown. I only signed him because I need someone in the team older than me.

Simon 'Simon' Partington - MID
He's only 16, but his dad is a copper, so he's obviously a great lad. Has started brightly this season.

Alex 'Blobby' Whitehall - STR
I've never seen him play, but I signed him anyway. It worked when I signed Luke, so I'm backing myself on this one. Should score plenty of goals and win plenty of hearts with his cheeky grin!

Kyle 'Kylie' Mather - DEF/MID
I know nothing about him either, Bobby recommended him. I hope he's good.

Dave 'Don't make me play against North Bradley I've got a cup final next week' Castle - STR/MID
Cas is back! He was convinced to come back by my silky skills - and the promise of better changing facilities (sorry mate).

Lee 'Jacko' Jackson - MID/STR
Jacko is also back! After one season away from the club he couldn't bear to be without us. I'd like to think my silky skills also helped to convince him to make a Rovers Return (you see what I've done there - genius!).

Tom 'White Dog' Wysocki - GK
The club's 'keeper and all-round entertainer is now in his second full season. If you need to cheer youself up, just chat to 'The Dog' for 30 seconds and you'll be happy. Mental, utterly mental.

Darren 'The New Improved Ginge' Reeks - FB
Rovers shipped out the old Ginge and replaced him with a newer, better model. Loves playing at left-back.

Ben 'Beno' Giles - DEF
Beno has fitted in well, but his yellow boots make him a marked man on a Sunday morning. Thinks he is John Terry!

Nathan 'Wee Man' Walker - MID
Been at Semington for a few years now. This lad can deliver a ball and put in great performances more hungover than anyone I've ever seen. Claims he runs 15 miles a week, but not much evidence of this 'training' on a Sunday morning. Has mouthcheese issues!

Ian 'Sh!tey' White - DEF/MID
Shows great commitment to the club by travelling from the midlands somewhere every Sunday. Sometimes we wish he wouldn't due to the overwhelming stench of his feet and his baldness. Mr White will forever be a Semington legend.

Allan 'Clarkie' Clarke - DEF
Probably the best player ever to wear the famous striped shirt. Now in his 30's, but still easily the best defender in Wiltshire. Manager, secretary, pitch markerer, ball pumper upper, website author and great bloke!

Stuart 'Nogger' Barber - STR
Goal scoring machine! One of the best finishers in Wiltshire, which is just as well, because his workrate is poor at best.

Stewart 'Big Stew' Donohoe - MID
Fearsome tackler and great at scoring from midfield. Quiet on and off the pitch, but more than makes up for that with his desire.

Kelvin 'Kelv' Lockwood - MID
Back to his best after serious injury. He travels from Southampton to give us all grief on a Sunday morning, but we love him!

Richard 'Flat Footed Baros' Allum - MID
Deceptively quick going forward, deceptively slow getting back. Has the ability to knock the ball a little too far ahead of himself in order to nip past his marker.

Liam 'The Midget' Richards - MID
Terrier in the tackle, always wants too long on the ball, but his commitment to the cause cannot be questioned. Great engine, but couldn't score in a Brothel. Even tries to claim own goals.

Josh 'Millsy' Mills - STR
Has hung his boots up for a while and replaced them with skis. I reckon it'll make him play better! Millsy was the difference between the two team in our title deciding game.

Craig 'Lasted 90 mins once' Fisher - DEF/MID
Craig has been at Rovers several seasons now, and has come on leaps and bounds in that time. Great in midfield or defence (if his knee holds out).

Ricky 'Shire' King - DEF
Despite his obvious lack of pace and fitness, Kinger remains a firm favourite at the club. Always gives 110%, fans' favourite.

Bobby 'Booby' Mitchell - MID
Fat little freak. Great footballing ability, massive pectoral muscles! When fit, would be an asset to any team.

Danny 'LLoyd LLoyd' Phillips - MID/STR
If lovin' him is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Nathan 'Crouchy' Keegan - MID
Nath has come on in leaps and bounds while playing for the Rovers. The lanky circus freak of a man is pushing for a regular start.

John 'Chinny' Sudders - MID
The elusive Chin is a well-respected, rarely seen member of the squad.

Wes 'The Hair' Bray - MID
Not seen much!